afraid I have waited too long #3

[MrBond]

Stop making excuses to justify your actions. You're being the "nice guy". You can't get her back if you keep saying that you're always going to be there for her.

[nit84]

Thanks MrBond you are right I need to stop saying Im worried about her safety she already knows I am.

A little different tonight, She brought up trying to figure out furnishings so the L doesn't.

I told her fine but I haven't put any thought into it. She said by burying you head in the sand doesn't make this go away. I told I know that. I cant stop what is her desire.

She quick came back with "There is no pleasure in this for me." I said I get that but it still is not something I want but understand her reasonings for moving forward.

She then talked about all the things I have been doing around the house and it is nice just too late. I said thanks for at least acknowledging that the place looks somewhat better.

W went on about how we had a good 15 years but I never had her back and we had some awesome times and some very bad times I agreed and said I have owned up to those things and forgiven myself. I know that W cant forgive and I told her that. She said "even if she could forgive me, which she has a little because she knows she also has blame in the failed M, it is still too late.

Then just now she comes out and tells me she left her social media account open one day last week and that I was reading stuff on her page.

I honestly never even knew it was open because I worked late all and wasn't on the computer that much plus she could not remember what night even though it was just last week. She is all outta sorts with this ordeal about the OM girlfriend confronting her I guess, She thinks I had a hand in it.

I know I will be blamed and can't control that but it is so sad to see the woman you love in what seems to be desperate attempt to try and catch me in a lie to justify her deal.

When she said this I allowed her speak then I said she was wrong but I understand her feeling that I possibly could have seen something.

She then said she feels like she is being followed and has felt that way all along not just now that the OM GF is around. She then brought up a "for instance" from last Oct and I told her I already explained what that was about and I am not going to do it again.

She said "Why should I trust you?" I said "Because I have never lied to you before ever! Where would Lying to you now get me?"

She then backed off and said" I am sorry I brought it up to you and accused you. I shouldn't have. I just thought I would rather ask you about it then not and hold resentment in."

I said "Yes, You should talk directly to me, I appreciate that but I don't like being accused of wrongdoings, I have owned up to all that I feel has made our M fail. I know now what I need to do."

I then told her the invitation to church was an open one. She said she couldn't believe I asked her after I never went to church with her when we first got M. I said I did but then we stopped going. I have now decided to attend again and I feel great for doing so.

She says she gives me all the credit in the world for trying to fix myself and become a better person. "Its just funny how you always made fun of your brother for stopping drinking and going all holier than thou with church and GOD." I said "I wanted to quit drinking I didn't need to." Of course, she said "Oh yeah you did. A lot of people said you did." I said," Well I guess they got their wish cause I haven't drank in almost a year."

Sorry to carry on but it is making me wonder if she is downplaying me to make the OM look like a better option or if she is testing me to see if, OM fizzles out now that OM GF is suspecting something and throwing a wrench in the works so to speak, I really have done my due diligence and started to become a man only a fool would leave.

She also mentioned that she wished people(her family) would have spoken up when they saw how I treated her. W says they told her that they always bit their tongue because we would argue but then the next day all was fine and they didn't want us to hate them for butting in.

TBH, there were a decent amount of times her Mom did say things and I told her how it was and she shut up. I shouldn't have said anything but when I did I always talked it out with her Mom. I love her family and I didn't like the way I perceived them to use my W. When this happened and mostly when I was drinking I would speak up. Wrong thing to do but I always worked it out with her Mom.

She now says she is mad at her Mom for not saying anything. I think this because they aren't talking right for whatever reason.

Maybe that is why W is so worried I saw something on her page because she had a tendency to post stuff that were meant for people but only those people would know what it meant.

[Riley]

Nit84, you said;
Her - 19x
She - 33x
I - 55x

I counted every "I" so really its quite a bit less than that. I remember quite a few times you had said," I said I blah blah blah." My point being, you're suffering and focus way too much time giving this girl "she" and "her" comments. I tried reading your story and I'll be honest I need to reread it. If she found OM, use Thought-Stopping and just do you brother. She needs to miss you and also think you forgot about her. You got no kids - just like me, we can forgot our wives together. Go hit the gym, get a bicycle. Focus your energy on YOU. No more "she" and "her".

[nit84]

Thanks Riley for the comments!

I don't think it is possible to have W miss me at the moment, we live under the same roof and I am not moving out again. If she does that is up to her.

The last few days have been strange she is still saying she wants a D but told her L she want as little impact on me as possible. She went from saying she is afraid of me to "I know you wont physically harm me but I think you do want to hurt me mentally."

That is hard to validate and empathize. She trys to catch me in lies but it hasn't worked because I have been nothing but truthful with her always. When she blames or accuses me of things she usually will back off once I speak up and validate or empathize.

She still denies OM. I don't bring it up W does. She is a little upset that OM girlfriend or W not sure which has confronted her face to face.

I am letting the GF do all that work because if the OM hasn't left her yet I am not sure he will. I am DBing like crazy, continuing GAL and 180's.

I joined a gym but with my work schedule getting busy I let it lapse but working around the house and walking every night has kept me in ok shape. Once work slows I will rejoin for sure.

My guess is reality is hitting her a bit and that is why she is being more talkative than usual. That is great for me because it allows me to empathize with her but also listen to her as much as possible. She says she doesn't want to rehash the past which is awesome for me but W will then bring things up in a lighthearted but stinging way with a snide remark. If I hadn't heard it before I ask her to clarify and then I empathize with her.

I have been thinking recently that I would like to ask my W to read 5LL. It is one of about 5 books I have read and reread. It seems like it would be the most logical for her to read.

I will not let W know that I read DR or other books.

As much as I can I am trying my 180's around what I think are her LL, some seem to work others don't.

It gets frustrating though because some 180's that I thought weren't working actually have but it seems to take more time than I thought to kick in. When they do my W will comment on things and that is how I know they may be working.

I have a little time before our support hearing in 5 weeks so I am just going to keep on Praying and trying not to backsilde. I am keeping my defenses up but it gets difficult at times.

Need some support but all in all I am doing just fine.

[nit84]

Question, I have a spousal support and counsel fees hearing coming up in a month.

After paying half the bills in April my W paid about a 1/3 of the bills in May. I have already paid 95% of the June bills. W gave me a check for 1/4 of the bills not sure if there will be another check for June or not.

My W took money from a joint account to pay for a L. Comes out now and says she didn't want to but her L told her too He also told her not to pay me any money at all for bills W was against this and that is why she is giving me some money.

The money W took for L ended up meaning W took more than her half of what was in that joint account. Technically I have already paid for her counsel fees.

My L is good from references I got. I will meet with her soon.

[Riley]

Nti84,

DO NOT GIVE YOUR W ANY BOOKS!!! EVER!!

Stuff to do RIGHT NOW
1 Close any joint accounts
2 Start getting print outs of any text messages you two share
3 Get print outs of all bank statements

Daily Stuff
1. Read Sandi's 37 rules and apply them
2. Hit the gym, and if you can't do the 100 push a day plan.

Future Plans:
1. Determine how much spousal support is in your state
1A. Consider downgrading internet/phone plan/cutting her off any of the previously mentioned bills
2. Make a bills excel spreadsheet and determine what your limits are
3 DO NOT STOP SANDI's list until your W wants to work on this

Bro if she is worried about OM's GF or W, who cares? She will crash, most A don't last more than 6 months from what I heard, so let her throw herself in that fire.

And dude, your W will miss you, but you need to give her SPACE to give her the opportunity to miss you. Like any good workout plan, it will take time for your wife, or yourself, to notice. Keep up the good work, put some muscle on and keep on truckin. Be the man she married, look back and see if you can now "see" anything you've stopped doing. Remember, this 180 is for YOU, if she decides to join you thats her decision.

Good luck Amigo!

[nit84]

Riley,

Thanks for pep talk. I already have done all those things you talk about above.

Since I don't have time for the gym right now I work out in the yard carrying things around instead off using a dolly or wheel barrow. I walk my housing plan every night to get some cardio and do some self reflection etc.

Sandi's rules are my savior, I use them daily but backslide occasionally, not that much anymore.

About the books. I feel 5LL is a good book to read for her as well as me. It doesn't layout any strategies like DR but allows one to think about past situations where using the primary love language would have been good if you know what it is.

I have not given it her yet so I will hold off, I just wanted to run it past the board.

I have detached as much as possible. I still care and love my W deeply but she has made her choice.

I fight the urge help her out with things, not money, but like when I know she is upset and it is not about me but instead our current sitch or something else.

I want to ask if there is anything I can do to make her feel better but I don't want to risk that friend zone problem. I keep reminding myself it is all or nothing at this point.

I prayer daily and actually some of them have come true recently so I am keeping my faith strong.

I GAL and 180 a lot but it frustrates the W because its too late why not just stop doing things.

I have to keep reminding her these things are for me not her and that makes her even more mad. Sorry, that is not my concern.

[nit84]

Well the last couple of days have been interesting.

I was gone all day Saturday on a day trip. when I returned home W was here but holed up in her(our) bedroom.

I went about my business I went for a walk came back and decided to sit out back and look over the yard and ponder life. After finishing that I went for Ice cream.

Upon returning I went around back and it was dark so the motion light kicked on and I noticed a chair was moved, I looked closer and it was the W sitting there I guess doing the same thing I did just a half an hour before. I said Hi she said Hi back and I told her she about scared the poop out of me sitting there in the dark. She said I am just sitting here. I said I know and went inside. I felt as though she was crying or somewhat upset by the sound of her voice.

I fought urge to ask if she was alright and left her alone.


Sunday, I got up early went to church as usual. When I came home W was in her bathing suit and was walking up the stairs I said Good Morning W responded in kind in a happy voice. I changed clothes and proceeded to go outside to do yard work.

A few minutes later when I was up on ladder W came around to see what I was doing. She gave me a couple sarcastic shots about not knowing how to run a pressure washer( I marked up the house a little when I was cleaning the exterior but found a way to make the marks disappear). She then asked me if I had a chance to look over a list(not even close to being complete) she gave me the prior week. I told her no I worked a lot and didn't get a chance to but I would.

She then said that the sooner I did this the sooner she could move out. I said oh are planning to move at the end of the month? She said she didn't know when but was just saying it. I asked her point blank what she wanted at the support hearing in three weeks and maybe we could stay out of court.

She said you make a crap-ton more money than me so I need help with the bills. I said I paid all the bills in may and June's bills were also paid. She said I gave some money even though my L told me not to. I said yes you did but it is not close to half of the bills. I said 300.00 is not even a quarter. she said I gave you 600.00 I said yes I thought the other 300.00 was June's bills if it was for may's that's great thanks, will you be giving me any money for June's then. I got no response.

She said basically the spousal support is to help her get on her feet. I said but any money I give you probably has to come back to me to pay off your half of the expenses. I said in actuality you are better off now.

I said I can't afford to pay all the bills here and give you money to live somewhere else.

She then started to say I can't live here with you. I said if need to move go ahead. She said she couldn't because I didn't mark on the list what she could take to live on. I said I will get to it soon.

She said I'm trying to be nice you know, I could just take half of everything and just leave. I said honestly if want to take everything and leave go ahead if I make your miserable we can sort it later. I told W if there was something I wanted that she took I would ask her for it. I trust that you would do that for me.

She said she couldn't just take stuff that wouldn't be right. We acquired it together so it should be split fairly. I said I think it will but in the mean time if you have to leave go ahead.

Then she started to cop an attitude saying thanks for your permission to leave. I just looked at her with a confused expression I am sure and said nothing.

She then said I was roadblocking her because I am not and have not done anything to move the process forward. I apologized and said I would make the list a top priority. She continued, and I listened, to say may be if you stopped worrying so much about fixing the house and the fooling with the pool you could find the time and stop dragging your feet. I got a little firm then and said you waited 11 months to do anything you just gave me the list last week. I promise it will be done.

Then she said you know all these changes you are making are exactly what I told I wanted. For the longest time I thought you weren't listening to me when I said these thing and you were just drunk.

I validated and said if you remember I told you you had great ideas we need to wait till Our dog passes.

She then said I held on and held on for as long as could and you didn't do anything to change.

I said you are right to feel that way but you never asked me to change directly, had I known where your breaking point was I would have started the process then it is no excuse but things with me are different now.

She said Well I guess this is a lesson for both of us. I agreed and said I am trying to understand your feelings that is why I am asking clarifying questions. I backslid a little and said but divorce isn't a solution for me.

She said so we should stay M even if one person can't stand the other. I said well hopefully that would get better in time. She said she couldn't look in the rearview mirror anymore I agreed and neither am I just going about doing for myself as you are for yourself.

She then said well, it is what ever you think is best it always has been that way. I said we are our own people we both need to do what is best for ourselves. She said well I don't have any money to start my new life. I said you are very smart and will find a way. She said as long as the house was an asset of hers she can't get loans to go to school or anything. I said if that is true I am sorry but did you check into it? she said no but I'm sure it is that way.

W then said she did the math and I can afford to pay all bills and take over the house. I said thanks for telling me but we don't know what the house will sell for so I will have to come up with an offer once I find out what I am eligible for.

I told her I might look into buying a townhouse if the house sells for a good amount.

W then got upset and accused me of always making her sick and giving her fits of anger and that is why she can't talk to socially because it would give me false hope and she doesn't talk because it always leads to an argument I said I'm sorry she feels like this is argument it is just us talking about how to split stuff we did get sidetracked a little but we aren't fighting.

She hurried away and I went back to finish my work. It took only five minutes so when I finished I went a got the list and she said I didn't have to stop what I was doing to do the list. I said it is no problem I know how bad you want it done so I will do it right now while I have some time.

She said I am just trying to make her life miserable. I said no this all just part of the process It stinks It always will stink and there is no getting around it if this the route that is chosen. I asked to clarify some things and she did then I completed the list in about 10 mins and went back outside to work in the yard.

Sorry this is a very long journaling session, I guess the question I have is from what I said above am I being a roadblock?

She said she is doing everything and I have done nothing, Is there something I should be doing that I am not?

I told her in the beginning that if she wanted a D then she would need to do the leg work. After D papers does that not apply anymore?

again sorry for the long rant.

[Ben2010]

Based on what you said, it sounds to me like you handled it very well. She just doesnt seem to like your attitude of not begging her to stay.

[nit84]

Thanks Ben.

It just is so confusing at some points. I give my W the space she requests for 6 months by moving to my parents house for a while. In that time I work on myself to become a man only a fool would leave.

When I thought I was ready and could handle it I moved back to the M home. W put up quite a ruckus. I was able to handle it well and have been for the last 6 months.

I moved back for me and if a by-product was a chance at a new R then great if not then at least I am in my home and not my childhood bedroom.

She said way back then that I was forcing her out. I said I wasn't but if she felt like she had to leave I wouldn't stop her.

Since that time maybe a handful of instances she has said how I make her miserable and she can't stand being here with me.

The constant theme is W gets mad blurts out things and then still stays.

This time it might be different since she served me D papers about 6 weeks ago. But if it was that bad she would have left already. I guess it could be pressure from OM or she thinks if she moves out it will show him and everybody she is serious about this.

She is also mad that I haven't told people we are separated. They didn't ask so I didn't tell.


She says she has a support system behind her. I said that's great I am glad you have help. She said probably only 4 people in the world know my story about the S. I agreed that I haven't told too many people because it is between W and I not the whole world.

six weeks ago she had a close knit group that knew, very few people, now she has a support system.

I brush most things off but it is a struggle to know that even though I feel I am detached that, if she changed her mind tomorrow I could be there for her if she wanted to put in the hard work like I have to learn how to keep a M strong and loving.