Controversial Option. Apologising for causing an a

[RedHawk98]

While most of us have probably clobbered our Wayward Spouses with morality and 180's, I was wondering how many of us have used our betrayal to better ourselves.

Betrayal is wrong. But, how many of us have looked at ourselves in the mirror and wondered what we did that might have lead to it.

I know that a lot of stress related faults contributed to my marriage decline. That resulted in my wife feeling lonely, hurt, angry and bored enough to run off with her boss.
Who in all honesty, is nowhere near as good a partner for her as me at my best.

We must be the better option for our spouses to WANT to be remorseful and consider reconcilliation.

I have realised that I am partially responsible for my wife's actions in this respect.
I am going to apologise for making her feel lonely, hurt, angry and bored. That although I was very stressed out to do that, I still want to take responsibility for it.

We lead by example. If we can show respect and dignity by recognising their feelings, only a complete narcissist would not respond in a similar fashion.

A peaceful and easy road needs to be laid for reconcilliation. Even when we feel that we have been wronged.

My only decision now is whether I send this by email, or in a handwritten card.
The card would be a 180 in itself.

[mdu]

I think the LBS taking a good hard look at themselves and how they may have contributed to the breakdown of their M is wise.

To me, the only controversial piece of your post is writing W a letter. Actions speak louder than words. I would skip the writing and just do.

[Starsky309]

A letter will only be seen as -- at best, "pursuit" and -- at worst, "holier-than-thou."

May not be FAIR that that's how a wayward will see it, but it's pretty much universally true.

A betrayed spouse should own up to their side of the street's mess, and their side only. Their wayward spouse's side is theirs, as is their destructive choice to have an affair rather than try to work with the betrayed spouse on the marriage (or at least have the decency to end it before getting involved with someone else).


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

It's more to do with letting her know that I can finally see what she was going through in hindsight, now that the anger and hurt have subsided in me.
I was under stress and grieving at the time this happened, then as my wife left she saw nothing but hurt and anger from me.
I haven't had a clear head and heart in a while to see that.

She did try to express her feelings from that time recently, but in my brooding state I saw it as little more than justification for her actions.

I just want peace for both of us. Regardless of whether reconciliation is in our future.

[RedHawk98]

It's more of a short note on the blank side of a card. Maybe in some flowers I'll have sent to her work.

I am ONLY taking responsibility for my actions in making her feel the way she did, that allowed this EA to happen.
This EA got out of hand fast, and she left me to pursue this.

I'm about 90% sure it's over now. I know she feels like she has made a mistake that I will hold against her forever.

I haven't behaved in the strongest manner, appearing a bit needy.
Those days are done. I would be very happy to save our marriage at the 11th hour. But if not, I'm not as angry and hurt as I was.

[Starsky309]

I am ONLY taking responsibility for my actions in making her feel the way she did, that allowed the conditions for her to make the decision to allow this EA to happen.

There. Fixed it for you.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I haven't behaved in the strongest manner, appearing a bit needy.

Then I would "x2" my above vote against, as I think this would only be seen by her as more of the same. At least based on what you wrote here.


Starsky

[RedHawk98]

Cheers Starsky! That's what I meant really.
I didn't behave in the strongest manner at the start.
The last few months she has seen me in a much better light. More confident, happier in myself and peaceful. Everyone has been stunned at how much better I'm looking and she has probably heard about that by now.

The message is themed on wishing her well for the future, with no expectations of anything from her.

[Starsky309]

I would have to read your script to be able to comment fairly, I guess. "The devil is in the details" as they say, right?

[RedHawk98]

A little something like this
You must have felt very lonely, hurt, angry, hopeless and bored to have made the choices you have.
I can see that now my hurting and angry days are over.
I take responsibility for not always putting you first as I promised. Regardless of the stress I wanted to spare you, or the drop in confidence I went through.

There aren't words to say how painful all this has been for both of us. Knowing that I let you down has been the toughest part.
I'm not expecting anything in return. I know that even seeing if we can move forward together after everything, is too much for you now.
As brutal as your no second chances are, I can't whine about it. That's not me anymore.

I just want you to know that I am very sorry for how I made you feel towards the end.