Time to stop worrying about what's going on with her and her dad. You've identified that it's sick.
Take a deep breathe. It's going to be ok. I know you're scared.
I hope you know not to sign anything and going to visit her attorney is just silly. Tell her that you are seeking counsel and will have your attorney address the waiver once you have one.
You're one job right now is to find an attorney. Call around and make appointments with maybe three?? Five??? Then, go and visit them. Many don't charge for the initial consult. Time to attorney shop.
You can do this. And, more importantly, your daughter needs to see you strong and calm.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
So true Mach, so true! As for 180's and what I did in our R to help get things where they are....I allowed myself to become passive. After so many years of my W not being able to be a W or mother because she was so "sick" (depression), having her say that she doesn't even want to live and not being sure if it was true or she was just having a bad day, her always (and yes, I mean always) being on the computer if she wasn't just sleeping, playing games, chating with people who she only knew through some weird video game, (one time we had made plans to have a special night with the kids. We had planned it out, made sure both the girls were going to be there and on board, we were going to cook dinner together and play games, my W said she couldn't do that now as some person on one of her games was having a 'party" and some guy in Thailand had asked her to go. I remember the look on my D's face when she heard her mom say this. All it was was a bunch of aviators "chatting" on the web!) I became so scared that she was either going to just do something awful to herself or become even worse, I became someone I wasn't. I took over doing everything, cleaning, cooking, making sure the kids homework was done, you name it. It left her with nothing to do but lay around and stay in her own head.
Once she was able to go back to work, I kept doing these things. I should have just let her be the W and mother she was able to now. Instead, I became overly attentive. I watched her every mood, I jumped at every chance to do something FOR her she was capable of doing herself. I deferred to her on every decision, even ones I disagreed with (like the overly expensive car), just to keep her "happy". I stopped doing things I wanted to do and let her dictate what we all did or didn't do. When she was tired I was there to give her a back rub or get her some food, whatever. I was more like a parent than a husband. Of course, at the same time, I wasn't able to keep up with all that needed to be done. I let things go that I shouldn't have. When she refused to go on vacation with us, I just didn't do anything instead of doing it with the kids and giving her the choice of going or not. I became tentative, unsure which way was the right way to go. When she needed something, I dropped whatever I was doing to be there. I stopped having friends outside of her and didn't do much but be a H and father. I let her get between me and my oldest D, even when I knew what was needing to be done, I let my W decide on the right way to parent.
In short I allowed her to control me and my actions. I lost me and became someone else. No matter what she did or didn't do, I just let it go. I should have let her be a parent but not sway me when I knew what she was wanting to do was wrong. I should have let off and only did my share, not try and always be there, taking over and doing what needed to be done. I became so very "nice", never disagreeing or if I did, allowing my W to decide the course we took no matter how wrong I thought it may be.
I should have stood up for me and what I thought was the right thing to do. I should have been the man I had been before she got "sick", not this person who I became. Of course at the same time my W didn't help. She felt isolated when she was depressed and when she went back to work, she threw herself into work and her new friends. Friends who didn't treat her like she may go back and become depressed again if anything went wrong or wasn't the way she wanted. This is a very hard thing to deal with I'm sure. Just as I was running around, trying to do everything and resenting it, she hated that she could do anything she felt like and I would just let it go.
Both of us got stuck in our roles. As I tried to back off, she would get angry as she was used to me doing the things I was. As much as she wanted to be in control, she also wanted someone else to be in control. She resented me for doing this but at the same time wanted to be able to do what she wanted so it was impossible to get out of this dance. We really needed MC badly but she doesn't believe in it.
I must not allow myself to get caught up in what if's. What if I do this and she gets depressed again. What if she doesn't like what I did and gets angry. What if I stop doing that and instead of doing it, my W gets angry and resentful because I didn't. Forget that! I need to be me. I need to understand we all need to have our own responsibilities and that it's wrong to take that away from someone, even if I was doing so to "help" them. By allowing her to decide which way to go or what we did, it was a form of control on my part. I see that now. I started to see it before B-day but didn't quite know how to stop.
So, that was the biggest, badest part I played in our R getting worse. I was wrong. It would never happen that way again but it seems too late to do anything about it now. Have to go!
Hi 25, Had an appt for a consult but last night found out that it was with the firm my W is using! So I have to try again. By signing the wavier, this means she is filing. She has no grounds to sue me for D but I guess you don't need those anymore. Here there are very few actual grounds for D. Don't know how that works but I'd guess it just doesn't matter in the end.
I just can't believe she went from separation to this as soon as her father came here. She even admitted he came only to get her to go this! She had lied and told us it was for kids graduation ("I never lie") she has even become mean about it like she was told to just harden her heart. It's like she is feeding off the fact her dad is giving her attention. Attention she wanted all her life. Too bad she has to become just like him to get it!
In Texas, it's indeed very easy to divorce. And it's not "time consuming" either. This is the down side of "no fault" divorces, and if I'm not mistaken, your situation would not qualify for any of the fault grounds, there.
But divorce is only a piece of paper (15% of divorced couples, end up remarrying their former spouses)...and you'll have children that bind you forever. So you'll have to stop thinking of her as an evil person. You know, if what you say is accurate about who she WAS before, and how inconsistent this behavior is with her real self, and how dysfunctional her R was with her father, and how the rest of her family (her mom, for instance) sees her behavior,
then I think she's got some serious emotional problems, and I can't see how that is in dispute.
I don't mean "hormones" b/c this is a lot more extreme than ANY "peri-menopausal" event, plus it's a useless endeavor seeing it that way.
Have you considered any of the comments I've made about working on yourself and feeling empowered by it? There are plenty of lawyers in Texas.
Now you KNOW you need representation. So there is some clarity. Your job is to protect the kids and your assets...without a scotch and born policy towards your wife.
Make sense? .
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm going to suggest where ALL your mental effort should be placed at the moment, imo.
-Finding a lawyer -Finding a job/income -Asking parents to help with the finances -Your daughters -Getting your own checking account.
You need to focus man... on what NEEDS to be done in reality, laser sharp focus... RIGHT THE HECK NOW... your daughters are too important to be spinning wheels and energy elsewhere.
Your W and FIL are NOT on the above list.
What steps need to be taken to accomplish the above?
Last edited by TSquared2; 06/02/1406:23 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I'm going to suggest where ALL your mental effort should be placed at the moment, imo.
-Finding a lawyer -Finding a job/income -Asking parents to help with the finances -Your daughters -Getting your own checking account.
You need to focus man... on what NEEDS to be done in reality, laser sharp focus... RIGHT THE HECK NOW... your daughters are too important to be spinning wheels and energy elsewhere.
Your W and FIL are NOT on the above list.
What steps need to be taken to accomplish the above?
I'm with T ^^ right there. And report back here....so we all can support you in staying on track, Matt.
Hi guys, Just spent my day emailing different lawyers. First step as the one I had an appt. with turned out to be hers! As for how I'm going to tell my D's about this...well, that won't be easy. They know something is up but not that it's nearly as bad as it is. I keep asking my W to talk to them and she just doesn't ever want to do it.
I think this is what's best..."You need to know that things between your mom and I aren't getting better. I know that I told you that my dad was going to pay to send you to (school she wants to go to) but I don't think that can happen now. Your mom doesn't think it's as important as in the past, before high school and we just can't afford it now. Your mom now wants to not only leave here and live somewhere else, she also wants to end our marriage. This doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it's not about you but about her and I. We both want what's best for you and may not always agree on what that is but I can tell you I will always take what you want into account. You will always be my daughter and I will always be a part of your life, you mean the world to me and that will never change. Things are going to be very different and we don't know yet what is going to happen, where your mom will live, where you will live, how you will stay a part of both my and your mom's life. I know it's hard not knowing and I would have moved heaven and earth not to have to put you through this but sometimes there is just nothing that can be done to stop bad things from happening. For now just know that I'm here and if you have any questions or want to talk I'm always available and I promise to always tell you the truth as best as I know it."
I don't know what I will say if she asks about why my dad can't help with the school as the answer to that is because her mom went to a lawyer when she swore she wouldn't and now that money needs to go there and not to her school! (yes, I know, blaming her again but damned if we hadn't talked so long about it and it just changed overnight!) How I will answer why questions as I just don't know myself how things got this bad, how her mom changed so quickly and so completely the things she had always said she felt about marriage and divorce. I guess I can just tell her she has to ask her mom about that. I really don't want to say anything that hurts her or her relationship with her mom but I will not lie to her. I will tell her if she asks that I do still love her mother, that I don't now or ever think I could hate her and that I just don't know why things are like they are between us. This isn't what I want but that doesn't mean it won't happen. God, this is going to be harder than I thought!
As for job, I have been on line and looking. I need time but I don't have much of it. Can you believe my W asked ME to call her car finance co. because they are saying she owes more than she should? She also wants me to find out about the last school payment as there isn't money in that account any more. She needs to face the new reality that SHE has brought about. She decided to take over paying those bills, she needs to see how this works! I have been the one doing this for years and she wants to screw me AND get my help?
I'm going to see if I can just take my W off the account I already have as our tax return is supposed to go to that account! Too late to change that! I will call my parents again tonight as they were away this weekend. Going to be a hard night as I must talk to my D14. My older one is coming home in a few days as well but she isn't going to be as surprised as my other D.
