Hi MM, I also have had much trouble dropping the rope. Until we can do this there will be a part of our Exes that think that we will be there if things aren't as great as they think they will be. Face it, these MLCers really believe that all they need to do is leave the person that has loved them and they loved back for years and years and ALL will be better. Life will become easy and fun. My W actually thinks once she leaves she will be so happy that she will magically become a 'better mother" to her kids! Why would that be? How would any person in their right mind think that just by not having someone around that loves them and backs them, they will become magically happier. My W even thinks she will be able to stop taking antidepressants the day she moves out! Now, if I was abusive or hurtful, that may be true but even she can't say that. No, she just "knows" this to be true. There has to be some small part of them who sees things as they are. That has doubts about all they need is to be away from us and all will be better. This is why they hold on that little bit. This is why they get jealous or try to keep us just a bit off balance.
Until they know we are truly getting on with our lives, with or without them, they will keep running as fast as possible. I know my W believes that we are going to have a "good" relationship even after she d's me. She really thinks I will be her friend or co-parent and she will be able to count on me to "help' her. Nothing I SAY will change this. Only my actions will change this. Until they see with their own eyes that we WILL be fine without them. That we don't want someone who has done and said the hurtful things they have in our lives until they understand how THEY contributed and are ready to face the fact that they aren't the perfect person they make themselves out to be and work on themselves and the R, we don't WANT them back, they will not change.
I read that same letter. He saw his life like a movie and when he saw that his W was done, it became real. No happy ending of his going back if he wasn't happy in his new life. He had to face what he had done and that there was no going back if he didn't stop and see the truth. Until our S's see the same, they have no reason to stop. Why should they? They can try their new life out, see if it makes them happy knowing they can always go back to "plan B", us. They have already torn our lives apart, hurt us in so many ways but here we are, wanting them back. I actually think that some of them think we must not be someone "worthy" if we take all the Crap they dish out and we STILL want them. We must not be someone worthy if we would let anyone treat us this way and still care!
Keep up the rope dropping. You are making progress. I would stop with the sexual stuff. Just say it makes you uncomfortable if he pushes. Go out and do things for YOU. Not to make him feel a certain way (hard to do. At first this was why I went out GALing, to show her I had my own life. You must do this!
