Starsky... YES!! I have decided I want more... but, could I actually "say" that? if asked?
Knowing you? No, probably not -- you'd probably dance all around it for 5,000 words and you two would do this little dysfunctional "dance" that you do, lol.
I'm kidding . . . but I'm not. MM, you will notice that my style is very direct and clear. I would urge you to try to become much more direct and succinct in your communications with your xbf, and stop this passive-aggressive, game-playing little dance that you two do.
Would it sound like you're waiting for him to give you more? Well you ARE wanting more (commitment, exclusivity) . . . the key is in not coming across as "waiting" for it. You are moving on regardless of whether or not he can step up and provide you with what you need in a long-term relationship (Pearlharbor's story).
How long does it take of my consistency of dropping the rope before it becomes believable that I am no longer his anchor?
Honestly? I don't think you've even truly dropped it yet, not even for more than just one day. When you can do this for several days -- 20-30 in a row? -- I think he will get the message.
"IF" I get that opportunity... I will say it. Watch me? "I have decided I want more".
Can I ask why you say that I haven't truly dropped it yet? or for more than one day? I feel I am going on day 5!
I will do this for 30 days in a row..... my message needs to be clear & consistent!
What are other ways of dropping the rope? What does it look like?
On Saturday, I was unsure about my work environment.... it was really really slow...dead in fact. We both just sat there, side by side, outside on a bench. Little talk, staring out at the road... for hours it seemed. I didn't know whether to stay or go. So, I took 1/2hr made an excuse & left for a bit. Came back & did more of the same. I tried to busy myself with "things" but there was not much to do. Recommendations?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes, dropping the rope is for me. I am just concerned that I have dragged it out so long & that I have enabled his MLC while I was his anchor. I feel that I have been slowly exiting...he may not even notice or care.
You're right, he may not notice or care. Is that why you are doing it, so he will notice? Will you pick up the rope if it doesn't "work" for you?
If you are looking back to see if he's looking.......then he thinks it's just another game. And it will be, unless you stop focusing on him (which I realize is difficult).
Tell me something very honestly. Are you wanting to use this "dropping the rope" as your last resort to get him to see what's right in front of him?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
VERY HONESTLY.... a bit of both... at this time (early)... Although I can admit that I do want him to see whats in front of him. I think he is a fool!!! BUT, knowing that I must do this for me.... most importantly for me..for my sanity & health. For my self-value.
No.... I will not pick the rope back up. What is the point? I made my stance 5 days ago. He needs to realize it was a gift/offering... one last chance. I need to realize that If he doesn't accept, then I accept that. I will not look like a fool who is chasing/begging him to come back. THAT is unattractive. I must have some self-respect for myself & will hold out for myself. I deserve more!
Yes, I am looking back to see if he is looking...still focusing on him (very difficult to think otherwise)...<< please HELP!!
This is not a game to me... I'm very serious. I cannot afford to do this to myself anymore. I know I deserve better and MUST hold out for it!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Hi MM, I also have had much trouble dropping the rope. Until we can do this there will be a part of our Exes that think that we will be there if things aren't as great as they think they will be. Face it, these MLCers really believe that all they need to do is leave the person that has loved them and they loved back for years and years and ALL will be better. Life will become easy and fun. My W actually thinks once she leaves she will be so happy that she will magically become a 'better mother" to her kids! Why would that be? How would any person in their right mind think that just by not having someone around that loves them and backs them, they will become magically happier. My W even thinks she will be able to stop taking antidepressants the day she moves out! Now, if I was abusive or hurtful, that may be true but even she can't say that. No, she just "knows" this to be true. There has to be some small part of them who sees things as they are. That has doubts about all they need is to be away from us and all will be better. This is why they hold on that little bit. This is why they get jealous or try to keep us just a bit off balance.
Until they know we are truly getting on with our lives, with or without them, they will keep running as fast as possible. I know my W believes that we are going to have a "good" relationship even after she d's me. She really thinks I will be her friend or co-parent and she will be able to count on me to "help' her. Nothing I SAY will change this. Only my actions will change this. Until they see with their own eyes that we WILL be fine without them. That we don't want someone who has done and said the hurtful things they have in our lives until they understand how THEY contributed and are ready to face the fact that they aren't the perfect person they make themselves out to be and work on themselves and the R, we don't WANT them back, they will not change.
I read that same letter. He saw his life like a movie and when he saw that his W was done, it became real. No happy ending of his going back if he wasn't happy in his new life. He had to face what he had done and that there was no going back if he didn't stop and see the truth. Until our S's see the same, they have no reason to stop. Why should they? They can try their new life out, see if it makes them happy knowing they can always go back to "plan B", us. They have already torn our lives apart, hurt us in so many ways but here we are, wanting them back. I actually think that some of them think we must not be someone "worthy" if we take all the Crap they dish out and we STILL want them. We must not be someone worthy if we would let anyone treat us this way and still care!
Keep up the rope dropping. You are making progress. I would stop with the sexual stuff. Just say it makes you uncomfortable if he pushes. Go out and do things for YOU. Not to make him feel a certain way (hard to do. At first this was why I went out GALing, to show her I had my own life. You must do this!
Yes, I am looking back to see if he is looking...still focusing on him (very difficult to think otherwise)...<< please HELP!!
^^^ this is basically what I was referring to when I said that I didn't think you had dropped the rope. You DROPPED it, but then you keep looking back to see if he's still hanging onto the other end of it. I GUARANTEE you he senses this from you -- heck, he's known you for what, 20+ years??
Unless and until you can REALLY begin to move on from him, I don't think you'll ever really get him at any level that's more committed to you than he was before.
Just a couple of quotes from my thread last summer when I finally started dropping the rope...maybe helpful to you, maybe not...
Forever Young:
Quote:
"It seems often the only way they wake up is when they realize that we are not available anymore."
This hasn't gone unnoticed by me. I do believe it has to be real though, we have to be truly "done", and content with that decision. And they have to be ready to reconsider. If we're playing the "no longer available" card just to try to win them back, they'll know, and it likely won't get us the results we are looking for.
and me:
Quote:
I had really pulled back emotionally, dancing on the edge of "done" and mentally started moving on, versus just moving forward. It appears she might have picked up on that, not sure.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am really disappointed that they wait until its too late.. really insulting!
A couple more attempts today... to which I did not indulge... (talking about agent lady, he said I looked pretty, asked me to sit beside him).
I really really want to learn more how to let go... and not just for the sake of trying to win him back. I really see how this is no longer healthy for me. I also see that if I do not be consistent now, I risk falling back even further to where he will no longer respect me. I cannot afford that!!!
I too am pulling back emotionally, and see your point T2 about moving on vs. moving forward.... I'm really feeling at the end of my rope too.
I guess 2 more things are still in the way of me completely dropping the rope... 1) finance completion 2) moving my stuff out of his house.
I need to finish/start ^^^^ on those. 1) spoke with lawyer, apparently even though we "agree" & mediated" with our new agreement, I still require an independent lawyer (stupid). So, I asked him today to speak with his lawyer to get our agreement written up so that he can present his offer to me/my lawyer....STUPID !! 2) UGH.. this is awkward. I do not want to have him pack my stuff to take where? (moms? storage unit??). I do not want to go there (uncomfy/sad) and pack it up myself.. especially if I do not have a place to take it..... Is doing this all that important right now? Can I still be dropping the rope without doing #2??
only a few days left in this BIG rental house... closing date is June 5th... (sad)
Starsky...LOL... thats crazy confusing!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
