What is my Next Move?

[Oxford1]

Big question, has anyone on this board actually seen an affair end with a wife who keeps traveling to meet and live with the OM?

Yes, it's quite possible OM1 will kick her to the curb at some point. The question is, will she have lost all respect (and therefore, ATTRACTION, and therefore, LOVE) for you because you didn't take a stronger, more principled stand. And then of course whether or not you've addressed your own issues.

If not, then there's a very high likelihood she'll just run to OM2.


Starsky

So is the only stand kicking her out?

I found out leagaly I can't do that because of the way the mortgage is setup

[Starsky309]

So is the only stand kicking her out?

I found out leagaly I can't do that because of the way the mortgage is setup

No, and I didn't see where anyone recommended that to you.

[sandi2]

Big question, has anyone on this board actually seen an affair end with a wife who keeps traveling to meet and live with the OM?

Don't know if you've ever ran across a poster that went by SM34, but your W reminds me of how his W made no attempt to cover up her A. He would stay home and keep their child while she spent the weekend with AP.

He tried to find ever excuse in the book as to why she was having an A (other than pointing the finger at him, of course). And I think he wanted somebody else to do the work of busting up the A (and was really hoping OM would just end it). He would not accept the fact that he had to improve himself. So, he would wait until the A fizzled. Then, happy day! OM cheated on his W and SM34 thought his problems were solved. What he was not counting on was the little gift she brought home. No, not a baby. STD!

Here's the really sad part. He immediately started repeating his bad behavior pattern with her. He had not learned any new R skills and had not improved himself as a man. He was advised to get both of them to a good professional quickly, but he would not listen. In a few days of her A ending, he suddenly stopped posting and we have not heard another word.

I said all of that b/c your stitch reminds a little of his. He would not take a firm stand with his W. She didn't respect him. He did nothing to repair the M. He thought they were reconciled,but she simply got dumped by OM. It didn't fix their problems.

Why are you looking for something or somebody else to do the real work? This is not for a lazy person. This is not for a coward. I hope you are neither. I also hope you don't wait too long before you start standing up to her, as I fear SM34 did.

[twinmom]

Sandi would you mind giving me some advice? Sorry to just post in someone else's thread but I read this and wonder (hope) that this is not me in the whole "pointing finger, doing no work" aspect. I want to be a good person with good relationship skills and I think I am a good person. I hear so much about working on yourself around here, but without sounding like I have a huge ego I think I am a fairly good "wife" and a wonderful mother. I don't know if I should keep trying to find things wrong with myself like expecting his family to pay their own bills and not need a ride everywhere and have jobs??? Or if I should take care of them more.

Big question, has anyone on this board actually seen an affair end with a wife who keeps traveling to meet and live with the OM?

Don't know if you've ever ran across a poster that went by SM34, but your W reminds me of how his W made no attempt to cover up her A. He would stay home and keep their child while she spent the weekend with AP.

He tried to find ever excuse in the book as to why she was having an A (other than pointing the finger at him, of course). And I think he wanted somebody else to do the work of busting up the A (and was really hoping OM would just end it). He would not accept the fact that he had to improve himself. So, he would wait until the A fizzled. Then, happy day! OM cheated on his W and SM34 thought his problems were solved. What he was not counting on was the little gift she brought home. No, not a baby. STD!

Here's the really sad part. He immediately started repeating his bad behavior pattern with her. He had not learned any new R skills and had not improved himself as a man. He was advised to get both of them to a good professional quickly, but he would not listen. In a few days of her A ending, he suddenly stopped posting and we have not heard another word.

I said all of that b/c your stitch reminds a little of his. He would not take a firm stand with his W. She didn't respect him. He did nothing to repair the M. He thought they were reconciled,but she simply got dumped by OM. It didn't fix their problems.

Why are you looking for something or somebody else to do the real work? This is not for a lazy person. This is not for a coward. I hope you are neither. I also hope you don't wait too long before you start standing up to her, as I fear SM34 did.

[Oxford1]

Big question, has anyone on this board actually seen an affair end with a wife who keeps traveling to meet and live with the OM?

Don't know if you've ever ran across a poster that went by SM34, but your W reminds me of how his W made no attempt to cover up her A. He would stay home and keep their child while she spent the weekend with AP.

He tried to find ever excuse in the book as to why she was having an A (other than pointing the finger at him, of course). And I think he wanted somebody else to do the work of busting up the A (and was really hoping OM would just end it). He would not accept the fact that he had to improve himself. So, he would wait until the A fizzled. Then, happy day! OM cheated on his W and SM34 thought his problems were solved. What he was not counting on was the little gift she brought home. No, not a baby. STD!

Here's the really sad part. He immediately started repeating his bad behavior pattern with her. He had not learned any new R skills and had not improved himself as a man. He was advised to get both of them to a good professional quickly, but he would not listen. In a few days of her A ending, he suddenly stopped posting and we have not heard another word.

I said all of that b/c your stitch reminds a little of his. He would not take a firm stand with his W. She didn't respect him. He did nothing to repair the M. He thought they were reconciled,but she simply got dumped by OM. It didn't fix their problems.

Why are you looking for something or somebody else to do the real work? This is not for a lazy person. This is not for a coward. I hope you are neither. I also hope you don't wait too long before you start standing up to her, as I fear SM34 did.

Hi Sandi

I have been working on myself. I have read divorce busting, surviving a affair and Love Busters.

I also finally found an IC who wants me to save my marriage and wants to work with me on keeping the little boy needy part at bay. My old IC wanted to break up my marriage saw my wife as a she devil and never worked on me...

Anyway, when you say get tough on her do you mean like a Dr. Harley Plan B or just a 180 type arrangement..

The counselor told me to put up with some of the pain of her affair right now and prove that I am they type of husband no woman would want to leave...

After all she did return to the home and wanted to do things together , but still went to Israel to see OM for a few weeks.

Except for minimal contact during a conference call about my son, I have had no contact with her at all. While she is away, but she is aware of this.

Thanks for any advice I am willing to try anything...it's just that a full on plan b might not be feasible at this point.

Thanks.

[Starsky309]

Thanks for any advice I am willing to try anything...it's just that a full on plan b might not be feasible at this point.

Why not?

[indigo1]

I honestly don't know how you do it Oxford. W is in another country with OM and you sit there and take it. I guess to each their own. You are getting some good advise here from these people. There is no way your W can respect you the way you let her walk all over you. I think it really is time for you to make a stand here and be a strong man. I'm not trying to be rude, I have been following your situation and feel obligated to comment on it.

[Oxford1]

Thanks for any advice I am willing to try anything...it's just that a full on plan b might not be feasible at this point.

Why not?

I now know what I did to screw up my wife and my marriage. I really figured out Plan A three or four days before she left. All she did was thank me for remaining calm..

I feel like I need to stay in Plan A once she returns, and then if she leaves agin go dark, plan B etc.

WE WERE Drawing up a separation agreement before she left...it was not finished...

If I leave we are still,going to have to meet 1:1 and with the attorneys to finalize everything.

If I do that while staying in Plan A and then do B if she leaves again...then everything will
Be all set..and she will have been exposed to the real me...


Who knows maybe by later this week with no contact while she's away I will change my tune and just be done with it all..

[Starsky309]

I can see where you feel you haven't done "Plan A" long enough for her to "see your changes." I honestly don't know enough about your sitch to know if that's true or not, Oxford.

The problem, however, is once she went "in-your-face" with her affair, if you continue to Plan A her, she will lose all respect -- and therefore attraction, and therefore LOVE -- for you.

Exposed affairs -- when the betrayed spouse knows, and the wayward spouse KNOWS that you know, and you even DISCUSS it -- changes the dynamics of the whole damned thing.

Starsky

[Oxford1]

I can see where you feel you haven't done "Plan A" long enough for her to "see your changes." I honestly don't know enough about your sitch to know if that's true or not, Oxford.

The problem, however, is once she went "in-your-face" with her affair, if you continue to Plan A her, she will lose all respect -- and therefore attraction, and therefore LOVE -- for you.

Exposed affairs -- when the betrayed spouse knows, and the wayward spouse KNOWS that you know, and you even DISCUSS it -- changes the dynamics of the whole damned thing.

Starsky

I know the only issue is someone posted her on Cheaterville etc. She will accuse me.

She will say I did it And now it is affecting her job...she will either leave or loose her high paying job...

IT WILL CAUSE HER TO leave HER FAMILY...

Does anyone know how to get this stuff removed?