KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

Thanks, all, for your kind words. I know eventually this will not weigh on me every hour of every day - as you said, sweetbabyred, 6 months is a relatively short time to deal with this. My close friends regularly tell me that they think I am handling this very well and have a lot of good insight, all things considered.

I picked up my keys today and checked out my new place. I don't know if this happens to anyone else, but I often find that when I go check out an apt. and sign a lease, I remember it one way, but then when it's actually time to move in it looks way worse than what I remembered the first time. This time it looked pretty good! It's difficult moving from a 3 bedroom, 1800 square foot house to a little one bedroom apartment (and I thought I wasn't going to have to move for another 10+ years just a year and a half ago... goes to show you you really can't know much for certain!) but it is what it is. At least I'm not paying a mortgage like H is going to have to do.

One of our tasks today was to look at wedding mementos/pictures and figure out how to divide it up. That was difficult, because it's hard for me to accept or understand why H would want any of that given all that he's said about our M and our relationship. But, whatever. If he wants to look at it and think fond thoughts about me, fine There was a point that I started to get too emotional and had to leave and come back. H was very quiet after that. An hour or so later he went to eat lunch and said "It's hard for me to eat, I don't feel good."
Me: What doesn't feel good?
H: My stomach.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry.
H: Too many emotions.

Hmm... interesting. So far H has shown really no emotion about any of this.

I flipped back through my notebook and looked at the goals I set back in January:
-H will make small talk with me
-H will invite me to do something
-H will stop talking about D/S
-H will include me in future plans
Well, almost all of those have happened (minus the "including in future plans") and it still hasn't changed anything. I had some last-minute wishy-washyness today about moving - am I making the right decision? Am I the one walking away now? Should I have stayed? But I stayed for 6 months and it didn't change anything... he didn't move an inch in terms of what he says he wants. What I do know is I can't live under these circumstances (separate bedrooms, no acknowledgement or sharing in his daily life, won't even sit by me at the kitchen table, never knowing if I can decorate or work in the garden because I might have to leave the house) so even though it's hard and scary, I have to do this to move on. It's not going to push him any further away. It could even help, who knows.

So, here are my new goals, that are just about me!
-Unpack and outfit my new place, especially some fun outdoor stuff for the balcony (plants, lights, patio furniture, etc.)
-Plan for my trip to Las Vegas at the end of the month
-Look into buying/leasing a car (I'm borrowing a clunker from my parents - H and I had always shared a car, but that wasn't really going to work after BD. I don't need a car to/from work, just nights and weekends, so it pains me to spend money on something I use a few times a week.. but if I have to have one, I want it to be something I'm proud of and like to drive!)
-Look into getting a new laptop - again, H and I shared his desktop, and this laptop is toooo slow.