Newbie confused and alone!

[BonitaL]

Hi,
I am glad I found this board! It seems pretty active. I don't know where to
Begin. I guess about a year and a half ago my mother died. I was devastated and sunk into a depression. I dealt with depression most of my adult life.
After my mom passed my sister and her grown son, my nephew moved in with us. It was a bad choice.
They both ended up getting kicked out at different times. After that chaos. My husband blamed me for putting them before him, and not listening to him when he said it was a bad idea.
I apologized said he was right, it should have never happened. I was just grabbing onto them because there was no one else in my family. Again I put my foot in my mouth, because he feels he and the kids should be enough. That's not how I meant it though.
I have no grandparents, no parents, now no sister or nephew.
He said he couldn't get passed all of that, and he left.
We have 2 teenagers, my daughter is 17 and she blew up at him. Saying she hated him for making her mother cry, she wished he was dead. Etc.
Even after all that I wanted to work on things maybe go to marriage counseling. I am in counseling for myself. He said it was too late. We have grown apart. We have been married 23 years.
I don't want to give it all up. He has the money to go and get an apartmen, right now he is staying at his parents.
I sent him and email on Wednesday asking him to come home we all missed him, and we could work on things. I talked to him the following day, and he said he was looking at apartments. That the email sent him into a panic attack. He wasn't coming back and he just wants peace in the house.
So why would it cause a panic attack if his mind was set?
He is being kind, not doing anything with the money. Stating he doesn't hate me he just doesn't want to be with me. He said he will always take care of the kids.
I feel so hurt that he won't work on things. I feel worthless. I haven't contacted him again, he did come here on Saturday and took the boys out to eat.
I am confused about the 180, because if he thinks I am depressed and don't care about him and didn't put him first. Should I go on as life is fine?
Anyway that's a lot of babbling if you read this all Thank You!