I wanted to circle back here and answer your inquiry about the MLC mind.
Originally Posted By: Matt165
I have a quick question that I'd like your opinion about. As it stands now, my W usually lets me know when she isn't going to be home (unless she is doing something she is trying to hide from me, like going to L or looking for a place to move to). Because of this I texted her to let her know I was going out and where. I feel as long as she is doing the same, I should extend the same courtesy. She also will let me know when she goes to the store and ask if I need anything and, again, I do the same. I figure as long as she is doing this, I should as well. Do you agree? Or should I be more mysterious? Thanks Wonka!
Do what YOU feel comfortable with doing in regard to that ^^. It is not a game. You can be polite and respectful to W. That is the extent of what you can do.
It seems that things have turned for the worse lately and it is important to keep your head screwed on tightly because you're gonna see some volatile stuff coming from nowhere with W's shaky perception of reality. She's acting quite wonky and I'd be careful not to be sucked into her drama.
She's right, Matt. Keep your head screwed on tightly because it will get bumpy and loopy.
Keep in mind one of the things that has been said here before from those MLCr's that post later. It's the integrity of the LBS that acts like a beacon. The consistent integrity to be precise.
If you see things as a tit-for-tat and echo her behavior back to her, it will not go well for you. If instead you are...you, then it's all for the good no matter what happens.
Make sense?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you all for your comments and help. I have heard my FIL say exactly what I quoted from his own mouth when I was in the other room and he didn't know. He has said it in the phone with her as well and again I heard what my W said and it was answering the same statements. He started by trying to keep not just me but her kids as well from her when we were there for his fathers memorial service. He told my W he saw me make my oldest D cry by being mean to her and I can tell you right now that NEVER happened. He made my younger D cry for an hour because she disturbed his dinner party that he wouldn't allow me or her to attend (was for my W). She believes this lie even though she knows I would never act that way. She didn't until her MLC but now it a good reason to hate me.
I just had to listen to her scream about her car payment as she needed to pay it herself. How its too high and that's my fault even though she had to buy a car that cost double what mine did! I should have refinanced it. Her car. I tried but was turned down but that doesn't matter. She gets mean and nasty. This is why I payed the bills before now. She can't handle the stress of it. Money has always been a sore spot because when her dad left, her mom was left broke. Now, he never did anything wrong. 25 years he was so wrong, now he's a victim because he tells her she is right.
My W is 47, not early 40's but this started when she was 43-44. I do know she is in peri menopause and is on hormone replacement for it. It isn't the cause of her MLC but I'm sure it doesn't help. And I don't agree ALL women go thru this. I think my W's awful childhood and teenage years have more to do with this MLC (as well as her father never accepting her for her or showing any love to her). Yes, I'm sure there are things I could have done better in our marriage. I did contribute to our R problems but not so bad as to warrant her leaving and not even trying at all.
Yes, as usual Wonka, you are right on the money. I've started looking and am going to speak to my partners as well. They know things are bad at home and it won't be a surprise to them. There may be a way for me to get something part time and still working the start up with less hours. I had hoped to use any money from my parents for D14's school but now that will be impossible. Her dad is helping her now so she just doesn't care anymore. In fact if my D goes to public school, my W won't need to pick her up after or take her in am. She doesn't want this "burden" and has even told me how the school in area where she wants to live is "better" meaning when she stays with me, I'll have to take her and pick her up. God forbid she do something mother like. Doesn't fit in her fantasy!
Thanks AJ. I'm so trying to do the "right" thing. To take the high road but I keep getting kicked in the....well you get it! I won't hurt her on purpose no matter how she hurts me. I just want it to at least slow down for at least long enough to catch my breath. I just had a fun GAL night and the next day, bam! It hits the fan, again!
This is the hardest part, seeing how she doesn't care about even food for the kids. She just yelled over a $5.00 charge on a bill and cost us $200 in over draft charges because she didn't bother to tell me that she stopped putting money in joint accounts. Loopy, yes! I'm going to need to suck it up and get my stuff in order. I just need to center myself and find my strength!
Matt Please calm down take several steps back. You need to relax in order to think clearly. Forget about what your W is doing or not doing for now...figure out what you can do to make your own life better.
It's hard I know but you have to focus on yourself and your kids.
Get some rest tonight, tomorrow will be a new better day.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
[quote=Matt165]Thank you all for your comments and help. I have heard my FIL say exactly what I quoted from his own mouth when I was in the other room and he didn't know. He has said it in the phone with her as well and again I heard what my W said and it was answering the same statements. Sorry but I can't recall which quotes go where. But I guess your point is you were quoting.
He started by trying to keep not just me but her kids as well from her when we were there for his fathers memorial service. He told my W he saw me make my oldest D cry by being mean to her and I can tell you right now that NEVER happened. He made my younger D cry for an hour because she disturbed his dinner party that he wouldn't allow me or her to attend (was for my W). ^^ this is the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Your wife MUST notice that HER OWN child was shunned so even if you are the big jerk your FIL might say you are (and what does he know if you all barely interacted with him all these years??) your d was still wounded. Why??
She believes this lie even though she knows I would never act that way. She didn't until her MLC but now it a good reason to hate me.
You are mind reading here^^ b/c none of us know what the WAS or MLC "believes" AND perhaps more importantly, THEY may not know.
AND even if they did and even if you knew what they thought, that's one moment in time and it CHANGES...a lot... I just had to listen to her scream about her car payment as she needed to pay it herself. You do NOT HAVE TO LISTEN to anyone scream at you. Set a healthy boundary and enforce it. Not being screamed at is a basic requirement of communications.
How its too high and that's my fault even though she had to buy a car that cost double what mine did! I should have refinanced it. Her car. I tried but was turned down but that doesn't matter. She gets mean and nasty. This is why I payed the bills before now. She can't handle the stress of it. Money has always been a sore spot because when her dad left, her mom was left broke. Most women value the financial security and protecting a provider, gives. That's not an attack; it's an observation.
Now, he never did anything wrong. 25 years he was so wrong, now he's a victim because he tells her she is right.
My W is 47, not early 40's but this started when she was 43-44. I do know she is in peri menopause and is on hormone replacement for it. It isn't the cause of her MLC but I'm sure it doesn't help. What difference does any of ^^this matter to you IF she won't seek help?
The rest of what I wrote was addressed too CW, NOT you...
And I don't agree ALL women go thru this. I think my W's awful childhood and teenage years have more to do with this MLC (as well as her father never accepting her for her or showing any love to her). Clearly. Yes, I'm sure there are things I could have done better in our marriage. I did contribute to our R problems but not so bad as to warrant her leaving and not even trying at all. If you cannot be more specific^^ then it's harder to help you find and do the 180s you need to do. Plus it makes it appear as if you only blame her, and that's what happens when we are in pain and feel victimized.
But you can empower yourself by working on YOU. The best news a MC ever gave me was NOT that I was 'right' & H was "wrong/being selfish/acting like a single man" (which 3 marriage counselors told my h to his face. And it changed NOT ONE THING in him.) He said I had "brainwashed" them, even though we'd never met...not a lot to do when a MC tells you that you're fine and your h is a jerk...
What does one do with that?
But when I had something to work on, in ME, then I could do something about it!!
I was NOT powerless, and neither are you.
When you realize this^^, you'll be on your way to becoming a man only a fool would leave and then, my friend, you can hold your head high and leave it in God's hands.
And know that you really really will be alright, and so will your children.
So do the work, and go in peace.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
New info. Things just keep getting better and better. My W all sweetness and nice comes to me and tells me that the wavier is ready for me to sign. That I need to stop by her L offices and sign the paperwork. Again she tells me how her L will be so very nice and will answer all my questions. I tell her that she does know that by hiring a L she now doubled the cost of our D and our D14 won't be able to go to the school she could have. She laughed and said too bad. She is looking into schools in the place where she wants to live. Like I said she doesn't want to be bothered with getting her there and picking her up! She is in for a treat when our D finds out that her actions made sure she won't be able to go there! I told her I was getting a L and she was telling me I don't need some cut throat L as she will be reasonable and we don't have much, etc.
I'm certain that I will now tell my L that I want primary custody. I also will look into other schools and see where my D wants to go. I'd like her to go to the best school possible but it would be a bonus if it put her out! Oh, and I found out that the L I have an appt with is HER L! I now need to start over again.
God, it's been a hard 2 weeks! I can't take much more of this!
Thanks AJ. I'm so trying to do the "right" thing. To take the high road but I keep getting kicked in the....well you get it! I won't hurt her on purpose no matter how she hurts me. Well, of course...right? Do right by your kids and sometimes, that has to be ENOUGH, okay?
I just want it to at least slow down for at least long enough to catch my breath. I just had a fun GAL night and the next day, bam! It hits the fan, again!
DETACH and "it" won't hit you or the fan so much.
We say it a lot for a reason...
This is the hardest part, seeing how she doesn't care about even food for the kids.
you don't know this^^ and it's NOT HELPING --- YOU to think it, or say it or show it, and your kids will pick up on it
She just yelled over a $5.00 charge on a bill and cost us $200 in over draft charges because she didn't bother to tell me that she stopped putting money in joint accounts. CALM yourself...she does NOT think this is true. She believes you should have checked. And so, there's no point is going on about it. COMMUNICATE financial matters so it won't happen again. That's all you can do, NOW...
Loopy, yes! I'm going to need to suck it up and get my stuff in order. I just need to center myself and find my strength!
Yes you do need to find your strength and rely on it. Your kids need you and they are watching you more than you know. SLOW down, do right byou your kids and btw, have YOU seen a L?
You need not "Do" something but get information, but DO GET IT. Seriously.
And we promise you, it does get better
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi 25, Had an appt for a consult but last night found out that it was with the firm my W is using! So I have to try again. By signing the wavier, this means she is filing. She has no grounds to sue me for D but I guess you don't need those anymore. Here there are very few actual grounds for D. Don't know how that works but I'd guess it just doesn't matter in the end.
I just can't believe she went from separation to this as soon as her father came here. She even admitted he came only to get her to go this! She had lied and told us it was for kids graduation ("I never lie") she has even become mean about it like she was told to just harden her heart. It's like she is feeding off the fact her dad is giving her attention. Attention she wanted all her life. Too bad she has to become just like him to get it!
