I've been following along with your story. I can relate to some of what you post about your FIL. My inlaws never wanted to see my H as having any problems out of the ordinary...they, especially, didn't want to see him as having a problem with drugs and alcohol. So, over the years, when he went off the deep end, they would support him and believe his justifications about me and why he HAD to do the stuff he did...mainly because I was such a poor partner.
Shortly before he moved out, my inlaws told him that I was holding him back from having fun. I had isolated him from his "fun" friends. To my H's alcoholic mind, this was like saying, "Yes, H, she is holding you back from enjoying and drinking and living the life you should."
They are very toxic.
It's hard to watch. I know.
But, having said all that. This was gonna happen at some point. My H never made peace with his parents in the way you are supposed to as a young person. Love em or hate em, at some point, developmentally, everyone needs to reconcile where their parents fit in their lives (belief system, values, morality, sense of self, etc...) My H never did all that. He ran from it because they were so pushy and domineering, yet they had that lure of giving the big OK to use as many drugs and drink as much as he wanted.
I see now that he needed to go through all this to figure out stuff he never figured out in adolescence.
In my case, I believe my H's parents are the source of his struggles. I think he never could resolve in himself whether they were good or bad and he had a hard time seeing the gray area in between. I see him desperately wanting them to be the good guys. Then, he can have all the pot and booze he wants. He can be a kid forever.
Sadly, he will continue to live like this adolescent OR, at some point, he will have to face the painful truth that his parents don't have his best interest in mind. Either way, he is heading towards more pain...not somewhere I would want to be at 48.
I'm glad I've dealt, for the most part, with the issues I have with my parents. I feel blessed that I didn't feel compelled to alienate my loved ones while I came to some painful truths about my mom and dad.
I'm glad I've been forced on this journey, believe it or not, I'm stronger and I will be better than ever once I'm a little further along. It's a process. :-)
Oh, and read, if you haven't, Job's old thread "Why They Run." It's all about how childhood demons bite these MLC-ers in the a$$ and cause all this pain in mid-life.
Hang in,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
