A comment H made last night just came back to me. He asked me to call him when I was on my way to tuck in D7 last night because I told him I was going to be a little later than usual. When I did, he told me that he was feeling very anxious. What he described was like how I feel when my thoughts are spinning. Really easy to empathize and validate that feeling these days!
After I tucked D7 in, I grabbed my keys to go and H stopped me, asking if I wanted to hear a song he wrote. Seven months ago, I would have said yes, but he would have been able to tell that I wasn't really paying attention and that I wasn't interested. I've been making an effort for months to be present and show an interest in the things that are important to him. So, I said yes and listened attentively and thanked him for sharing it with me. I should have made my way out the door then.
Instead, H asked if I wanted to talk for a bit and I said sure. I let him lead. He talked more about his anxiety and then said, "I'm just wondering, OK now what? This isn't how I expected my life to be and so now I can't figure out what comes next." The first time he said it, I said, "I can understand why you'd feel that way." When he said it again, I said, "Who knows? Maybe you come back." He immediately said, "Don't think that. I don't want you to have false hope." I said, "I didn't mean right now. I thought you weren't closing the door." He said, "I'm not. As much as I've hurt you, if I were closing the door, don't you think I'd just tell you that, too? I just need you to know that I'm not rethinking my decision." I said, "I understand that."
I guess I expected him to be more sure of his decision when he made it. And maybe he is. He just seems awfully broken up about it. No expectations, I know.
He called a little while ago and asked if he could come make dinner for me and D7. He seemed to be in a much better mood than yesterday. I said, "Sure." He might just be excited about getting to use our kitchen, which was remodeled exactly the way he wanted it a year ago. His mentioned missing it multiple times.
