Thanks FY. I really don't understand how everything got sped up. I know this is what her father has been telling her to do but I never in my life expected my W to become the bitch she has. (Please, i do understand it's not his fault. It just changed so much when she found someone to tell her it was OK to do these things) She said she didn't tell me because she knew I wouldn't be happy about it but that cost us so much money! She has to be insane to think the way she is. The look of amused unbelief when I tell her things that are nothing but totally true. She wants to believe whatever she wants, reality has no place in her mind. If she can no longer deny that something is true, she makes up reasons I'm at "fault" for "letting" it happen! She has, since her father found out his cancer is back, totally lost her grip on reality. She wants so badly what she can't have without hurting everyone else AND herself, and it's made her become a total monster. She has become everything I hate when I see it in other people. Liar, valueless, moral less, she even lost any real faith in God and won't even go near a church! What is left for me to want to have anything to do with her?
Yes, she is the mother of my children. But even there she hasn't been much of one for a long time. I have my memories but we don't share those. She has decided she "deserves" to have whatever she wants and rationalizes why that's not wrong even if others that love her (me, kids, her mothers side of the family) are going to be hurt by it. I read the letter from MLC husband. It talks about how he felt the same way. That he didn't care and how he saw his life as a movie and his W as always going to be there wanting him back, that if things got to bad, he had her no matter what he did he knew she was willing to take him back. I can see why my W would feel this way. I have been way too supportive while she went insane and became the kind of person she always said she hated.
The few times I have gone out and was around other women, I have already become friendly with a couple that have been there a few times. I enjoy talking and laughing with them. No sexual feelings at all, just nice to talk to someone who isn't waiting for me to "make them happy". This is how it feels when I'm talking to my W. like she is waiting for me to prove to her I'm able to make her happy. I watch her with other people and its the same. It's like she is so desperate to feel better and she is wanting others to do this for her. People tend to feel this from others. It's why certain people you meet you seem to like, while others you don't dislike, but there is just something about them that at some level is off putting. You sense them wanting something from you, while the ones you like seem to just give something expecting nothing in return. My W was never a taker before the MLC. Now she is always seeming to want, unable to give. Maybe because she has nothing to give. I don't know but it makes me question why I am willing to stand. Is it love? Is it fear (I really don't think so but who can be sure)? Is it a sense of duty? Is it for my kids?
I need to think hard about why I care and decide if it's for the right reasons. I know I will never again make the same mistakes in a future R that I made in this one. I know if my W were ever to be able to return to the land of the sane, I would be a very different H in so many ways. I just need to be sure that I would even want my W back if she has become the person she has. What if she comes through the tunnel and still is this person who I see almost nothing attractive in. She is a very good looking woman. She doesn't seem to think so but she is. That part is just so unimportant to me now, after all this. It's definitely not enough of a reason.
Sorry about the rambling, long post! Just feeling ready to panic and thinking makes me calmer.
