Giving him too much of my energy today. And he's not even on this continent. He texts the kids, and because S6 doesn't have his own device all those texts come to my phone. But he has't contacted me, except when he calls to talk to kids. Why should I care? I set the boundary about OW and I expect he will let our relationship die, so he doesn't have to do the hard thing of giving her up.
Then on the other hand I wonder why I would want to be with someone who never seemed to nurture our relationship or acknowledge that it needed nurturing. Or that *I* might need nurturing. Or that *he* needs nurturing -- always insisted he was fine, that he didn't need anyone to take care of him. If I did anything nice for him and ask if it mattered to him he'd say "well, that was really nice, but it wasn't necessary." I felt like I could never reach him.
So why am I pining after him? Why would I want to beat myself up with love for someone who doesn't care if I love him or not? (MC says it's the ADHD that makes him act that way... but this is all I know of him)
I wish I mattered to him. And also I wish I didn't care if I mattered to him. Not detached very well today, am I?
I had a great time out with friends last night, laughing our heads off. Going to church this morning then taking kids to see a movie we've been looking forward to for months. Tonight we'll have a real made-from-scratch dinner and then maybe play a board game or something. I'm so lucky to have so much of them at least through all this. I have been practicing my 180's with them since my H is out of the country and I feel like such a better, calmer person. I don't even care if he sees that because I can tell how it matters to my kids and how it matters to me. I sweat the small stuff less. Lots of GAL activities planned for this week.
Also my attorney appointment. I still don't really know what I'm going to do there. I'm anxious about the fact that I even HAVE an appointment with a divorce attorney. I never expected to be here.
Now I'm going to pull up my big-girl pants and get back to not letting him bother me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
