Hi all. Just wanted to introduce myself to the group. I am separated from my walkaway wife and need some advice. I've read DR but wanted to share my situation with you all if you have time to listen. I'm so confused.
First of all, thank you all who contribute to this forum. This is a great resource for people going through some of the toughest situations life has to offer.
My story: my W and I have been married 4 years, no children. About 5 weeks ago, she gave me the “I need space” talk and she was going to stay in the guest bedroom. That same night we had a long conversation about how we don’t do anything together and she doesn’t feel the same way she used to feel about me. She said over the years I’ve become negative, controlling and nit-picky with every little thing she does. She said she may want out of the marriage but she needed some time to think. Of course over the next couple of weeks, I did all the wrong things. I pursued, did extra things around the house, pointed out the good things in our marriage, asked her to go to marriage counseling with me. I know, bad…
Well, last week it came to a head when I confronted her about an EA I knew she was having with a co-worker. At first she denied, but then she came clean and said she confided in him because she didn’t think she could have an emotional connection with me anymore. She denied any PA with him, but I’m not so sure. Although she didn’t show any outward remorse, she said she was remorseful. I asked her to go NC with the guy, and she wavered on it. She said she’s changed and doesn’t think she can ever get that emotional connection back with me. She gave me all the usual WAW lines: “ILYBINILWY”, “we should separate”, “maybe divorce is the only answer”, “I feel trapped/numb”, “there have never been ANY good times in our marriage”, etc. I told her that I finally understand how much pain she has been in over the last year and that was going to see a counselor about my issues (being critical, negative, etc) and I urged her to do the same. We talked about trial separation and even talked divorce logistics for a while (although I was not enthusiastic about discussing either). I was so frustrated, we ended the conversation with me saying that I would go live somewhere for a while until we figured out what to do next. I ended up moving to my folks’ house about 30 minutes away. Just took some clothes and personal items.
Before the EA confrontation (I hope that was the right move for me to make), we had seen a marriage counselor and basically laid everything on the table for him. She said I was very critical of every little thing she does. In hindsight, she’s right. Over the past few weeks, I’ve recognized this and I’m working on bettering myself. I practice on people at work because my W has her wall up and now we are physically separated. I feel like I’m the only one fighting for the marriage right now.
After the initial meeting with the counselor, he wanted to meet with us individually for the next few weeks to work on our issues separately. We both agreed. After the EA confrontation, I still went to my appointment and plan to continue going to work on myself and my issues. I pray that she does the same. One concern I have about our counselor, especially after reading DR, is that he doesn’t seem very solution-oriented or hopeful. At this point, we need some hope to make us keep fighting. After 2 individual sessions, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten anything from him other than “don’t worry about your W, focus on you right now”. Maybe he’s right, what do you think?
I’ve been working on GAL. I’ve been trying the 180. I’ve started working out again (even though before this mess I had already lost about 30 lbs), thinking positively, not pursuing, not calling/texting, being open-mined, playing guitar again, going to watch basketball games with a friend at work… but it’s hard. I think about my W all the time. At this point, I can’t picture a life without her. She was the first to initiate contact after I left. Actually, it was the day I left. She called just wondering where I had gone. I told her I had moved out for “a few days”. I was at a music festival when she called and I’m sure she could hear the music in the background. Then she called me a week later because she was going to visit her parents for the weekend and asked if I could feed the dogs one night. I agreed. Maybe a bad move, I don’t know. After our conversation, she said “Thanks. Have a good weekend” and I said “Ok, you too” and I ended the conversation. I tried to stay as upbeat as I could. I’m still not clear on how to handle the NC rule. I’m afraid since we are separated, she will not see the genuine positive changes that I am making in my life. Should I contact her once a week just to say hi, no pressure, no R talk, just be a friend? Would that hurt? Should I go completely dark?
When I left the house a little over a week ago, I didn’t think clearly about what I was doing. She’s the one that wants a separation/divorce. I began to think I made the wrong decision by ME leaving. I think it may have come off as weak that I left instead of her. I know I need to man up. How can I recover from this or should I even try? Should I just move back into my house, avoid contact with her and tell her she needs to find a place? I don’t want to make this situation any worse than it is and I want to give her space because that’s what she keeps insisting she needs from me.
Also, how should I handle contact with mutual friends? Should I let them know what’s going on? Should I ask for their help/advice or would that be a pursuing behavior?
What’s my next move here? I know we’ve only been separated for a week and I need to be patient but it’s hard. I realize that it took years to build these feelings inside of her and It’s not going to be fixed in a few days, weeks, or months even. I’m a “fixer” by nature, so the NC is hard for me. Things I will continue to do: (1) GAL, (2) go to counseling. Things I’m not sure about: (1) what do I do about my current living situation?
M 35 W 31 D 10 Married 3 years Together 11 Single since Nov 13 Moved out Dec 13 ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more' OM confirmed Jun 14
Working on detaching but need some advice quickly. W called me this morning and wanted to meet for lunch to "touch base". We met, ate, made uncomfortable small talk and then she asked me "where I was" (with the separation I guess). I told her I was going to counseling to work on some of my issues. She thought that was good. I asked where she was and she said that during our 2 weeks apart she thought she would miss me more and she didn't at all. She said she doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I told her I was moving back this afternoon because it was my house too. She said we need to have a plan then. I asked her what plan and she said for splitting up stuff and who would move out. She actually wants me to participate in a divorce I don't want.
She said she doesn't want to be married to me and I shouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't want to be with them. She thinks we should sit down and civilly discuss how to split up our stuff for the D. I kinda just hedged and said OK or let me think about it. But one thing is clear...she definitely thinks D is the only answer and wants me to be an active participant. I told her if she wants D she could go file but she sad she didn't want to "do it that way".
We talked about OM a bit. She is still in contact with him, mostly over text and phone but who knows. She says their relationship isn't what I think it is. She just needs someone to talk to. BS. I told her that her relationship with OM was inappropriate and needed to stop.
How do I handle this situation where she wants me to participate in the D like I want it too, which I obviously don't? Is she playing mind games, gas lighting?
She implied that basically we can do this the easy way or the hard way, but she didn't say those exact words. I don't know if she's serious or not.
Also i should mention she is still wearing her wedding rings (guilt?) And she has had 2 sessions with the individual counselor (same counselor i'm seeing). He plans to eventually get us back to couples counseling after we work on our individual issues.
I would recommend "no" based on what others have said and done.
What's the logical outcome? She's angry and further alienated to everyone? Doesnt exactly make her want to work on the M, right?
"Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you. And stay." ~ Will Smith
