Starting to get it

[mustardseed]

Wow, third post today. That is a lot for me. I've calmed down a lot. He did his best to try to fix the bad check situation and now it is really just a matter of timing but even if the check bounces he put in enough for us to be covered. I hope my bank will try to redeposit after it bounces--otherwise I will just have to write out another one.

But I need help getting back on the DB train. Not even because I am trying to save my marriage so much anymore, but because I want to be able to survive this time of living under the same roof under these conditions. And yeah, money issues is what makes me the most crazed because I know I can't support myself right now and I hate being at his mercy. I have to trust he will do right by us, but he is so unpredictable these days.

So I have accepted that my marriage is over. If some future time comes where he changes his mind it will be something brand new, but I am no longer holding my breath. I am not going to jump right back into his arms.

But we need to still live together, parent together, and manage finances together. The parenting is pretty easy, we have always been good at that and pretty much on the same page. The living together is annoying, but tolerable. I can't stand his mess and his clutter, it was always irritating but something I thought was worth the annoyance because he was worth it--and I'm no neat freak. Now it just pisses me off. Finances were the one thing that I always thought would be our doom. It was one of those things that I never so a solution to and the thing I assumed would break us. Funny how it seems to be the least of his worries, or maybe that is telling. But now I think if I am all business, no more trying to sugar coat, or stroke him, or follow his lead, then maybe things will be better financially.

But how does that fit into DBing? If I need money for something for the kids or the household I will have to bring it up. Does that count as bringing up marriage issues? I reread sandy's rules and I realize how off the mark I have gotten in recent months. ugh. Looks like I will be here a lot more often these days.