Glad you had a great time last night!! Good for you...now you see why we urge all newbies to GAL. And sooo much more fun that way, isn't it?
Originally Posted By: Matt165
Got home to my W sleeping on the couch and complaining that she was trying to get to sleep. It was only 11:00 and I was trying to be as quiet as possible. This morning W got up early and didn't seem to like that I went out last night. I don't get that as she keeps telling me to do more of this kind of thing.
This is typical for the MLCer. In my experience, prior to my MLC, I was very comfortable with Ms. Wonka going out with friends and events without me. While I was in my MLC, I was feeling really miserable and feeling tons of pressure. Yep, it did bother me when Ms. Wonka went out because I perceived that as "why is she going out to have fun while I am so freakin' miserable??!!" and did try to bring her down to my level to make myself feel better about my 'miserableness'. It also piqued my curiosity as well. Ms. Wonka's being mysterious did that trick for me.
How wild was that?! Hey...that was my MLC-addled thinking process.
Just ignore W's moods and continue doing GAL stuff.
Wow, that is an enlightening look into the MLC mind! As much as all this has really been a painful and stressing sitch, I wouldn't want to be in the MLCer's frame of mind. I know my W is miserable and no matter what she has said or done, I wish that wasn't so. I know she just wants to stop feeling that way but by picking me and her marriage as the source, she has turned her, my and our girls lives upside down and is causing so much pain to so many. I truly hope she finds peace with or without me.
I have a quick question that I'd like your opinion about. As it stands now, my W usually lets me know when she isn't going to be home (unless she is doing something she is trying to hide from me, like going to L or looking for a place to move to). Because of this I texted her to let her know I was going out and where. I feel as long as she is doing the same, I should extend the same courtesy. She also will let me know when she goes to the store and ask if I need anything and, again, I do the same. I figure as long as she is doing this, I should as well. Do you agree? Or should I be more mysterious? Thanks Wonka!
I am going through a separation right now and can understand a lot of what you are going through. May I ask what how old your wife is? If she is 35-43, there is a significant chance that her new personality is being brought on by perimenopause. This can create big time hormonal changes that puts her back to being like a teenager. Nothing you can do to change her chemistry...she has to get through it. The new chemistry amplifies past issues to the point of being irrational. You have to detach starting now and go as dark as you can. Trust me, if she gets through this she will remember you being strong and the old her will reignite some of the attraction that she somehow lost in her fog. If it doesn't work out, you will be much happier with yourself realizing that you showed her and yourself real strength. Someone once told me that who ever cares the least about the relationship wins...I believe this. I also know someone who had their wife come back to them after 7 months and want to work things out. He told her that she could come back and see how it works but under no circumstances is he giving up his girlfriends. That won him back a lot of control.
Unfortunately, we are all just a bag of chemicals. I think all women go through this and it is simply a matter of degree. My wife had depression before the hormonal imbalances so I don't think she had a chance. Six months after our separation she went into outpatient therapy for a month for treatment resistant depression...something she has never had in the past. Like everyone else here has said, take care of yourself. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Well, another day. I knew my W didn't like my GAL activities 2 nights ago. Yesterday she texts me on the way home that she is going out. No problem, tell her to have fun. She then stays out until 1:00 AM. I really don't care but my D14 was a bit upset and asked several times if her mother was coming home. This morning she tells me she is going out but not what she is doing. Running errands. This is a woman who hasn't gone out to "run errands" on a Saturday in years. She is doing something she doesn't want me to know about. I'm guessing looking for a place to live when she leaves but who knows. Things are moving so very fast now that her father has paid for her lawyer. I see her now and she isn't the same person. She is so different! Even more so then on B-day. She is harder, more mean. She is so uncaring about anyone but herself and her father. It's all she talks about. She has stopped trying to help her mother because she now says her mother was to blame for her parents divorce! I couldn't believe those words came out of her mouth.
I really need to just do what's best for myself and my kids but it's just so hard knowing that my W just doesn't care how her actions affect anyone else. She is so sure she is doing the right thing. I know this is a step back for me but today I just hate that this is happening. I miss the person who my W used to be. I grieve for the death of that person who I loved so much for so long. Not helpful, I know. Sometimes I think it would be easier if she had died. That way I wouldn't have to see this evil twin walking around pretending to be her. (yes, I know this IS her now, she's not pretending, just how I feel at times). I also don't understand how the things she says I did in the past that "caused" her to change how she feels are such small things compared to what she's doing now. I've GOT to stop trying to make sense of things like this! Way not helpful!
Time for me to just suck it up and get back to reality. To deal with what is and do what I must, knowing there is nothing I can do to stop her from destroying all we have built for 20 years. It's so hard at times not to be angry and hurt. To be the DBing S. Time for me to find a way to stop thinking about all this and just stay busy. I think I need to find some GAL thing to do tonight. I really don't want to listen to my W once again tell me how she is going to leave and tell me what she thinks I need to do.
Help! I'm in big trouble! Just found out my W stopped putting her check in our joint account this week. Now we're over drawn and broke! Worse part is she had me pay her car payment just before she did this emptying the account. She just didn't tell me! She's out so I texted her and she said I should have looked before paying anything. Why in God's name would she just do this and not tell me! How can she justify this in her mind in any way. You don't just do something like that without telling the person who pays the bills!
Now she wants to "figure it out" when she gets home. This is going to be fun! God grant me the strength to get through this, please. I don't get paid regularly. I just put money in but we have money going out and she has no idea what this is. She needed to sit down and go over this with me before she did this. We have already paid $150 in fees for the last few days! I have no idea when I'll get paid again. I smell her father in this. This isn't something she would do on her own.
Today is getting worse and worse. I also am beginning to think that there is more. I have reason to believe there may be OM in the picture (other than her father) and that will make things so much worse.
I'll come back later and post how this 'talk" goes. I'm sure it will be awful!
Matt, you keep trying to figure out crazy and I am thinking, after all this time, you should realize you can't.
MLCers do this with money. You need to get on it and fast. Do what you must to protect yourself.
And it really doesnt serve you well to continue to bash or assume it's her father. Whether it is or not, your path is still the same. Look after you and the kids.
Try not to go into the talk with the mindset that it is going to be awful.
Address the issues in a non-accusatory way, with control and steadiness.
I know you are right Ur. I just never believed she would do the things she has done just in the last 2 weeks since her father arrived. I know it's not his fault it's just that my W was at least being reasonable about it all, mostly. Yes she wanted out but she wasn't willing to financially destroy me in the process. I never would have believed she would not bother to even tell me she was stopping putting her pay in joint account! She knew I was buying food and making payments. She could have told me! That was a very mean thing to do and uncalled for. She keeps saying she wants us to be so reasonable, so fair. How is this either?
I expect her to tell me she signed a lease on some place when she gets back. Be just like who she has become just in the last 2 weeks!
Matt, I'm sorry about the checking account, but I'm not surprised. As she moves along deeper into her crisis, she's going to be doing a lot of "out of character or should I say the exact opposites" of what she would have done months ago. My xh stopped his direct deposit and had the nerve to email me and ask me to check the account and that's why I discovered the check was no longer being deposited. He knew what he did and he wanted to basically rub in in my face. Each and every one of them does something different, and yet, they operate from the same play book.
Do not expect her to do the things she use to do. She's not the same person and it's all about her now. Please, please get your finances separated and take care of your bank accounts. She's going to start spending and if she's on your charge cards, you'll need to reduce the limits or have her removed as quickly as you can. We all have been down this road at one time or another, please do not delay getting things taken care of.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I guess another thing that I'm trying to understand is why do I still love this woman as much as I do? This selfish behavior and the blaming me has been going on for years and before that I had to deal with 3 years of her depression, thoughts of suicide, inability to get out of bed most days. All through this I have loved her and still do. Now she wants to tell me that all her pain, all her depression, all her unhappiness is MY fault somehow and all she needs to do is get away from me and all will magically be happy and joyful and still I love her. My guess (and it's just that), is that you must release her to her "Mission",
b/c the only way she'll learn that happiness is what WE create in our lives, it comes from within, is by letting her go. The grass is greener, on the side where you water it the most.
Stop challenging her choices, b/c that only forces her to defend those choices. Back off and let her go. 15% of divorced couples, later remarry. You never know.
I'm not afraid of being alone or never finding another person to spend my life with. I know that if I did get divorced there will be someone out there that I could start over with, be "happy" with (since I know my being happy or not isn't up to anyone but me)but still I want my W. Why? Well, maybe b/c of a long history together, a lot of bonding memories and love and raising two children are some of the reasons. The other reasons, I can't say. But you've been in a crisis for years now.
Yes - people do change and IF this is who she's going to be for the foreseeable future, then MAYBE, just maybe, she's done you a favor...
Even she has said "Maybe you'll find out you'll be happier when I'm gone". Why do I still care so darn much for a person who has made it clear I'm not good enough or worse I am the cause of all their pain?
B/C you know it's not the truth. And maybe she doesn't know the truth, yet, and maybe the only way she can figure it out, is by finding out for herself.
Protect yourself and your d's, financially. I think her dad is so far out of line it's almost a form of inappropriately intimate abuse.
She's doing to her family, something like what her dad did to her family...ironic but not that rare.
Sad, tragic, but YOUR job is to be there for your daughters as best you can, NOW.
Kids know what a "rock" is they will always need a rock in their lives. You are the rock. Stay that way.
If you want to quit trying, or file b/c you feel the need to protect yourself and or your daughters, no one here will judge you. You are new to this site but you are NOT new to marital crisis. You've been on a roller coaster for a long time now.
Good luck. Do right by your kids and you'll have no regrets. Make sure you know the difference between a healthy boundary and a punitive act b/c of a wounded ego.
Sometimes it is a fine line. Try not to show her ANY of your anger b/c that will only fuel her decision to leave. Do not make her choose between her dad and you. Let HER FAMILY say what they will, you need say nothing.
Be the best dad you can be, now more than ever.
Your d's need you so much. Imo, if anything can move your wife, it'll be her seeing you as a great dad. (The dad she did NOT have growing up...) let those actions speak for you. just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hi Matt, I know what you are going through...I am currently 7 months separated and it's no fun. I have 2 younger children who are my world. It sounds like your wife is in her late 30's to early 40's. Have you noticed that this is the age that magically all these women seem to get like this? You might want to research perimenopause. This is the timeframe of hormonal imbalances. My wife already suffered chronic depression before this hit and she was a sitting duck. I am slowly starting to see some of the old her...now that she is on a new drug. I truly believe the chemical changes they go thru in their body accounts for a lot of their new personality. It amplifies everything they see a problem to the point of being irrational. I was a complete mess for the first 3 months but feel world better right now...it's still hard when you have kids. Point of this is: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It [censored], but you will get to the other side one way or another.
