Wife wants to leave #2

[Riley]

"Brandon,

Do you really want a D? If not, then don't file. I think you are "filing" to get a reaction from your W. Don't. It won't work at all.

Originally Posted By: Riley
She's been away from the apt for 2 days now. I'm filing for divorce. Going LRT, I realize I made mistakes and I can work on those and she won't. Maybe she can convince me but that window is shrinking.


What window are you talking about here? Talk your thoughts out here and we'll give you some support.

You've only been at this not even two weeks and you are acting based on emotions. Not good. Calm down and step back a moment. This is a marathon....not a sprint in the 50-yard dash.



^^^Listen to Wonka.

Take it from me. I reacted in the same way and really regretted it.

Take time to calm down and think things through. The situation sounds very emotionally volatile. Use this forum to vent and voice what you are thinking. The outside perspective is invaluable when all you want to do is to react.

What are your objectives/goals?"


Goal:
I want to be happily married and not be where I am at.


Objective:
1 Find out what went wrong
2 fix them in the best way possible

"In essence, I was very immature about relationships, in my understanding of what my wife wanted and what she was feeling.

I was so afraid of loosing her that I eventually would do anything to avoid conflict. I mistakenly thought that if I let her make the decisions, it would show her how considerate and loving I was being. I was the classic Mr. Nice Guy (A good book that explains this in detail is :"No More Mr. Nice Guy").

She only seemed to get more hostile. At the time, I was completely baffled. I didn't understand what was happening. I kept saying 'I am so confused right now. I am doing everything you are asking me to (cleaning house and running errands) but it does not seem to make a difference to you.'

The common issue she brought up was that she felt she was doing everything on her own and that she needed a real partner. The more she would 'attack me', the more I would withdraw, became very resentful of her.

Communication became very bad. I felt like she was not able to really articulate what was going wrong and suggested MC. We stopped after a few sessions and eventually I became a WAH with an overwhelming need to just get some space.

The deferring habit hit home again a few months ago and really woke me up as to how passive I had become in our M. After nearly a year, we had been slowly piecing and we took a walk through town. She asked me where we should go for coffee, and without thinking, I said "Wherever you want to go, doesn't matter to me."

She blew up at this and told me she just wanted me to make decisions.

It took a long time, and much later after the fact, for me to realize that I was not being emotionally available and I lacked decisiveness in our relationship. In other words, I was not being the man she needed me to be. The husband she thought I was. I was behaving like a kid. She was tired of being my mother."

I think I have become passive over time. I think my W may have said she feels like she is my mother, I can't remember right now. I think we do have similar problems.

So knowing that my W has said D a few times and I ended up filing for D after all, what should be done now? So far she has made no statement about wanting to stop the D. I meet with her Wednesday to talk about finances and I plan to keep it short. Like I said earlier I want to be in a happy M and I think she does need to seek counseling of some sort and get back on her meds. I plan to call and see a counselor myself this week or next just for more support.

Thanks