Have I any hope...?

[25yearsmlc]

So my WAWs dad is in a pretty bad way in hospital. He's 59 but looks 80. He is an alcoholic and basically his liver has packed in. The family haven't been told he is on death's door but WAW is extremely worried.

So I'm needing a bit of advice from any vets out there...

Just so you know, YES you've been having positives with your wife lately. My DB coach would argue that you should "listen like a lover" meaning, LISTEN and pay attention and validate her experience. Don't try to "Fix" her grief, b/c it's her dad's life/problems and if he's on death's door (my dad died from liver problems)

then she'll hit the floor. She may bottom out and look to you (gonna make her walk on glass, THEN???) OR she may act out. Remember, that's what YOU did when your mom passed away.

How do I approach all this? We are getting on better than ever since S and I stayed last weekend at our home which went pretty well. I want to support her in anyway I can but also understand that she needs to stand on her own two feet - plus I don't want her thinking I'm doing this just to get back with her (although if I'm honest I want her to see how what she had and is missing).

Be kind to her. Offer specific help (such as 'picking up groceries/medicines, cleaning in laws yard" or whatever helps. Your job is to be a pillar of support and to SHOW UP for your wife now, more than ever.

Model for her, what you would want if you were in her shoes. Compliment her strength or dignity if it comes up. Mention her being a good daughter to her dad, if applicable.
What are HER Love languages? Meaning, how does she RECEIVE love, and how does she GIVE it? (See the book "Five Love Languages" by Chapman. IT's not a hard read but it does contain some good insights and reminders).

Contribute to her "love tank" and absorb and acknowledge it when she gives or shows love and compassion to you. Compliment her.

Be there for her until her family crisis has passed, which it won't do in a week or two. As you know, if her parent died, it'll be a long process for her. Know that and don't get impatient. But when her family crisis has passed, your job will be to model a man only a fool would leave. Strong, honorable, selfless, showing leadership. There will come a time when some mystery would help and if you can do it without appearing unsupportive during her crisis, go ahead. Otherwise, wait. Meaning, don't act as if you have a date a week after her dad passes away...

Make sense?


I'm down this weekend for one night to continue painting for the eventual house sale but I'm concerned that she will see me as Plan B.

gee, maybe you should be nasty to her to "show her a thing or two!!" (Yeah, like she was right to go...???)

Me helping around the home and being a gd dad was never the issue.

You said you were a homebody and a couch potato. So look good and be strong and be active. You can do that and be kind and supportive to her.


It was my lack of GAL and us going out with friends. But I feel by being there for her when her dad is ill can only be a good thing.

It IS a good thing and frankly, if you blow it, NOW, you can quit the whole thing. For many people, acting out when a spouse really needs you, is unforgivable. Surely it's hard to forget.

She was great with me when my mum died 6 years ago. In either case I am very fond of him and it is awful to see him in this way.

Then do the right thing. You know what that is.

I am continuing to GAL slowly but surely. Another day of golf this week plus visiting my friends.

Again, how do I approach supporting her at this time? Am I doing the right thing?

Doing the right thing is usually doing the loving thing. Sometimes you have to let Life give them the consequences of their choices. Now is not that time.

When she calls you in the middle of the night, LISTEN to her. Share stories about her dad if you can, b/c the more you show her how you actually feel about him, the more the bond is. But let HER do most of the talking when it comes to her dad...

hope this helps.