Starting to get it

[claire7]

^^^ yep. Just wanted to say "me too." We are relatively young.... who knows what the future holds but the good news is that we are developing the tools to make it a happy and fulfilling one no matter what. Our WAS' s? That's up to them. But whatever they choose for themselves doesn't have to dictate the happiness of our lives.

[mustardseed]

So true Claire. I have a job interview tomorrow. It is good to have something to focus on that gives me options. I also have plans with friends on Friday. So GAL is finally picking up again. I guess I really lost sight of my DBing since he told me he still loved me in January.

So I am going to act single (but not looking) from now on. But it still stinks because I still love him and I don't want to get over him. I never had problems getting over exes in the past because usually by the time it was over, I was already way over it. But not with him. I don't ever want to be over him. That's not to say I don't want to move on, or that I won't ever be able to accept a change in our relationship definition (maybe one day I can be friend without being wife), but to stop loving him--it feels impossible. It is like trying to stop loving my parents. I can distance myself. I can live my life separate from them, but I could never stop loving them and missing them when I don't see them for a while. I've never been a romantic relationship with that kind of love before I found him, and I can't imagine being in one with anyone else.

So, I will walk the walk as best I can, but I don't know how to not feel so lonely and sad while doing it. I don't know how to not miss him while I am GAL. And it is weird how vulnerable and insecure I feel--I've never felt like this before. I plan on chopping my hair tomorrow. I never had a problem doing that in the past. I've never felt attached to my hair, but this time I am terrified about it. For the first time in my life I am worried about what someone else will think about my new haircut. Who cares if he doesn't like it? Well, apparently I do, and I've never ever been THAT girl before. But I am still going to do it.

[mustardseed]

SO I guess my answer to my last question about how to do this without feeling lonely or sad was to just notice when he is acting like a jerk, and realizing I don't want to be with that jerk.

He is like a teenager sometimes. He avoids having conversations with me like I have the plague or something. I only initiate when they are related to the kids. So the day before D11 birthday I was whispering to him what I got her from us and he seem repulsed that I was so close to him--maybe I was reading into it so much and it was just that tickling sensation you get when someone is near your ear who knows. But the next day he did a nice thing by packing up the ices D11 wanted to take to school for her birthday, but he put them in the car without telling me. He couldn't even drop me a simple text giving me the heads up. When I noticed the ices weren't in the freezer D11 said dad had taken them. I assumed he brought them to the school--he takes S12 down to school earlier so it made sense.

on my lunch break I get a nasty text accusing me of forgetting the ices. My response was, "I didn't know they were in the car, I'll run them down to the school now". His response, "The are melted by now. I'll take care of it." Like the big Fing hero. My normal MO was always to just let it go. And most likely I would end up apologizing eventually. But once again I learned a new boundary. So I responded saying, Next time please tell me if you put something in the car before I leave for work." His response, "next time ask". I responded, "How would I even know to ask?" I mean really. Everyday I am supposed to ask, "did you put something in the car I need to drop off at school?" give me a break. He continued to make it my failure and I disengaged. We really haven't spoken much since, and I have been kind of ok with that. He is really reminding me of a teenager, not giving me any information and then blaming me for not knowing.

Then I overheard him talking to my daughter (probably for my benefit) about the fact that she missed his mother's birthday call. He said, "she probably called during all of the CHAOS". The chaos being her three friends and my parents having cake and pizza in our home. No acknowledgment that she probably called the home phone, which the kids have been trained never to answer (none of us ever answer it) because there are so many collections calls coming in all the time. And when the TV is off we don't see the caller ID. But he just had to put in a dig about how much he despises having people over--unless they are there for him.

And I realized, I don't want to live like that. I always imagined having the go-to house, filled with kids and people just stopping by--that's how I grew up and I liked it. I had to give that up because of his grouchiness which has only gotten worse. He is to the point of hating just about everyone. He made it clear to me a few weeks ago that he doesn't want to do any outings or functions anymore. So even if we stay married I will never have a date. At first I thought, yeah, but he is worth it. But now I see that he really isn't. He went away this weekend and the kids are spending time with the grandparents, so for the first time in (maybe forever) I had the whole house to myself overnight. And I liked it. I miss the kids, but the peace and quiet, the ability to just let my emotions cycle through me freely, and the aloneness has made me really productive calm.

I realized that I have been his yo-yo for the past year and I have finally cut the string. He isn't what I want anymore. Right now he has no redeeming qualities that make this limbo worth it.

I sent out more resumes. I have to find a better job. So my newest self-help focus is to get past that "I'm not good enough" pit that blocks me from landing the job I am highly qualified for but always held myself back from with excuses. I am reading Wayne Dyer "Excuses BEgone!" and I hope it helps. I realize I am inspired and confident right up until the moment I sit down to do what needs to be done. I also noticed in the interview I had last week, about half way through, that I was not selling myself for the position I want but instead speaking from the perspective of the position I already have. Once I recognized it (by the interviewer offering me basically the same job I am doing now with my current organization, but at half the pay--with the option of moving up) I changed my tune and I noticed a change in how she saw me from that point forward, but the damage was already done. Oh well, live and learn. I just hope I get more bites. Getting interviews is the hard part. But even with just the application process. I recognize that pit in my chest. The part that says, "no one is even going to look at this anyway, they already know who they are hiring and the posting is just a formality, all I have is X experience and they only want someone who has already has xxx experience, blah blah blah. All of those self-defeating mantras. Hopefully now that I recognize it I can turn it around.

My main goal right now--get a better paying job and start putting money away so we can move out. Because whether we separate or stay together one thing H and I definitely agree on is that we don't want to live here anymore.

[Ggrass]

Mustard seed, I can so relate. The work thing is tough, no so long ago I was applying for jobs 6 per week. Most never getting to interview or getting a rejection letter.

It can be hard, but remember its a numbers game, the more numbers you put out the more likely your going to crack the good job.

[mustardseed]

Ggrass, thanks for the response. I have been trying to land this position for about 6 years, but the market (especially in this area) had closed up--so I took a lesser position in the hopes of moving up which hasn't happened. No one was retiring, budgets were being slashed. I felt like I put all of my eggs in one basket, and to be honest I am someone who feels uncomfortable with change. I love the people I work with and the idea of starting over with a new organization terrifies me--something I recently realized is another one of my self-defeating excuses.

I went back to school over the summer and got an additional certification that is opening up more doors, and I noticed that the climate is also changing because suddenly there are 10 postings where there had been barely 1 for the past 7 years--and new programs are starting, for which I already have the appropriate certification, so this could be my time--finally.

[Ggrass]

Just keep punching that wall eventually you will get some where. Trust me, I have very few real qualifications, but sheer never give up is on the top of that list.

Just never give up, that's the only time your truely destined to fail.

[mustardseed]

So I guess the process is beginning. He pulled most of the money out of our joint account. In all fairness, his paycheck was the only going to that account and I never used it, except to take out his share of the bill money. Of course he didn't tell me he did this until after I had already written out a check. Now I am going to have to ask him for that money every pay period. There is also an overdraft line of credit that has been maxed out for years that they pull $20 from the account to keep current. That was my biggest concern because I am finally getting my credit back on track, I don't want that to now go into default. When I mentioned it to him he said he will take care of it so we can close the account.

At first I did all the wrong things when I found out. I was all over the place emotionally. I'm scared and I didn't try to hide it. I started asking all of the questions I have been harboring, WHY? What did I do? How did we go from point A to point Z in less than a year, without even trying to figure out if this is salvageable. Then I started doing the really bad stuff of dismissing his feelings. Telling him he is breaking up a family and other stuff that I knew better than to say, but after holding everything together for so long it just all came out. It wasn't a yelling situation, but certainly a pathetic and desperate side of me that just unleashed.

After I took a walk and he took a drive, I decided to just have a finances talk with him, because that is my biggest concern. He isn't the type of person who would deliberately want to leave us struggling, but he really is not smart about money. He has very little concept of prioritizing payments and no concept about paying off debt, forget the idea of saving. He doesn't pay things on time--not even because he forgets but because he doesn't think it is important, which is why I took over the bills (way to late to save our financial situation or our marriage apparently).

I'm afraid of what will happen now that I have to rely on him to give me the bill money rather than me just writing a check from the joint account. But then again, maybe if I didn't find money conversations so daunting and avoided them for so long, we wouldn't have gotten to this point in the first place. Time for me to grow up and approach these things like an adult getting things done the way they ought to be done, rather than as a child feeling like I am asking him to take care of me--it is his home and his kids, too--his responsibility as much as it is mine. Why do I feel guilty asking him for a some money so I can fund the kids lunch accounts? All of the expenses in question our household and family expenses, not for my own personal gain. I always felt guilty about the fact that I didn't contribute much financially, and I always viewed the money he made as his money (even when I wasn't working). He never acted like that and always had the What's Mine Is Yours approach, but also never wanted to talk about finances or come up with a good responsible plan, and because he was the big earner I didn't think it was my place to impose my ideas. So no one paid attention, we got deeper in debt and were always on the verge of having utilities shut off because we were just so careless. When I worried about it and wanted to pay a bill I would ask him, and he usually would say, "hold off on that" and I would. Now I realize what an immature stance that was for me to take. When I separated the finances so that I could take charge of making sure bills will paid, suddenly he became all caught up in the idea of his money, my money, but because he paid no attention to household bills or expenses it turned into me having to ask him for money to take care of things. At the end of the month I have less than $100 in spending money for things that are just for me, and he has close to $2000 or more (hard to tell because he does buy some groceries and things with his unaccounted money). And he has the gall to complain that he contributes more to the bills? And I totally enabled that--well not anymore!!

I need to just get a grip. I need to accept that this marriage is over and take all emotion out of it. He says he is planning on leaving, and the kids and I can still stay here, but I don't know how his employer will feel about that. I guess if it is a separation that will be ok, but once we are divorced I don't think I will be allowed to continue to live here. But, putting it all into perspective, that could take some time and hopefully I will have a better paying job. I have to stop worrying about it. He wants it, he needs to make it happen, and I need to hold my ground to make sure the kids and I continue to be provided for.

Is there anything I can do to make sure the kids and I are being provided for fairly before any sort of actual physical separation happens? We are currently still living in the same home, and as of right now it doesn't sound like he is ready to make the move, when I asked when or where he planned to go he said he has no idea.

[mustardseed]

I'm stressing out now worried about what is going to bounce or clear. Why did he do this? Was he being passive aggressive or does he just have such little regard for how is actions effect the rest of us? It is just like with the ice pops. A simple heads up would be helpful. I have been making these withdrawals every payday for over a YEAR. And he couldn't give me the heads up that he changed banks.

[mustardseed]

Wow, third post today. That is a lot for me. I've calmed down a lot. He did his best to try to fix the bad check situation and now it is really just a matter of timing but even if the check bounces he put in enough for us to be covered. I hope my bank will try to redeposit after it bounces--otherwise I will just have to write out another one.

But I need help getting back on the DB train. Not even because I am trying to save my marriage so much anymore, but because I want to be able to survive this time of living under the same roof under these conditions. And yeah, money issues is what makes me the most crazed because I know I can't support myself right now and I hate being at his mercy. I have to trust he will do right by us, but he is so unpredictable these days.

So I have accepted that my marriage is over. If some future time comes where he changes his mind it will be something brand new, but I am no longer holding my breath. I am not going to jump right back into his arms.

But we need to still live together, parent together, and manage finances together. The parenting is pretty easy, we have always been good at that and pretty much on the same page. The living together is annoying, but tolerable. I can't stand his mess and his clutter, it was always irritating but something I thought was worth the annoyance because he was worth it--and I'm no neat freak. Now it just pisses me off. Finances were the one thing that I always thought would be our doom. It was one of those things that I never so a solution to and the thing I assumed would break us. Funny how it seems to be the least of his worries, or maybe that is telling. But now I think if I am all business, no more trying to sugar coat, or stroke him, or follow his lead, then maybe things will be better financially.

But how does that fit into DBing? If I need money for something for the kids or the household I will have to bring it up. Does that count as bringing up marriage issues? I reread sandy's rules and I realize how off the mark I have gotten in recent months. ugh. Looks like I will be here a lot more often these days.

[Georgiabelle]

Mustard ,

Protecting you and your children financially is most important. Don't worry about whether your h would not want you to struggle- it's a non issue what you think his intentions are. You did say he was a poor money manager so all the more reason to protect yourself financially.

Making sure you have a roof over your head and food on the table is not R talk. Focus on you and the kids. Good luck on the job search. A book I used to love is called " Dare to Win" (cheesy title- great book).


It will get better:-)