KGirl - Movin' On and Out!

[KGirl]

Thank you. To be honest, I woke up this morning feeling rather down about my efforts. People post on here about how they feel changed, how they are in a so much better place now, how they are much happier with their lives, etc. I don't really feel like that, and I wondered if I just haven't been trying hard enough - have I done anything to change myself? Have I really been doing all I can on my side of the street? Maybe it's just been gradual enough that I don't notice. Or maybe those changes are ones that won't be seen until something else happens that really wakes them up, or a crisis moment. Maybe it means I'm still stuck. I'm thinking I should go back and read my earlier thoughts/posts more careful - I imagine if I do I WILL see a difference! Even imagining a life where I can be happy without my H is a fairly significant change from six months ago, where I was certain there was no way I'd be able to go on without him.

I had a lightbulb moment today. The book I am reading ("I Love You But I Don't Trust You") has a chapter on "Being Open vs. Being Hidden" and I re-read that one today. Wish I would have known this years ago. To summarize, the chapter talks about how in relationships people aren't identical, so one person is going to be less open to some degree than the other. Over time the "less open" person starts to be seen by their partner as hidden/hiding things from them, which leads to small but ongoing issues of trust. The "open" person pushes on the "hidden" person, which causes them to withdraw more, which continues the dynamic. When the hidden person does share things, if the other person flips out or goes a little crazy or accuses them ("What else have you not been telling me?") the hidden person feels like they shouldn't continue to share things if the other person will just punish them for sharing.

Yikes. When my H told me about his work friend and his feelings for her (and of course, I flipped out), he later said "That's why I don't want to tell you things. It's just better that I don't." Right there - that is what this book is describing. And years of patterns of interaction between us.

The solution? Both parties agree that the "hidden" person shares more and the other person doesn't lose it/get accusatory when things are shared that they don't like. What I should have been doing when H shared things that were potentially upsetting was sandwiching my feelings about what he said with encouragement/praise for his openness, and suggestions for other ideas. For example: "I really appreciate that you shared that with me. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me that. While I'm not happy about X/Y/Z, I'm grateful that we can talk about it." And then ask for suggestions, or alternatives, and reassure him that he can continue to approach me with things.

Maybe it's too late now, but if things change I'm happy I have better tools to figure this out, and have made the effort to figure out WHY (rather than feeling confused - i.e. "I don't know what happened, he just walked away") I will do the best I can with whatever might happen this next week, but after that, our contact is going to be so limited that it's hard to see things changing in a positive direction (unless he ends up missing me!)