I had an affair... and I want my Fiancee back

[DBinSF]

Barrybran,

Thanks for the empathetic reply. I am indeed digging right now.

I'm looking first not at "what was missing in these women" but at what's missing inside me that leads me to believe there might be something missing in these women -- if that makes sense.

I experienced severe trauma and abuse growing up in an alcoholic home. I'm in Alanon recovery right now (have been for 4 years), but I wasn't really getting to the bottom of it. I started intensive therapy 3 months ago (2x a week), and within weeks I had called it off with the OW and started moving towards opening up and being more vulnerable with my Fiancee.

My main problem is one of discomfort with true intimacy. The sex I most "enjoy" is fleeting, physical sex with a woman I can completely objectify. I escape to a fantasy of who she is and feel "dominant." Sex with my partner (fiancee) was softer and sweeter and required me to summon up a deeper intimacy and vulnerability, which made me fearful and withdrawn. I literally felt like my penis was smaller with my fiancee than with the OW. It was demoralizing and damaging to my self-esteem.

What I'm working on now is decoupling sex from my self esteem. I've committed to 3 months minimum of celibacy (unless my Fiancee and I get back together). It might be more if I still have sexual urges during periods of weakness and low self-esteem.

I keep on asking for advice on what my next move is with my fiancee, but I'm getting a pretty clear message from the community here that I should be keeping the focus on myself. Let me know if there's anything else I need to know.

Thanks!