I have had a thread over on Newcomers for at least 6 months but have updated very rarely for last few months as nothing has changed. Last week I read a thread over here with 30 signs of MLC. After seeing my h is 29/30 I breathed a sigh of relief and said "This is where I belong".
It has been 9 months since BD. 6 months since h stopped saying he wanted to work on M. In some ways I am 5 hank full as it forced me to take a long hard look at myself. I barely recognize that person anymore. I was an obsessive compulsive anxious hyper critical control freak. Now with the help of therapy, medication and meditation, lots of positive reading and good friends I am not.
My h still lives in the house. In the beginning it was torture. Now we just keep to ourselves. I take care of his dog and clean up after his kitchen messes. It benefits me for him to stay in the house. I get to have my s under the same roof as me every night. Also h is drinking regularly. I know when I have to produce my journals and photos documenting this it will be the end of any chance of an amicable relationship.
H is still going strong with OW although he still denies the relationship. She told me I broke him and she is fixing him. This works out great for him as it takes responsibility for past and future off his hands.
So here are the two challenges I am having now.
1. Boundaries. There are none. We still share finances. He eats the groceries I buy. He comes and goes and does what he pleases and I don't ask anything. Some days he is civil and some days he treats me like the source of all evil. I tried to set a boundary of talk to me with respect. He laughed and said I didn't deserve respect. I admit in the past we flung some horrible cr@p at each other. I feel horrible for things I have said and am trying better. I also have more self respect now. I have also asked him not to talk to me when he is drinking but he will deny drinking while holding a bottle.
The other boundary is to not take s around OW. I don't know if there is any way to enforce that.
2. S has behavior issues that haven't gotten worse. We started with a therapist for him. There is no buy in from h. He claims s does not exhibit these behavior with him so the problem is me. I feel like I am running into a brick wall because he contradicts what changes I am trying to do with s.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
I've wondered how you were doing and am happy to hear an update. I was going to say it was good to see you, but this isn't a fun club. However, there are lots of great peeps in this club. H lives in the basement, correct?
I think when your h starts to monster at you, you simply say in a calm voice, " I will not be spoken to this way" or " I'm going to leave until you calm down " and walk out. Something to that effect. On a personal note, I've found mentioning a boundary to a person in MLC is like talking to a jar of peanut butter. Your actions will speak louder than words.
In regards to s, others may disagree but I say continue on with therapy regardless of what your h says. Your h will blame you for the price of gas , the Broncos getting blown out in the Super Bowl, and why there is only one Saturday in a week. Does your h watch s? I know you said your d drinks a great deal so I'm just curious about his condition around s.
Hang in there:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yes having your h in the house is probably better for you financially and in terms of seeing your son more often but in many ways this is enabling his alcoholic and abusive behavior.
I don't see how you can create any boundaries with shared finances and in the same house?
I didn't follow your thread on newcomers but I am proud that you have used therapy and medications to help heal yourself. I too used those tools and am so grateful. I have also found alanon very helpful and it's given me A great group of mom friends that I would have never met otherwise
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Cadet- I will check out that link on my lunch break. How do I find your homework post?
Brklynmom- I do worry about enabling his drinking. I have certainly stopped doing things I did when we were "together" like making him comfortable when he passes out or finding things he loses. I went to a few Alanon meetings a while back. The group was a Newcomers group that focused on the steps but no one shared personal stories or experience. I had said I was going to look for another group buthat never did. I should. I don't have any real life friends who have been through living with an addiction. OW told me that she left her husband years ago because he drank. She believes h when he tells her he only drinks because of me. I spent about a week fuming about that but finally realized it is not my problem. That is her lesson to learn.
GB- he is only alone with s 2 nights a week when I work till 10. I don't think I would trust him alone with him for any extended time.
I am going to spend some time tonight reading some of the MLC resources posted here. I think getting back to posting and reading here regularly will be good for me.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
My s had a major anxiety attack when I dropped him off at sitter today. He is getting worse. I think Georgia Belle has been posting as well about how her kids are anxious when she is away. It s@cks. I feel like his childhood is being tainted.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
OW told me that she left her husband years ago because he drank.
Wow, she's quite the rocket scientist, eh?
Hi Julia,
I'm sorry you are having a rough time. Many of us on the boards have struggled with alcoholic spouses. You will find lots of support here.
As a highly experienced mom and teacher of difficult kids, I would suggest you take good care of you (emotionally, physically and spiritually) in order to be the mom your son needs. The last thing he needs is for his mom to fall off the deep end like his dad. Make YOU your first priority.
Next, spend as much time holding him and reassuring him as possible. I think our kids, often and especially during trying times, just need us to cuddle them. Give him 30 minutes of cuddle time each day while watching a show and I bet you will see him relax some and roll a little better with the punches.
Hang in there. Set a small boundary first. Maybe the food? Something relatively easy to deal with..."I would appreciate it if you ate before you came over. I just can't afford to feed you and S right now. I appreciate you understanding."
Then, drop it. See what happens. In my experience with alcoholics, you have to be very, very, very clear about the boundary. Then, you have to follow up with actions. If he disregards the boundary, then, you will need to think of what is your next step. The food may be hard if he watches S at your house.
But, think about something small you can control. Start small and embrace your power. I guarantee you have wayyy more than you think.
Much Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
She believes h when he tells her he only drinks because of me.
I meant to add this sentence...then, "She's quite the rocket scientist." Lol.
He's NOT drinking because of YOU. And, she's an idiot for believing that. He's drinking because he has a problem with drinking and he can't handle his stress in life. Period.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Cadet yes I read DR back when I first found Newcomers board but it has been a while. Thanks for the links to the MLC specifics. I am looking forward to homework. I feel better when I have a little more understanding. I have worked so kook hard on detaching and still am. Labug especially has been a great help with this.
Heather thanks for the support. I read your, thread this morning and will check back on your updates. My s gets LOTS of cuddle time. Maybe more than he wants. Haha.
H lives in the play room. The food isn't such a big deal as we still share finances. It is just an example of his inconsiderate attitude that irks me.
I spent a week last month answering calls from OW and trying to reason with her. Thank goodness I snapped out of it and stopped letting myself get dragged into their games and shared delusion.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
