Barrybran - New Thread

[Barrybran]

She went out for work and said "I will respond to your novel later. One thing I will say is that during our marriage, I had temptation asks resisted. What does that say?" I left it alone and I'll wait for her response when it comes. I still feel confident that weer can work things out. The road seems to be getting longer and longer though. I'll just keep walking it and hope my wife comes driving by some day and stops to pick me up.

[Barrybran]

I had a good day today. My wife was moody in the morning and understandably so. She went to work and I set about my day. The kids cleaned their bedrooms, I did some chores and then I organised everyone, went into town to run an errand and spent some time at the park with the kids. D2 was a hoot as she was chasing geese in the park while S7 and D4 were perched on top of a rock and hiding behind my leg respectively. It was nice to take them all down as S7 misses out on a lot since he goes to school and I've been guilty of not putting effort into having quality time with him. After the park we went to lunch in town, popped in to visit W at work to get the kids some water and took them out to other family for them to spend the night. I had a good chat with would-be MIL and FIL and watched the kids interacting with them and their grandson.

I came back home, did more chores, watched some football and went for a walk as my wife was due to arrive home. My wife responded to my letter and a while later asked me if I had any reaction. I told her she gave me some things to think about and that I was going to put due thought into it before I respond. She appeared confused by this and I stood my ground. We got into a conversation about the letter. I stated that my expectations of our relationship were wrong and that I had treated not only her but our kids and both our families poorly. She went into details of the letter and I STFU and listened. I really wanted to say that the letter reflected my thoughts and opinions then and not now. I didn't say a word though.

One of the more controversial things in my letter was that I questioned why I should remain faithful to my wife when she showed no interest in me at all, our sex life had reduced to very little/zero and she was rejecting my advances. It was a thought I had at my darkest point when I was very philosophical about societal expectations of married people versus what was actually happening within my own marriage. It's a completely absurd view now. Something that shouldn't be tolerated. I do have a greater understanding of why people enter affairs as they feel lost and often don't have the tools to deal with it appropriately. This is another thing I would love to say to my wife as I feel confident I can deal with that situation now when I felt I couldn't deal with it at the time. At the time I had unrealistic expectations of our relationship and very little self-esteem and self-respect and I relied on her for my own happiness. When it wasn't forthcoming, I didn't know how to handle it and I veered towards someone who was showing me positive attention. It doesn't make it right. It is important to acknowledge the feelings though. I would love to tell my wife all of this and I feel it's an important step in any potential reconciliation. I stayed away from it tonight and focused on her feelings and thoughts. I just listened and validated and clarified information as required. I handled it pretty well I feel.

After the conversation, she offered to put on dinner for me and we ate in separate rooms. She wanted ice cream so I offered to go to the store and when I couldn't find the ice cream she wanted, I made a decision myself as to what to get and brought it home. It was the wrong stuff and she was gracious enough to thank me for the effort despite getting it wrong. She asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her and she suggested picking up where we left off with the Harry Potter series that we hadn't watched in a couple of months. Obviously there was no intimacy. It was nice to have my wife ask to do something with me, enjoy her company and have some small talk.

It's a quiet house now as the kids aren't around and my wife is in bed. I'm watching the end of another football game and I'll reread what my wife said in response to my letter. I'll probably draft a response tonight and review it in the morning.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Barry,

I hope you have luck with letters. I have always found that my waw saw them as lectures and built up resentment towards me for writing them. I think the hardest lesson we all learn and continue to learn is actions that are consistent speak louder than words. Spending time your children and being the best dad you can be will do more to heal than any words can.

[Barrybran]

Thanks LT. I wrote is because my wife asked me to. We've been dealing with this for over 12 months and from my perspective we've been focused on the actions of the infidelity while I've been bottling up my feelings as to why it happened. I read that dealing with her feelings was important and I couldn't find anything about dealing with mine other than they had to be dealt with for reconciliation to be successful. I read that as 'deal with her feelings and deal with my feelings if/when she wants to come back'. In the meantime, I had been dealing with my feelings here. I cracked the other night and told her the actions of the infidelity were only half the story. She called me out for still hiding things and she was right so I wrote the letter so she has the full story.

Aside from this instance, I've steered clear of letter writing since finding this site. It's not helpful at all.

[Barrybran]

I'm curious about something and would like some opinions. My wife has been trying to process my affair and wants to move past it. Previously I had only dealt with her feelings and bottled up mine despite believing that my feelings were important to the story. She now wants to know the entire story so she can learn from it and move forward with her life.

I feel that 5LL explains a lot of the misunderstanding between us and I'm wondering if I should tell her about it. Not give her the book or explain it but just tell her about it and let her ask questions or Google it herself. If she wants to know more I can give her the book to read and I plan to do so if we eventually reconcile. I also have a friend who swears by 5LL who I can direct my wife to if she is skeptical about it.

Does anyone have any suggestions on this?

[Barrybran]

I just had a bit of a 'saw that going differently in my mind' moment. I responded to my wife and included the parts about 5LL. I figure if she genuinely wanted to know my side of the story I felt it helped to explain how we were on different pages with one another. She told me she felt that separation was still the answer for her right now and that she didn't know what the future held.

A while later she starts talking about 5LL. We did the quizzes and she had me down to a tee. My answers for her were off. Granted, I could only answer based on my experiences with my wife but I expected our answers to be closer together. She found it "interesting", subtly highlighting that I didn't know her as well as I perhaps should. So I may have inadvertently made things a little harder for myself tonight.

On the bright side, I know what she feels her love language to be (words of affirmation) and I wasn't too far off when I did the quiz for her months ago and came up with a primary language of gifts. One concerning thing was that I felt she valued acts of service much more than she does and quality time far less than she does. In fact, quality time came in second for her alongside gifts.

She said to me that this stuff doesn't work for everyone. She's right. I'll take the glass-half-full approach because I've got a pretty good map I feel.

[Barrybran]

Geez, first post for June. It's a positive one too. I had my best day with my wife since February today and I feel I DB'd out of the park.

We traveled out of town to meet with our solicitor regarding a mediation scheduled for next week with D4's bio Dad. The appointment was 90 minutes away and while the drive began quietly, it was pleasant and mixed with a fair bit of small talk. I listened and validated and when sections of the conversation were over I went back to what I was doing (looking out the window). I continued to listen and validate as we discussed D4 and our appointment and I asked her her thoughts and feelings on issues.

Our appointment went well and my wife felt a lot better having spoken to our solicitor. She appeared more relaxed and we discussed D4's situation and the appointment. I continued to listen and validate and expressed my thoughts as "what do you think about..." rather than "I think..."

Conversation flowed more freely after this point, my wife shared thoughts and feelings about other things and we even shared jokes, looks and laughs. We ran a couple of errands, she proposed lunch and the location and we had an enjoyable meal together, then did some food shopping together. By this point, things were very light and enjoyable. We popped into a Target store where she showed me some things she wanted and where I would express concern over spending before, I listened and validated instead.

We stopped in at the fuel station on the way home and since the fuel cap was on my side (passenger side), I got out and filled the car. My wife didn't object to this and even joked with me and then handed me her bank card to pay for it when I was done. We drove home and conversation continued to be light and fun.

My wife was incredibly clucky prior to our situation and I shut her down religiously due to money. My wife's brother is having a baby in a couple of months, a friend of her's is also having one in a couple of months and her best friend has a 9-month old. We saw some babies and lots of baby clothes throughout the day and by the end of our journey, my wife was talking about having another baby and making jokes about our lives with another baby in it. She did acknowledge that it wasn't a good idea right now given the situation. I listened, validated, asked questions where appropriate and joined in on jokes. When she mentioned that it wasn't a good time I replied that it would happen "when the time is right."

All in all, a very good day. As I said, the best day since February. No touching and no relationship talk; just listening, validating, keeping things light and staying focused on the kids and my wife. Now we're back home for the night and I'll just carry on with my night as usual. My wife has gone to the gym and I'm cooking dinner and bathing the kids. When my wife comes home, I'll do my own thing and she's welcome to join me if she wishes. If not, I'll appreciate today and enjoy my own company

[Barrybran]

Just got this message from W:

Thank you for being the support I needed today. I enjoyed today minus the reason for going. Thank you.

[cat04]

Barry,

What is clucky?

Sounds like someone knocked you over the head with a frying pan. Are you sure you are the same guy i used to post to?

[Barrybran]

You haven't heard the term clucky? Don't tell me it's an Australian thing that an Australian (me) doesn't know is Australian To be clucky is to be wanting a baby. ie. my wife brought up having another baby, something she felt strongly about pre-BD (that I shut down constantly) and hasn't brought up since BD.

I haven't read back through my threads in a while and yet I know there's a massive difference compared to even two threads ago. Still heaps of work in front of me though.