Train, I think you make a lot good points, esp about boundaries. The problem is, I seriously do not know what my boundaries are at this point. This separation is so confusing and murky. I know for sure I do not want H home unless he is willing to agree to the deal breakers I laid out in this thread initially. At least that much I am clear on in my mind. But beyond that I feel very confused. I often feel like I want to tell him I will not tolerate any form of infidelity including and especially continued contact with OW, even while separated. But if I state that how can I realistically monitor whether or not he's in contact with her? I had no clue while he was living with me. It seems like a silly thing to say/expect at this point and would just drive him away, whether he's in touch with her or NOT.
Why is this so confusing and difficult for me?
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
You pointed out the other day that our sitches seem similar.
I will never be able to monitor my H's communications with OW either. But I have had clues about it by his behavior towards me. He tends to find my "quirks" -- like my taste in books, for example -- less endearing when he's been in touch with her. Less patient with me. Quicker to leave small chores to me. Less considerate.
I spent a lot of time counting the minutes till I could get him home. I'm starting to really think of it as a new relationship now. The idea is "would I let a new boyfriend do x?" If no, then that's a boundary for me. In many ways I am a single woman right now. The old marriage is definitely over. If I want to build a stronger one, then I have to behave like I'm in the process of making it by being my best self and not expecting more of him than where he is. Being my best self means showing self-respect and confidence in the treatment I receive as well as the treatment I dish out.
This is definitely tricky with kids & family involved. But it's also kind of exciting -- I get to look forward to all those "firsts" again. If I'm really lucky I'll get a do-over with my H, this time without the crash-and-burn. That's a wonderful possibility.
MamaB recommended reading over the posts of pearl harbor about detaching & boundaries. I found them enormously helpful. Basically she took her SO's name off all her expectations of a future relationship and found ways to do the things she cared about.
You've gotten great advice from others here. I'm not sure how good mine is but I'm cheering for you. Best of luck and enjoy your weekend!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks so much Maybell, the new boyfriend analogy is a good one!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
you have to be more afraid of losing you than of losing him
that is how you set boundaries
what are you worth?
I never told my current partner that I wouldn't tolerate cheating. I don't have to. I am the kind of person who wouldn't tolerate cheating...does that make sense?
you can never plan for all the possible things he may do
you just have to be you and good with you
if a friend came and gave you a hug would you respond that it is confusing? or a person from work? nope...you would accept the hug for what it is...a hug of comfort
do not place any motives behind things...like why is he hugging me, what does this mean, etc
Just face value
It will help you remain calm in your mind
I have tried to do the same thing with my interactions with everyone. Does my male co-worker hugging me when my grandma died mean he wants to get in my pants or start a relationship or buy me dinner or send me on a trip or...
nope... he saw I was hurting he cares about me as a person he gave me a hug
thinking in this way makes my interactions with everyone seem much more genuine.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
