Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

[Maybell]

You pointed out the other day that our sitches seem similar.

I will never be able to monitor my H's communications with OW either. But I have had clues about it by his behavior towards me. He tends to find my "quirks" -- like my taste in books, for example -- less endearing when he's been in touch with her. Less patient with me. Quicker to leave small chores to me. Less considerate.

I spent a lot of time counting the minutes till I could get him home. I'm starting to really think of it as a new relationship now. The idea is "would I let a new boyfriend do x?" If no, then that's a boundary for me. In many ways I am a single woman right now. The old marriage is definitely over. If I want to build a stronger one, then I have to behave like I'm in the process of making it by being my best self and not expecting more of him than where he is. Being my best self means showing self-respect and confidence in the treatment I receive as well as the treatment I dish out.

This is definitely tricky with kids & family involved. But it's also kind of exciting -- I get to look forward to all those "firsts" again. If I'm really lucky I'll get a do-over with my H, this time without the crash-and-burn. That's a wonderful possibility.

MamaB recommended reading over the posts of pearl harbor about detaching & boundaries. I found them enormously helpful. Basically she took her SO's name off all her expectations of a future relationship and found ways to do the things she cared about.

You've gotten great advice from others here. I'm not sure how good mine is but I'm cheering for you. Best of luck and enjoy your weekend!