just checkin in. I have a notion i am waaay more "detached" than ever before. (i'm not over it and movin on tho) i'm still pretty much on the fence - as usual- but i'm not miserable and in pain . (i do get angry sometimes) the last three or five years have been soooo bad. i'd say last two years have been teh worst of my life. throw into the mix his dad & aunt and my mom all sick and dying- and it's been really something. maybe i've just run out of steam and caring.
i'm feeling pretty darn oddly about it all. H came up to nj- did some fixits atround house and yard, was perfectly pleasant - we went on a drive for about five days , just looking around VA and PA - very pretty countryside. It was nice.
So , then he leaves other day. i'm pretty contented and working like mad arund the house. inspired to dive into cleaning workroom from hell -
I find myself thinking about weekend coming up. i have a couple little plans and options i guess. h will probably be going to visit his ow - or she'll come to town & see him. I don't like it. i'm not bleeding like i used to - i'm not so mad my hand shake (anymore) - but i'm not totally neutral about it. i don't like it. that's all. i don't like thinking it (bad me, bad bad for allowing brain to go there). but it does, doesn't it? ya spend a lifetime with someone- and you wonder all the time what they're doing, etc. old habits die hard don't they?
it's been soooo many years- sharing a life- my mind roams over to what's up with him. i cannot see how this will end. it's sooo crazy- soo long and soo messed up- really. it's being in quick sand and managing to stay afloat, but the firm land is always beyond reach, and no matter how long ya go, nothign ever seems to be gained or accomplished.
today i think he can do this forever - and maybe is planning to. i find myself being painfully practical. I want to yell and scream and just walk out- because i'm that tired of this boring and stupid sitch. However- then i think (ever practical) that even company part of the time is better than abso-f'ing-lutely nothing at all - allllll the time. . noooo onne..... it's nice when there's someone around to cook for & eat with and have around the house. i used to want some alone time (in olden days) - now i am sick as heck of my quiet time. too much of a good thing. (dontja hate that???)
i wish i could snap my fingers and find a new companion/love man that appreciated me and my company. I probably couldn't bring myself to get "involved" - maybe i'll be all messed up. (hoping not) but ya never know- do you?
Anyway- glad to report i'm more chilled aboutt his crappola than ever before. still sleep poorly- do not hope he's having a nice time/life - i don't pursue, or talk about r , and mostly i can side-step conflict - i do say sarcastic things now or then, i'd like to say i'm perfect. not. i am doing better follwoing the mlc rules, but wonder more and more why the heck i'm even trying.
can't see the future. would like to tho. if i don't talk about "it" - i feel more even and don't go rehashing the bad old days. idk - it's soo wierd to incorporate something like this in one's life. i'm not saying i'm good at dealing with it- ow sitch - i don't fight about it- or maybe fight it . maybe i've got some resignation - good or bad? idk
now that i'm here- i've lost the thread entirely. i guess i'll go back to work and try and make it look significanlty better i[ tjere before i quit for day.
i don 't really know what the heck i was trying to say. i began thinking i was doing alot better dbing - maybe was approaching detachment - but then, maybe i'm just biding my time and waiting to see what the heck the universe delivers. oh well-
still coughing- still miss my mom & forget sometimes she's not over tehre. sure been a wacked out and exhausting years. i think i just can't get going. i'm just tired still- i thought all the hostility & trouble would end whem my mom died. my sisters are still all aro und making me nuts - but tho they have alot of advice, etc.- theyu are remarkabley unable to do anything or help with the estate stuff. sos huh???
oh well, who knows??? maybe i'll go out and dig around in garden and someone walking by will ask about a flower- and we'll discover we are soul-mates. HA! REDUCED TO THIS- fantasy land.
tra la- thank you and ddrive thru please.
xxo world. everyone cleared out to go do facebook - wah
Hello, my friend. I am sorry. I know how tough the loss of your mother is. It is a huge void.
You know, I always told you that sometimes not making a decision, is making one. And so, you have made the best one for you at this time. Doesnt make it right or wrong, just what you need.
And I think you will continue until you need to make a different one.
I worry, though, about what it is doing to your spirit. But again, only you know what your spirit can take.
I do think you may want to do something different in your life. Change is up a bit. Just one small thing. Maybe find something that fills you up a bit.
You will know when you cant continue any longer, Nero. You will. It will happen when the fear no longer outweighs the pain.
Until then, keep remembering how special you are and remember your worth. You matter, my friend. A great deal.
you're so nice to say im special. i called yesterday and said available to work - been dragging my feet - so that should be entertaining if she calls. she did pretty much last year this time- maybe all the regulars fizzle out and ta da, call the new guy.
been tied up with estate stuff and have had an odd urge to actually do some stuff around house and yard.
i keep thinking i'm enjoying my freedom while i have it- if i ever finally get my fill and blow dodge- i plan to be very poor and working nite and day. (nice plan - huh?)
anyway- going okay i guess. garden exploded other day from rain & sun- tons to do if i can get going.
too darn many things have changed in last dcouple years- big things- i think i'm still just in aftermat of "deer in headlights" mode- til every single shoe drops. (maybe?)
i dont' know what the heck is going on with me ( spirit wise) (i am dispirited a bit) - it's these darn giant life changes - BUT - NOT AS sad and dreary as a few years ago- so still making some sort of progress - however slow it seems... haven't walked lately- walkin buddy has lots going on and me too (neice here lately alot in evenings). it's okay - nice to have company and i'm glad to help out w/ projects, proof reading, etc. (pep talks- nag, advise)
thanks for the nice words - you're too kind. if ya need flowers- i've got a ton - and babies to share...
hi nero, been so long I couldn't remember my password to log on. I happened to check in and saw you there! I still feel the same as you do . I just can't verbalize it the way you do. I think it was your post to Busting. i will go look again. ive been keeping myself busy. like taking my classes, but come Oct, I will be expected to take my new certificate and get a job. I can do it of course. I will manage.I know I want someone to eventually be in my life. I want that future partner to fall from the sky...
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Nero, I can relate to what you’ve been feeling about being on the fence. I am not miserable and in pain either, but I still don’t know what I want to do next about my situation. It must be a lot harder when your H is still around some, still coming to fix things, still coming to visit you. And yet, he is not showing any desire to work on your M.
I wonder when the time comes when I will feel like cannot continue any longer, like uR says. You posted on my thread that I might be one of those who are stuck. You are so right about it. But, what do we do about it? I’m out of options, except for actually filing for D.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Nero I posted to you on my thread, but here is what I said:
I love the story of the teenager - Maya Van Wagenen who copied a 1950s etiquette book and stopped being bullied - niceness paid off!
Wish my xh would stop being nasty and also pay a few bills. Could he STILL be feeling guilty? And I honestly do not know how to meet men - I think there has been a war on and all the men my age have disappeared. Like you, not sure I would trust anyone again.
My mother also died in the midst of all this. A really terrible few years - Life is looking up again, most of the time, but sometimes I still get a down day. And staying up is an effort, life no longer flows like it used to. I think I had a very easy life until MLC struck.
I had a good day, and got my grass mostly cut. I have been away and the grass grows fast this time of year.
It is hard adjusting to life without your parent. Grief takes a lot of the joy out of life, and I suspect you are still grieving more than you allow yourself.
yeah, me too. your reply gave me a big ole mental image - - - I'm picturing you and i running out of our Iowa farm house- like auntie emm in Wizard of Oz - black sky - and we are holding the ends our our red checked aprons - (we have either braids or buns btw and lace up oxford shoes with a short heel) ) and we're running around the farm yard trying to catch (what else) our perfect man. or - a very acceptable man. who may plummet to earth any moment. are ya seeing us? chickens running 3eveyrwhere - tornado coming?
ya ever feel like you're "better" alot- but you';re j ust kind of "goin thru the motions" alot.??? i wonder alot if all of this is more my little "dream" life that is shattered - and i'm clinging to or mourning the loss of that particular rosey picture in my mnind of my "future".]
yeah, yeah, i do know what everyone says about that and that it may never come. God knows, i've watched enough people crumbling and dying before my eyes this past year or two - but hey- you do still think in terms of being alive tomorrow - donja?
oh well- nice to hear your littel voice - yay for certificate and job in fall- you are really moving on. if i could only figure out if i'm fortunate or being abused. and if getting a fulltime job really is me deciding to throw this guy out of my life for good? or not really-
I know what you mean bright - but didja see ur's reply that even deciding not to do anything - is a decision of a sort? i liked that- made me feel like perhaps , just perhaps , i decided something for the time being. perhaps you too.
i have to say tho- that if i'm honest - the whole dbing thing is nothing more (i think sometimes) than us deciding to just wait and see - and so, stuck or whatever you want to call it- we're doing what the heck mwd says we should.
gal- wait and see - have patience - don't run away- don't kick him out- remain open to all possibilities, etc.
i'm losing patience and faith and hope and sometimes - the notion that i have any shame at all. and that i am truly some kind of door mat (and promoting it). but on the other hand- here i am- doing what i oughta - rite?
it's a contradictory kind of thing. i'm tired of hearing myself talk and think about it. i shove it to back of mind and go about my life - then i wonder if i'm selling myself and my life short. but thenm i think- when something wonderful plops down in your face - and you have to decide whether to go forward with someone new or sit and wait- THAT is gonna be the point when we man up or not. ya know what i mean. it comes back to the fact that I have nothing better to be doing - honestly
i keep+thinking of my girlfriend who was sooo nuts over her husband's on line sexting - she was seeing a psychiatrist who told her- in all honestly- she'd been divorced three times - and that she should "think long and hard before leaving her familiar guy and home if she had nothing in particular going on to run to".
it does make sense - i am a plodder - i don't do things fast or like change toom uch - sooooooooo
wtf???? glad i'm in good company. we are, after all- doing it rite? so, we're still alive and cookin despite the fact of being somewhat "stuck". oh well-
xxoo good luck - one of these days i'm hoping for total clarity (and wisdom) too- patience and then more patience-
xxoo you're doing good if ya ask me. (if we're not crazy or dead - i say it's goin good). do i ask for much????
