Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

[mdu]

Thanks zew!

[mdu]

Firming up weekend GAL plans as I know that is my best strategy for helping me feel better and get through another kid free weekend...and will help me become stronger in general:

*tonight - S's bday party. I will be happy, upbeat, open to H if he approaches me but doing my own thing and focusing on kids/S!
*tomorrow morning - running then kids tball/baseball. Again, I will be happy/upbeat, open to H but doing my own thing and focusing on the kids.
*tomorrow afternoon - meeting Mom for lunch and then visiting Dad
*tomorrow late afternoon - clothes shopping for myself
*tomrrow evening - out dinner and dancing with friends. NO talk about H!
*Sunday morning - running then meeting a friend to go to a foot spa.
*Sunday afternoon/evening - errands and a friend is coming over to help me empty/clean the hot tub.

I'm doing decent week to week coming up with GAL plans but feel like I need some more longer terms ones. Will think on that as well this weekend.

[mdu]

Trying to think of techniques to help me detach from H as party time is quickly approaching and he will be here. I know people have said that pretending he is a neighbor helps. I think I'm going to try some imagery too. Imagine that he's encases in some sort of foggy screen or something....so here's there but NOT. Or maybe imagine him as a clown in giant clown shoes, so I can't help but look at him and smile/giggle a little. Maybe a clown with giant shoes in a foggy mist? Lol! No clue if these will help but I'm going to give it a whirl! I'll report back.

[mdu]

And above all else...FOCUS ON THE KIDS, FOCUS ON THE KIDS, FOCUS ON THE KIDS!!!

I will survive this evening. Feelings can't kill me, no matter how awful

[Devaste]

Good luck MDU, I have full confidence you will survive! Use your inner strength, focus on the kids, and remember.....you've got this in the bag. You control yourself and only you! Whatever your H does won't matter, and keep up your PMA. Good luck!

[mdu]

Thanks so much Dev! Things r so confusing already. H came right up to me with tears in his eyes & gave me a big warm hug. I let him for a few seconds & then pulled away & said "I can't, its too confusing". Then quickly ahifted to idle chitchat. With all my mental prep I was NOT prepared for THAT! Ugh, son confusing!

[MrBond]

"I let him for a few seconds & then pulled away & said "I can't, its too confusing"."

Didn't you say that this was how you acted before in the past? If you want him to see your changes, you have to actually BE the change.

[figgeroni]

right on MrBond

[Train]

I "third" MrBond.

mdu, I honestly don't mean to sound snarky, but I have noticed several times that you have asked for opinions and then make your move seemingly before waiting on anyone to respond. And then, after folks have spent time giving you some ideas, you say "too late."

Please know we all feel your pain in very real, tangible ways. We see your sitch from 32,000 feet up. And it really isn't too much different than the ones we have been in. We have all gone through something similar, which has landed us here.

All that being said, to say something to your H (during an embrace you're allowing to happen) like, "I can't, it's too confusing," comes across as weak and indecisive. There's another, more fitting adjective I'm looking for but can't put my finger on it right now.

More actions, fewer words. That's where you want to be.

I understand not being ready for the "little surprises" when we haven't prepared for them. But I think a better way for you to handle that, if it happens again, is to keep the hug short and sweet, pull away and - with a smile on your face and a pep in your step - go about tending to your business. Remember: you're a busy woman who isn't sitting around, confused and pining for your H.

I have felt so many similarities in our personalities as I've read your posts. I remember very clearly (and you could find it in my old thread) when I asked whether I should be "softer" because I was sure H thought I was too controlling and "dominant" during our relationship.

I was advised to continue acting confident and assured. To keep laying down boundaries as needed but to keep H's way home paved nice and smooth. Be the woman he fell in love with.

I am glad I listened to that advice. H has said - in maybe not so many words - that my confidence, conviction and decisiveness attracted him back home.

I think there's a good chance you will be reconciling with your H, but you have to play your cards right. And I know you have it in you to do it.

[mdu]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I was so, so caught off guard. And I am continually so, so confused by H's behavior. He keeps reaching toward me but yet is not willing to invest in completely reconciling. I don't know how to take this. I keep thinking OW is still in the picture and he's bouncing between the two of us. Just when I think I'm prepared another curve ball comes my way that I did not at all anticipate.