Marching forward with deal breakers in hand

[mdu]

So H wants to let S go to the neighborhood nerf gun battle and H hangs out at the house, he said he would hang out outside and do some more yard work. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I don't want S to miss out but I feel like I'm making this too easy on H if I agree. Losing the neighborhood is a BIG deal for the kids in this whole thing if we end up D because we will have to sell the house. Lots of thinking between now and this evening...

[mdu]

Really just journaling now and trying to work my thoughts and feelings through...

I feel so caught between a rock and a hard place. I'm really unsure how to handle this nerf gun battle thing. I don't know if this is a boundary but I so do not want my kids to suffer and I suppose I'm willing to put up with quite a lot to avoid that. In the long run, if H and I were to D I would like us to be flexible for these sort of things. I am so confused. Hoping I will come to some resolution within myself.

[Starsky309]

I don't understand what the issue is. How would allowing him to go enable any sort of bad behavior on your husband's part?

Usually, we advise to do what's best for the kids. Sometimes that's tough, like when a betrayed spouse asks "Should I offer to take the kids for the weekend, even though it's not my weekend and I know my husband is going to be with OW?" or some such. But in the nerf gun thing case, I'm failing to see what the harm would be if you just allowed your husband to supervise your son so he could go?



Starsky

[mdu]

I'm totally fine with H taking S. What I'm not so fine with is H wants 1). me to coordinate it since the Mom reached out to me and 2). to hang at the house while S is there. To me it feels like H is wanting to use me/the house to make this situation easier for himself. It kind of feels like he wants to pretend like we are not separated for this event. Why shouldn't he be made to handle it like a separated couple - he coordinates with the Mom himself and figures out where he will spend his time while S is there?

[Starsky309]

It's your son's birthday weekend. I'd err on the side of doing what will make him the happiest. There are plenty of other places and issues where you can draw harder boundaries with your husband, in my opinion.


Starsky

[mdu]

Thanks for your thoughts Starsky. I really appreciate and need someone helping me balance my point of view right now. I am feeling very angry with H at the moment and that is definitely swaying my thinking.

[Starsky309]

I had a very simple piece of advice I was given when I was going thru my sitch, mdu, and I've dispensed it out to others dozens of times since. Maybe it will help you:


In every situation, do what God Himself would have you do if He were standing right in front of you. Learn to stop operating from the (co-dependent, enmeshed) attitude of "If I do 'X', what will my spouse think? How will his/her anger make ME feel?" and instead learn to operate from this "What is The Right Thing To Do" mindset.

Very simple, but also very powerful -- and even liberating, for natural "pleaser" types like me!


Starsky

[mdu]

Thanks Starsky, this is very helpful indeed!

[mdu]

So I'm getting the sense that I really need to pull back from H not just for him but for me. It's going to be tough because we will be with each other a lot this weekend. We have S's party tonight at the house and kids games tomorrow. I plan to be positive and upbeat (as I should, it's my kids party!!!) and will certainly make myself open to chitchat with H but I am determined NOT to pursue it myself. I will post here to keep myself honest. T minus 5 hours til S's party. I need to get my head in the right place between now and then! Here are some positive thoughts to (hopefully) get me there:

*Being happy is a choice...MY choice...I shouldn't allow anyone (not even H) to change that
*Being happy for my S on the day of his party and at the kids games is the right thing to do! Again, I need to get out of my OWN way and be happy for my kids and NOT let H affect that!!
*If I really need to cry or yell or throw things to 'get it out' there is plenty of time for that after the party/the rest of the weekend while the kids aren't around. But I shouldn't let those moments turn into a mood for the rest of the weekend. I can turn my feelings around if I choose to!
*Remember to do things that will make me happy if I need to get myself out of a funk: 1). call or txt a friend or my family 2). watch a funny movie (I need some titles) 3). work on myself (anger management) 4). go for a run 5). do a project around the house
*Remember not to let my FEELINGS rule me. I can't let my feelings dictate my actions. I can change my feelings by taking POSITIVE actions. Like if I don't 'feel' like going for a run or cleaning the house I need to make myself anyway because these things will actually make me feel better afterwards.
*Do NOT turn to H for comfort. I have been coming up with excuses to reach out to him when I am feeling anxious/badly. I need to give it a rest and find other ways to soothe myself.
*I really, really need to work on being comfortable on my own. Otherwise I think fear will rule me and my interactions with H.

I need to flesh out some more details but that's a start.

[zew]

So I'm getting the sense that I really need to pull back from H not just for him but for me.

And that, mdu, is the entire essence of DB right there. Excellent. Excellent.