I'm Just About Ready For The Fork

[AJM]

Crossing fingers, toes, eyes....

Keep putting in those applications and asking around Tad. Better to say no to some if it comes to that.

Keep going with the changes. Really liking the differences...
Oh, and happy to see you re-visiting the past emotions. I think that's a good thing, Tad...

AJ

[tadpole1025]

Thanks AJ. I put a few more applications out there again today. Still nothing though.

I'm getting really antsy.

I was hoping to hear something set in stone by now. I've had a couple of mini phone interviews, but nothing solid yet.

REEEAALLLLYY NEED TO GET SOMETHING SOON.

Getting impatient and discouraged.

Tad

[Wonka]

Ever think about local High Schools who could use a radio man to provide a play-by-play account of games?

Or consider working for a nonprofit organization in your area. Many nonprofits could use a good worker. Check out Opportunity Knocks through Google.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Wonka. I will check out Opportunity Knocks. As for the high schools, that isn't a bad idea except that there is only one week of school left. Some of them have the students doing it too.

I had a good day today until I posted graduation congrats on my niece's FB page. (XW's sister's daughter.) I commented on her status and then so did my former MIL. I didn't even know she had a page. It wasn't what she said, but her profile pic. There she was in a picture with XW on XW's wedding day in her wedding dress. Ug.............Not what I needed to see.

I know that we are not supposed to post links on here, but if any of you are friends with me on the ALT and would like to just get a taste of what I used to do and the shennanigans that I used to get myself into on the air, check out my page. There is a little one-minute video on there that I came across earlier. It's kind of funny.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

Forgive me. I really just need to journal.

S23 works overnight at a local grocery store here. He got me hired onto the cleaning crew. It is only about 20 hours a week and not my job of choice, but it is something for now. It'll give me a little cash and hopefully keep my mind of off things. I start tomorrow.

I've had a pretty emotional two or three days. Not sure why. The anxiety about my rats seems to be getting bad again. Knowing that they are the only two left out of a litter of 14 has been playing on my mind a lot. I'm sure you think I'm foolish because they are just rats, but they are part of my family and I love them. I feel a little embarrassed just sitting here writing about them. I have been very lucky though. Rats have very short lives and are really prone to respiratory disease and tumors. My girls, even though they are old, are still pretty healthy. I've taken really good care of them, give them plenty of attention and make sure that they eat very well. It still plays on my mind though. I worry about it a lot. It is almost like a foreboding feeling. I've been on the verge of tears off and on since yesterday.

I've never handled death very well. (Not that anyone does.) Mom was rough and my little brother was rough, but when I was 33, my grandmother died and it was really rough. My mom wanted to get some counseling for me then, but I never went and eventually I got better and actually found God. I was never really taught about death or God growing up. I think it was extra hard because it was the first time that I had lost anybody really close. Maybe that is why I'm having a hard time with the MLC thing and XW. She was my first true love and it was also the only time I've ever been dumped. I don't know.....just thinking out loud. My grandmother used to tell me all the time that I was too sentimental. Maybe she was right.

I still have pain over all that has happened. I'm sometimes surprised by the amount of pain that I do have. I wish it would just go away and sometimes wonder if it ever will. The pain itself isn't as bad as it once was, but the dips like I'm having now are still pretty bad.

When my brother killed himself at the end of 2008, I was really upset with him. I was mad at him for a very long time. Right after it happened a friend of mine who had contemplated it before told me:

"Don't be mad at him. You don't know the pain he was feeling. You can't understand how low he was unless you've been that low yourself. Nobody can."

I now understand what my friend was trying to say. I'm not saying that I would do that, but I think I can now understand how someone could be that low because I've been there. I'm not at that point now, but I have been off and on. It was mostly at the beginning of this mess.

For the past couple of weeks, I have actually been forcing myself to post atleast one thing on FB everyday. I've been doing it because I think I need it and because I got an email a few weeks ago from a former listener of mine who had heard that I had actually died a few years back. Wow. I guess that just goes to show how much I really did isolate myself.

Yesterday, I posted a video of me on the radio on my FB page. It was just an old video that I found and decided to post it because I thought that it was funny and because a lot of my FB friends are former listeners.

Today, S21 says to me:

Him: "Didn't you post an old video from a few years back on your FB yesterday?"

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "Mother posted an old video on her page today."

Me: "Huh?"

Him: "Yeah, pretty big coincidence huh?"

WTF? Is it a coincidence? If not, what is the deal with that? Would she do something like that because I did? How would she even know? She has blocked me and we are both invisible to each other on FB. She can't see what I do and I can't see what she does.

I'm sorry. I really needed to vent again. I post things here because I don't want to burden my sons.

It is 4:45 AM. I've got a throbbing headache and I need to try to sleep.

Tad

[BklynMom]

Hang in there!

Go to meetings

[tadpole1025]

Hanging in there......or atleast trying.

Venting:

Really Venting:

I'd like some input if there is any out there. I'd really just like to know why. I'll try to explain without confusing anyone.

I'm so p!ssed right now that I can hardly see straight. I'm not only p!ssed, but also pretty confused and maybe even a little hurt.

When I got the bomb and everything was going on, XW told me on more than one occassion that if I ever had any contact with her family, she would have someone "mess me up." Once, she even told me that she would fly her brother in from California to kick my a$$ if I ever had contact with her family. Not the woman I married, but.....we know that.

Last week, my niece (XW's sister's daughter) who I was pretty close to because I had no daughters and always kind of wanted one, graduated from high school. XW did not go, but went to her graduation party. I was not invited. No biggie. I expected it.

Tonight, my nephew (my dead brother's son and my blood) graduated from high school. I didn't get an invite to the graduation which was fine because I know that tickets to those events are usually pretty limited. However, he had a graduation party afterwards. I did not get an invitation....ok. That's fine. We really weren't too close because they lived a fair distance away and XW never liked my SIL or her family. However we did get fairly close (or so I thought) recently when my mom was sick and dying.

Tonight, I found out that XW was at his party!!! WTF??? My XW didn't even socialize with them when we were married. She sees and talks to them more now that we are divorced. What is the deal? I found out about it because S23 saw pictures on XW's FB page and was pretty upset about it. He told me. My nephew and XW weren't close and rarely talked. S23 and my nephew were close and talked all of the time.

XW never talks to me or asks anyone about me which is understandable since she thinks I'm Satan, but why can't she keep her nose out of my family....especially people she rarely talked to when we were married? Is this normal? Is she really that messed up?

S23 told me tonight that he rarely even talks to her anymore. She doesn't initiate any contact with any of the boys, but she can go to my nephew's graduation party and post pictures all over FB? As I said, when we were married, we rarely saw them...

Also, her new husband did not go to this party. (S23 says they rarely do anything together) I know....weird. But, she had to drive by my place 2 times today to get to the party - once to get there, and once to drive back to her place. Her husband was not with her. It would have been easy for her to stop by and atleast say hello to our boys. She made no attempt to stop and talk to our boys and didn't even call them to tell them that she would be in the neighborhood. Nothing.

She has more contact with members of my family, MY FAMILY, than she does with our boys? Is this normal whacky MLC crap or what?

I don't know if I'm more p!ssed at her or more p!ssed at SIL. My mom would have a fit.

I just don't get it.

And people wonder why I'm done.

SO DONE with everything.

Tad

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, Just to say it's par for the course! Some of these MLCers are really messed up big time. My XW didn't know my Auntie that well but she kept on visiting her up until she (Auntie) died.

But the good thing about it was, I got all the info off my MUM!
My XW just kept running me down.

I truly believe that there are many many messed up people in this world.


Love

Delboy

[exquisitetobe]

I don' t understand their way of thinking but my XH did similar. In his mind, he left ME. Nobody else but me. Our kids, living here with me weren' t left behind, just ME.. And yes, he wants us to be best of friends even after threatening me and intimidating me !! Everytime he loses control of his anger, he cries and works his way of thinking to beleive i deserved his treatment..
Son15 has moved in with him and OW last fall. XH had a business trip and asked my sister to look after my son for a week.. Shouldn' t i known about this ? Do i have a say?I to was upset at XH and also my sister. I do understand that she did it for son but i felt like they came through for XH.

My son' s choice re-opened doors for arguements and spew from XH to the point that son stood up for me last week-end and will now be moving back home after the school year. ( mid june ).

On another hand, i am doing the opposite with my brother' s separation.. He is also in MLC and has left his wife of 29 yrs for OW. he is now at OW3. I kept contact with Xsil. We are friend on fb and we call eachother frequently. We help eachother through this. Am i hurting my brother? He never said a thing nor asked if we still kept intouch but i am sure he knows. Our brother-sister relationship is still very close but his OW i respect but i keep my distance.
So, 2 sides of the medal on my part..

[tadpole1025]

Thanks Exquisitetobe and Delboy. It really is amazing how weird and messed up these people or "aliens" become.

It is 7AM here in Phoenix and I haven't slept a wink. A lot is on my mind after last night's events. I'll explain below, but first a quick update on me. I still haven't heard from my friend in Chicago about the job opening but....I had an interview two days ago for another job in my field that I'm really hopeful about. My interviewer told me that I was the front runner and will probably get me in for another interview this coming week. It would be just what I need to get out of my slump. It pays fairly well and I would have three days off a week and maybe even a little money so I could have atleast a small social life. Please think good thoughts. It would help tremendously.

Other stuff:

A couple of days ago, S27 got me by myself and told me that he is finally starting to believe that something really is mentally wrong with XW. Says he finds it "tragic" that a mental or medical condition could ruin such a good marriage. Yes, the boys KNOW we had a good one. I think they all are starting to realize a few truths.

He also told me that as of the last time he was out at her house (since remarrying) she still has evey love letter that we wrote to each other and still even has a very nice picture of me (The Devil) that was taken for the yearbook of my senior year in high school. That was the year we started dating.

The main reason why I am writing though is about what happened last night between S23 and XW. I'm still not sure I even believe it. She is now being mean to the boys....really mean and nasty.

I could tell that something was wrong with S23 last night and I asked him about it. He told me that he had been arguing with XW. Apparently, she sent a text telling him goodnight. He told her goodnight and that SOMEHOW turned into a two-hour text argument. He shared a few highlights with me:

* She accused him and the others of not wanting to be in her life because they won't meet her new husband and never visit her.

* She told him that "you know where I live" and could come and visit her. 1.) He doesn't have a car. 2.) He DOESN'T know where she lives because he has NEVER been there. I don't even think he knows her address.

* When S23 asked why she went to my nephews graduation, she said: "Because I'm blood motherf*cker. Yeah, she called her own son that. And....she isn't his blood. It is my brother's kid.

* She said it was "bullsh!t" that they only talk on FB.

* She somehow, for some reason started talking about my brother and how he cheated on his wife. She was talking about my deceased brother. Yes, he did cheat on his wife years ago, but what does that have to do with ANYTHING? S23 reminded her that she cheated on me.

* She also said that he was "living in a sh!thole with your father." S23 told her that she put us in this "sh!thole."

* She accused him of lying to her about having to work to get out of visiting her.

The thing that really got me though was the way that he said she ended the conversation:

Are you ready?

"I'm done being the first one to say goodnight motherf*cker."

What the Hell?

Why is she now being mean to them? Why?

What is the point and how could she say that to her own kid?

Is she that miserable or just that damn mean?

I really do believe that she is THE QUEEN OF MEAN.

How can she get on FB and tell everyone how wonderful her life is and still be so mean and nasty to her kids? And how could she be so angry and what is she still so angry about?

Does this or will this EVER end?

I'm sure there was a lot more, but he only shared a few of the highlights. I just listened with my mouth hanging open. Couldn't believe it.

I would really like to hear what some of the vets have to say about this. I don't think I ever remember reading anything this awful and mean on this board about an MLCer's kids. Sure, our kids are nearly all grown, but they are still our kids.

Tad