One of W's comments at BD was that she felt she was "Driving the boat", or basically, leading in the M. Mr Bonds response to this:
"Yes she's been running the M, but most importantly she wanted you to take charge. Of the household, of the bedroom all of it."
This is what I've been attempting to do. Step up my game.
There was a lot more in those words, and in that response than just that, and I got the impression that Mr Bond was speaking with a WA mindset still. It was early in your posting here.
And I do agree with what he said, and even with the sample sentence above....
You made the statement the other day, about why it took this, for me to post to you. And in keeping with my rule of absolute truth, it was because I didn't feel as though you wanted to hear much of what I had to say.
You had your plan, and I wasn't going to mess it up, nor were you very open to hearing thoughts that did not mirror yours....
Now, I could be totally wrong about that. Just the feeling that I got....
As I was once told, this ISN'T a game, but it will feel like, and play like a game FY. There will be times when you feel that you are manipulating your situation, or doing things just for shock value.
The difference will be when you truly feel that way, or when you are just doing it for a reality check.
Understand this...
One of the things that MLCers have to face, is their rock bottom, before they have some semblance of wanting to climb back up. All of the exterior possessions, emotions, and feelings have to fail ( to a degree), in order for them to take charge and look inside for their answers. Some never make it through, and some do.
You don't know what their bottom is, because they don't know what it is either. You may never know what that bottom is. It is as simple as they need it to be, or as complicated as they need it to be, yet it affects the MLC greatly....
I agree that they all do it very differently, and on their own time plan. What Wonka experienced is different than what AmyC experienced, is different than what Mirage went through, Jack's wife, etc....
Yet they all hit their bottom, in their own time, in their own way...and they all seemed to experience that same thing through their own version of hitting bottom.....the loss of their partner became VERY real to them...
I know that you want to step up your game now, yet I see you trying to step up the game for the Marriage, and not just for you...
The old cliche, that you can't fix this for her is never more true. And I know how badly that you want to fix it for her....
With ZERO disrespect to Raine, or TVS here. What worked for them, MAY not work for you. Men in MLC react differently than Women in MLC do during reconnection. Men tend to come home with their tail between their legs (so to speak). Women tend to come home more violently, and pursue harder out of the gate.
Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned ??
Or one that knows what she wants, and goes after it....
Your Wife has never lost you, and has never had to fight for you. And I am NOT saying that you should just say " well then, that is what I need to do" either, cause it isn't.
That is where the "it plays like a game" part feels so wrong....
Jack's wife lost him, and she pursued hard...
Jack had moved in a different direction, and was looking forward to a life without her...
AmyC lost her husband, and she pursued hard...
He had moved on, and wasn't looking for her to want that...
You may very well be able to keep status quo for the rest of your life with her, and if you do ? Then you have to accept that it may never change from what it is now. It may never grow and be different.
And it may very well change for the better, we never know what our future holds.
As I said before, I just want you to be brutally honest with what you are seeing...
The route that you are taking is harder on YOU, because you have that front row seat to the show.
Your expectations are greater Your focus is greater
And so is your potential to try and manipulate your situation.....
Just remember that.
Do things because they are what YOU want to do...
Not because they are the things that you feel that the Marriage wants to do...
If this is your plan, then you need to have more patience than you have ever had before in your life, and then some more after that....
Try not to interchange your approach either...
Yes, you may have very well had a SSM, yet IF she is MLC, then SSM rules go completely the opposite direction from MLC...
The MLC has to be dealt with before the SSM can be dealt with....
You cannot solve this for her, for one, or the other, and definitely not both at the same time.....
I would assume that her sexual abuse is tied very strongly to the issues behind the MLC issues. And she will either choose to deal with them, or she won't. I would suspect that any nudging in any direction will be considered the same pressure from you.
It will still be YOUR answer, for HER problems. And she needs/wants to figure this out on her own....
I read a post about MLC when I first started reading here. And the last paragraph has stayed with me throughout my postings.....
"Your spouse may eventually come through the fog, or the tunnel that they are in. There will be no guarantee that the relationship will fail or succeed, although I can tell you this. Nothing will EVER be the same after that."
