Barrybran - New Thread

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW. I must admit, as well as I think I've handled myself up until last night, I missed having that second opinion. Last night aside, I think I've pretty much nailed everything. Last night however...

The conversation last night didn't go so well I feel. I stated several times that I want her as my wife as a 'matter of fact' thing rather than a pursuing/dependency thing. It's been a while since we've had such a conversation so I was well out of practice and it showed. When she told me she wanted to move on she said she wanted to know what happened (the affair) so she didn't make the same mistakes with "someone else". I told her I was not going to help her learn how to date someone else and that I want to date her myself. That sent the conversation down a negative path. She felt I was withholding information and controlling the situation accordingly. I didn't see it like that until she mentioned it. I feel that my side of the story is vital to reconciliation and I've been so focused on answering her questions and DBing that I've swept aside my concerns until she showed interest in reconciling, if ever. So now I've put myself in a catch-22 because if I share with her my side, I don't feel she's currently in a state to use it productively towards mending our relationship and possibly move onto that "someone else" and if I don't tell her my side, I'll be seen as manipulative and controlling.

I understand the part about moving on from the pain. I feel where I slipped up is that I'm still holding on to the notion that she isn't going anywhere yet she's emotionally distancing herself. She's removed information from Facebook and changed her name publicly yet things had been improving up until a couple of nights ago. I do feel she is testing me and when I first told her I was choosing to remain married to her and would live my life with her and the kids accordingly without expectation that she would do the same, that I was speaking from my core and basically said "this is what I'm doing". Last night, I feel it was a test, one I failed miserably, and I should have STFU.

The limbo definitely got to me last night because things have been improving and yet she doesn't appear to be going anywhere. I'm not moving and I'm happy with that decision. If she comes to me to tell me she intends to date other people I feel it will become a point of tension as I wouldn't feel comfortable having her in my home and yet she's asked me to move out previously. Deep down, I feel she's trying to find her way home subconsciously while consciously keeping as far away from me as possible. I don't think she would handle having the kids half the time and I feel that she will try to resolve things if I can keep on my path.

Something interesting came up today. My two year old wet herself at daycare several times today. It's becoming a habit and one of the symptoms, my wife said after a Google search, was tension in the home. I kept my mouth shut. In my mind I felt like screaming at her to pull her head in. I have my own work to do so I don't get off lightly at all. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that someone is prepared to divide a family and adversely affect their kids' lives rather than working together to enrich them. I do understand that she doesn't believe I will change and this drives that feeling within her.

On the bright side, I have a better grip of what I need to do. I'm doing my own thing more, I've applied and enrolled in a university course, I'm leaving her alone while being available to her when she needs it. I do need to do some work on the availability however I've always been someone who has been available to people when they need or want me regardless of my relationship to them.

I have a weekend off this weekend so I've got some time without my wife around to do some more thinking and doing.