To me.. it appears as though he is game playing back to me as a mirror of yesterday. Punishment?? He does not NEED to be there working with X. The guy does not need him to hold his hand. This is stupid.
I realize he is doing this as I know how much work is involved when X is there & how much my Xbf does when he is there. I also realize that he does not like to chat too much to this guy as he yaps too much & doesn't get the work done. Xbf used to find other things to do when X came over for that very reason... So, coming down here to our location would be a perfect excuse ... why is he not working with me today?
Whatta goof!!
Im not going to let it bug me or show him... because that would just give him the satisfaction.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
To me.. it appears as though he is game playing back to me as a mirror of yesterday. Punishment?? He does not NEED to be there working with X. The guy does not need him to hold his hand. This is stupid. We NEED to be here, selling inventory!!!
Sure he is punishing you!!! He plays games every bit as much as you do. The two of you feed off each other. Tit for tat. Back & forth.
But I think.......at least I hope, that the work your long time posters have tried to do may be getting your eyes open just a little. You can stop this ping-pong action with xbf right now. You are getting your nose out of joint again, so do you know what to do to prevent this particular ping-pong game?
And btw, there is only one person who is keeping you there.......and it's not him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am not playing games!!! I was being authentic to my honest feelings last night. I am trying to have a stance!!!
I want to stop this ping-pong action RIGHT NOW!! NO... I do not know what to do to prevent it... please share?
I have no interest in fuelling it however... I will not ask him "why" he didn't come to work, or what happened or make ANY comment about it.
I will not chase this or hand over my power....
While writing this, he called... to see if I was still at work. I may have jumped the gun on my comments, but just a bit. I forgot that he did need X's help for 5 minutes. I may have been a bit hasty in my punishment comment. Its possible for both.
I'm not going to think about it anymore.
Sandi.... its me... and I need to know how not to keep myself here.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Did you read this earlier today? I think you tend to skim over some of the most important stuff and focus on certain words. You've got to read the entire posting because there are always valuable tidbits in the mix. You might want to re-read this posting again. This woman's posting may help you with your dropping the rope questions.
"I understood why people were telling me to drop the rope, I WANTED to drop the darn thing, I just had zero idea HOW to do it. And that was supremely frustrating.
At first, I pretended I had. I started using "STBXH" instead of "WH". I tried to fool myself. Then I started making decisions for me, without thinking of how he'd react. This was hard at first - it took me months to hire a contractor to finish the house because "what if he wants to come home and I've picked a color he doesn't like and then he'll be mad at me!" (seriously, I was initially paralyzed by that....now it just sounds pathetic) Making those decisions for me made feel more empowered, more in control of my life, and much less reliant on him. When he said something negative about the color I picked, I was able to say "I like it." and rather than be upset that he disapproved I was more irritated that he thought he had a say. The rope was allllllmost dropped.
For me, the final turning point was when I stopped having expectations. I stopped expecting him to react in X way if I did Y. I stopped doing things designed to get him to respond in Z way (temperature-checking). I stopped analyzing why he responded in certain ways. It doesn't matter. His brain is a black box (which sometimes I think is quite empty), and WHY he acts/reacts is his problem, not mine. I'm not going to change my actions to change his (except in coparenting - it's important to figure out a way to improve the coparenting relationship).
There's probably a few strands of the rope caught on my belt or on the sole of my shoe. It may take me a little while to root those out and sever them. But I'm no longer trying to/wishing to control him or his actions, and I'm not longer giving him the mental space in my head to control he or mine.
And no, he doesn't like it. He's tried harder to put me back in my place, trying to elicit reactions that he expects. The more I don't react in the way he thinks I would/should, the angrier he gets. That is his problem. I feel sorry for him that he has so much anger to carry, because it doesn't look like fun. But I feel no urge whatsoever to do anything about it beyond praying that he finds peace and happiness. I'd feel the same way about a coworker who acted like that. To me, that's the biggest sign that the rope is dropped."
I don't think you are playing games with us, at least not intentially. I didn't mean you aren't serious about this. I was talking about playing games with him. Not ha-ha funny stuff, but just like he's punishing you today for not going to the event last night. Don't you believe he knows how to get you back? He knows what will get your nose out of joint. He is punishing you......in his own game-playing style.
In the past, you would enter the game by trying to get even with him. So, if you are serious about dropping the rope, do NOT show any moodiness toward him over him being with X today. Not giving him a reaction is a great step for you, Magic. You may not be able to actually feel emotionally detached at the moment, but you can work on staying consistent with your behavior. Dropping the rope is when you stop caring if they have spent the work day with an X, or anything else he does. If you sull and don't talk for a few hours, or get angry and explode on him.......then you've reacted and it tells him that he got to you. If you don't care, then it doesn't matter.....and therefore you don't repay him tit for tat (behavior).
This one time won't stop his game playing once and for all. He will have to see you stay consistent. That will be your test.
I can't explain in one post everything to show you how to drop the rope. It will take breaking it down in smaller steps. But this one I have just described is a beginning.
Dropping the rope is not showing anger or coldness. It is not showing unhappiness over him. It is not punishing him, or getting revenge. All he sees is you responding to him (no better, no worse) as a business associate.
It is not encouraging any type of R. Not even good friends. It really doesn't matter to you (according to your actions). You keep things strictly professional. You no longer have an emotional rope tied around him. He has been set free.........and so have you!
It will be difficult b/c you have been so co-dependent, and b/c you work together. That is why you need to make whatever final steps on the financial partnership/business, so you will feel secure about leaving if you need to. Don't drag your feet.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes Job, I got that message & read it & was taking my time for it to sink in before commenting... its a very good read on dropping the rope. Thank you for reposting & making sure I read it!!! (TWICE)
Sandi !!!! WOW!!! step by step instructions... this is what I need!!
I am very serious about dropping the rope. Therefore I did not react to his decision to not come into work today. I merely stated "ok"... did you notice how he eventually called at the end of the work day... to check in?? I promised I would not ask ANYTHING about his choice to not come in... and I didn't. I did not show coldness or disappointment in his not coming in today. I did not punish or feel revengeful... I think I did good!! I really did not care, therefore I was OK & it really didnt matter !! Even earlier in the day when he brought up ""that agent" that I am jealous of & the sexual innuendo comments that he was trying to lead with... I did not indulge or react... (proud of myself). I am learning the "art" of non-reaction.
Ok... so this was one event... apparently this will need to happen again & I will need to show/be consistent.... THIS IS MY TEST, consistency!!! I can imagine it will be tough & will need to be hand held through it. This is just the beginning.
I will NOT encourage any type of R... not even friends... that will be his job, if he wants one with me!! In fact, I will go the other direction....willingly. (or try to)
Yes, it will be difficult ... I know this about myself. I will finish up my financial responsibility, so I will be secure. I will call that lawyer tomorrow.
Thanks again Job & Sandi.....please hold my hand?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Mmmm some of that dynamic, takes me back to ic talking of punishment and games.
Hence the text war! I text he punishes by not answering then saying I was badly behaved and didn't deserve to be answered. I am trying to detch and drop the rope too!
So it looks like I'm going to be here a while with you mm.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm proud of you! B/c it is hard to not display a negative reaction, especially when that has been your instinctive behavior throughout the years. To maintain a level of professionalism will be a challenge. And yesterday is just an example of how tough he will make things.
There will be many times during working hours when you may have to go into the restroom or lock your office in order to get control over your emotions. Until you reach that level where his actions really does not phase you, you will need to take a few private minutes to get a grip......and prepare to show an outward consistent Magic......even if the inside Magic doesn't "feel" it. B/c it will take time for the inside to catch up with what you are showing outwardly.
Look at it this way, when we women get upset and have a little cry at work, we usually go to the restroom (or wherever) to refresh our makeup. We don't want anyone seeing our face with smeared cosmetics everywhere. So, even though our emotions are wanting to seep through, we get control and fix our makeup and get back out there. We want people to see us at work looking professional, dressed, hair, & makeup. We want to look like we have it all together. Total package.
So take little breaks, even leave the office for a little bit. You will be tested! This will not be easy, Magic. It does require one thing........your determination. You have to learn to act on your "will" and not out of your "emotions".
You CAN do this, Magic!!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, I CAN do this, Sandi.... I MUST & therefore I WILL !!!
Hi Ggrass... the more the merrier... LOL.
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Busy work day today, ended up late in the day having to drive out of town with Xbf to go pick up one of our vehicles. This led to a casual convo while driving. HE started & I think I did well, shutting it down.
At first we were just chatting all about our recent sales & business investment opportunity, etc. He mentioned that real estate agent lady had called him earlier today to say his opportunity is still possible (I gave it no attention... I don't want to be jealous) Then he randomly started off with "I'm not sure what your plans are or if you want to go, but X (family member), is having their annual summer party in July and thought you might like to go"... or something to that effect. I notice that I do not pay total attention as he mumbles, so I missed then end of what he was actually saying. Also, I usually jump in well before he finishes with an answer. Instead of answering, I just said something trivial to the event and left it alone, I even changed the topic. Then we got on topic of him asking about my house options: if I am going to buy, where/when, & did I put real consideration into his friends house (private sale, with finished basement apt)? I stated that I still didn't know & am open to options as it might make for a good investment, especially when the basement apartment could bring 70% of what my mortgage would be... Or, do I want a nicer house that is finished the way I want & don't have to share with tenant? Then he texted later on his way back with an address for me to review for commercial investment.
HE is all over the map!!!
I am not understanding the "July" family thing.....other than I know his family likes me & I would like to see them.... but, he didn't need to invite me. Why ask me now?
Also, his parents are "socializing" again, even going away to another family member's place on the water next weekend. They have remained good friends over the years. No resentment. X-changed gifts at bday & Christmas. His dad just 3 weeks ago broke up with his long term relationship. I know his mom has been "waiting" for 20 years for this opportunity again. I have seen her being too eager to please him. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THAT!!! He says he doesn't want to be like his parents.
^^^^^ This is common within his family....for X's to be "friends". Eventually, that may be fine for me... but, not YET!! I want more than "friends".
I sure hope this is not another of his baits to have me "hooked" till July!! GEEZ!!!
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Tomorrow seems to be lining up for a busy day at work. We need to sell, sell, sell. Tomorrow evening I have plans with my friends husband to go see another friends band play (out of town). My friend is completely OK with this... they are separating & she is wanting him out of her hair & not lonely... so that she can have breathing space.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
