Left Behind Newlywed

[Pluto]

When we moved in together, we purchased our house - so that's the main thing we'd need to separate. Along with that, of course, are all the furnishings and 'stuff' we accumulated over the past 5 years living together.

Then there's the messy business about the pets, vehicles, and wedding/engagement rings.

Otherwise, I want a separation agreement to protect myself against both her coming into the house after she moves out without my permission/being here, and also to avoid being liable for any debts she incurs - I know she's been spending money lately and she's never been very good about managing finances. So I'd rather she/creditors don't come after me for money when she's maxed out her credit cards and can't pay off the bills.

[labug]

Then that's a good reason to see an atty.

If you took all the stuff you've accumulated, minus vehicles, what would you get for it if you tried to sell it? Think about whether it's worth paying an atty to divide up.

Good luck.

[Pluto]

Agreed, LA. I've reached out to a few lawyers to consult with and figure out which one I'd like to retain.

I'm going to go through with a separation agreement - both to protect myself, and to show her I'm moving on without her. It's really the last card I have to play.

I've also gone through the house and took down all the wedding photos (and any others of us together). I'm sick of the reminders right now.

[Pluto]

So WAW returned last night... acting all cheerful in saying hello to me. Then she hangs around and starts asking how my weekend was (she was gone for a week), and I simply told her it was fine. Then she acted surprised that I was being short with her. She then asked if the dog was good, and I simply told her her yes.

THEN she asks if I'm not talking to her now. I told her that she didn't care to talk to me for the past week, so why did she suddenly care how the dog or I were? (Maybe not the best response) - and she told me that she was on vacation as if that prevented her from texting or calling if she wanted to (she was staying at a hotel nearby with OM, mind you...)

I just told her I didn't have much to say. She hung around a bit longer trying to make small talk, and I just kept my responses short and simply. Finally, she gave up and said "well, since you don't want to talk I guess I'll go upstairs and unpack."

So I simply said okay, and continued with what I was doing.

I heard her struggling to carry her luggage upstairs - and didn't bother to offer helping her (a 180 for me).

She eventually went to bed before me (a 180 for HER) and we didn't speak again last night.

Sandi, I'm guessing she's trying to eat cake here?

[labug]

I'm going to go through with a separation agreement - both to protect myself, and to show her I'm moving on without her. It's really the last card I have to play.

Scrreeeeech!! Brake, brake!

Something as serious as a SA shouldn't be a tactic to control someone.

Do it because it's the best thing to protect you right now. H

Have no expectation that it will manipulate her into coming back.

Only move on if you're truly moving on.

[Pluto]

Don't get me wrong - I'm not using it as a tactic.

She's told me she intends to move out soon, that she doesn't want to work on our relationship, and we barely talk despite still living together.

I'm doing the SA because once she moves out, I don't want her trying to come back - either to clean out the house while I'm not home, or to move back in if/when she realizes she can't afford to live on her own. If I could get some sort of an order barring her access to the house entirely, I could/would do that instead of a full blown SA.

Otherwise, I don't see what choices I have left without going down the path of an SA, in that I've tried every DB tool and things have gotten progressively worse between us. I'm doing as close to last resort as I can with us under the same roof - and I don't see any changes in her behaviour/attitude towards me.

I'd love to find some way to buy more time to ride out the A, but right now I don't think it's possible with her in the same house (no sense of loss, cake eating), and I don't trust her right now not to do anything crazy like start removing things from the house to sell (I believe she's accrued some debt - another reason for an SA to protect myself from taking the fall on her outstanding bills).

[labug]

What you say above is very different from,

It's really the last card I have to play

Do you see the difference?

Did/do the 2 of you have a one-up R where one does something so the other raises the stakes with the next move?

I get why legally you want an SA. You have good reasons. It's not a card to play.

[Pluto]

What you say above is very different from,

It's really the last card I have to play

Do you see the difference?

I get why legally you want an SA. You have good reasons. It's not a card to play.

Sure, I can understand that. I really intended that I think I'm out of solution-oriented options and I don't know that I feel comfortable with her moving out, but retaining access to the house - given that she's become so unpredictable and un-like herself, I don't think I have enough trust that she wouldn't try to screw me over by taking stuff from the house or messing with my stuff while I'm not home.

Plus, I don't want her to think I'm still Plan B and that she can just move back if/when things get too tough 'out there' for her. If she wants back in, she's got to want back in to the R and M too - which is going to require some heavy lifting and commitment from both sides.

Did/do the 2 of you have a one-up R where one does something so the other raises the stakes with the next move?

We didn't while we were still together - we actually generally got a long real well, and didn't really devolve into the one-upsmanship trap. I realized a long time ago that most of the issues we had weren't the hill I wanted to die on, and tried my best to either not make a big deal of the petty things - or recognize when I was in the wrong and apologize.

Lately, I'm not sure. It seems like the more I try to prove I'm committed to the R by working on the legit pre-BD complaints she had about my behaviour and to give her the space to work through things on her own, she finds ways to pick fights or find faults with me. For a while, things would appear to be getting better, then something would 'snap' and she'd dig in her heels and pull away further. I still haven't quite figured out what caused this -- I certainly didn't start slipping back into old (bad) habits.

Thanks for the posts, La! While I still intend to speak with a lawyer about my rights and responsibilities... I'm not necessarily pushing for a full SA if I can get some legal protection and peace of mind in other ways - such as an order of exclusive possession. I'll make sure I have all the information before making a decision.

[labug]

Let her get mad, she can only push your buttons if you let her.

I don't want her to think I'm still Plan B and that she can just move back if/when things get too tough 'out there' for her.

You have no control over what she thinks of you. That's why tactics don't work and often backfire. You can do something that you think makes you look strong and she thinks you're an a-hole.

Again, let her get angry and think you're an a-hole as long as you're doing what's best for you and you're being honest and acting with dignity. It's these differences in your thinking that DBing is all about.

Doing things to teach someone a lesson is all about control.
The only person you control is you. Life will teach people lessons, that's not our job.

[Pluto]

I hear you, I think I've successfully slain the control demon. I am letting her make her own choices and clean up whatever messes come out of them. I don't have to like what she's doing, but I cannot stand in her way, either.

I had a rather long conversation with a friend last night who couldn't understand how I was dealing with all of this going on.

Here's some of what I had said - trying to channel my inner DB'er;

Hate won't do me much good. I resent what she's doing and how she's treated me, but that's not hate. And the thing to remember (for me) is that I resent her behaviour, not her as a person.

If anything, right now I feel sorry for her. Breaks my heart to see her self destructing like this, but that's her deal. I can't fix her.

That's not on me. I didn't break her, I can't fix her.

I realize that I cannot control her - nor do I want to. She needs to figure her stuff out on her own, and if she's willing to work on things, so am I - but until then, I need to look after me.