own buz 30: My self-value, dropping the rope.

[makingmagic]

Tx G'belle....I appreciate reading your story.

I too believe that he knows where I am... "if" he should want to be with me. I will not strike up R talk again.... I said my piece and now I am done talking. I agree it should be very clear & obvious and he said he would tell me with words.... so, why does he do all the stuff to keep me here? The gestures of dinner, beer, hanging out, etc...? This is what trips me up from my stance. It makes me feel like he is doing what he wants to get where he needs to be with me.... but, is it?

I think I understand that he wants to keep me convenient. But, I cannot remain convenient just to appease him. I see this again today. I have self-value, dammit. I want more than just "fun times" ... I want the fun too but with a goal of reconciliation. Where as he just wants to do the fun stuff & see what happens.

He said that he will "think" about it, but I don't put much weight on the fact that he actually is doing that. He recently had the excuse of location purchase to side track. Sure, I know he does think about it from time to time but is not ready to really commit to it. I don't understand that!!! How can you want the "fun" without accepting the work too. I think you need to choose that it is a decision you are prepared to do & do it. How long can a person be so wishy/washy? How long do I allow it? 3 days ago, I made a stance & am going to stick to it. My actions need to stand behind it. I wanted to know if my action of not going yesterday, shows that....does it?

Today, he brought up a sexual comment. I laughed but did not proceed like I usually do. I ended it there. Normally, I allow that type of convo as I am "hoping" to "hear"& "see" more. Today, I did something different. Ended it.

[makingmagic]

ok Sandi... I DO NOT see the point that Starsky was making & I really want to.

I can let it go, but prefer to understand his point so that I can see clearer.

Either you don't see the point being made or you want further explanation......which is okay, except while you are distracted, you may miss something else.

My response: BOTH !!!! ALL !!! I do not see the point being made ... somehow I completely missed his point when he said "MY REACTION" but didn't explain & then the next post was just copying your entire post to me, but then he didn't comment. It wasn't specific enough for me to get it.

So Sandi, when you try to clarify & state that you think he meant about going yesterday but for me to keep my mouth shut.... is that what he was trying to state? If so, I understand that he could say that but wondered why he would when he is usually quite strong on the side of having more self worth. So, wanted his clarification.

ALso... when you say "We were all saying the same thing about going to the event. We just used different words to say it" .... I don't see it that way... I see it as everyone gave me 2 options:

1) go ... but stfu (job, starsky, advina,
2) do not go... have self value (sandi, GM)

How can I see it as saying the same thing? The only thing I see that was the same was for "me" to "decide".

Looking forward to your reply.. I really want to understand and not just fluff it off..

[Starsky309]

I really want to understand and not just fluff it off..

I find that some things in life really SHOULD just be fluffed off.

Life is too short to dwell on banalities, MM. My comments really weren't that important, and to be honest I really don't even remember what I was trying to say. Certainly nothing earth-shattering one way or another. I think the duct tape one was just something snarky, and the Homer Simpson "face palm" link was me being exasperated that you just weren't getting it (again).

OK??


Starsky

[Georgiabelle]

MM,

I'm sorry. I don't think he is making gestures. I'm not there, however, going for a beer or dinner does not equal commitment...of ANY kind. It doesn't necessarily "mean" anything except he's going to eat moo goo gai pan and maybe you would like to tag along.

[makingmagic]

Starsky..... ok. But, know that I do value your opinion & was really trying to understand what you were suggesting I do & why. I like when you keep me in line of my self-respect/value.

G'belle .... ok, maybe not gestures of commitment ... but time spent with me and sexual tension/inuendo/suggestion/comments...etc. I know he enjoys this stuff.

Sandi?

[adinva]

I did not vote about attending the event. I was speaking in a broader sense. Whether you attended the event was irrelevant to your current sitch, imo.

[sandi2]

Today, I am still trying to understand how going would have helped me/circumstance.

That was never the point. Starsky was saying you could go.....as long as you didn't try to make it more than two business partners meeting up with some associates. But you couldn't, so stop worrying about it. Personally, I think you made the right choice. You were honest enough to recognize you would have been going just to spend time with him. You couldn't go as a business partner b/c you are too involved in the R that exist in your head. You aren't able to take the R hat off long enough to wear the business partner's hat. And face it, you can't trust your mouth....and you would have been analyzing his every move (and lack of words) to mean what you want them to mean. If you had gone, there's no telling how far back you would have been today. So yes. I think you made the right choice.

However, yesterdays struggle was about how to make a decision based on the position of dropping the rope.

Then why all the hashing out about whether it was a real date or not? And you are already wondering how to respond to him. These type of things are what make you appear to be playing mind games. And if you'd be 100% honest, you would agree......b/c it is how you operate with xbf.

I want to be giving him his time, but not waiting anymore. I wanted to know what response to give based on that. I want to do the things that reflect I am dropping the rope!

I don't think that's possible. You'll have to pick one from those three things.

In order to drop the rope you have to be emotionally detached to a point. Do you believe you are? And before you answer, review what detaching really is.

You can reflect dropping the rope......or that you are giving him his time to make up his mind (and we both know he won't do a thing like you've wanted him to do.). However, you can't do both of these together. Make sense? B/c if you reflect dropping the rope, your actions will pretty much tell him that he's out of time! No waiting around, pleading and trying to persuade him. You have moved forward. If you really want to remove all R pressure, then drop it.

I can accept my decision to stay home, if it reflects the action of dropping the rope.... is it?

I believe it can be a start in reflecting it. But Magic, your temptation will be in wanting to explain to him why you did not go. If......and I mean IF he asks straight out why you didn't go (and not your "translation of him trying to ask) you tell him you did not see anything profitable in going. Or say you weren't interested, but I mean, you did take up until time to leave before giving him an answer yesterday......(but I read the post, so need to clarify with me.). The hard part for you will be simply letting it alone. Don't try to watch to see his reaction, his mood, if he offers coffee...........nothing. Have no expectations b/c there is nothing to expect. I guarantee you that it was no big deal to him, and he certainly didn't fret about it when you didn't go.

I want my actions to show that I love you but I am letting go.... I am not a toy that you can pick up and play with when you want. If you change your mind, I will listen to you then. I am not waiting.

Well again, you can't do all of these things by "dropping the rope" . You can 't tell a WAS how you love him and if he'll change his mind you will listen. All of that is PRESSURE! And none of it comes under reflecting dropping the rope as you say you want to do. The part about not waiting and not being his toy.........THAT message can be reflected in dropping the rope. He won't get it immediately b/c he has always been able to outwait you before you caved again. So it will take time, but if you are serious, it won't matter.

[Georgiabelle]

Magic,

I'm with GM. I have many male friends and a good sense of humor. The innuendos mean nothing.

The reason I told you the story of my xbf is that after we broke up, we had lunch, dinner, and went to events together MANY times post break up. No kisses, no sex, only hugs after we broke up. Heck, I went to his house for Xmas post break up. We dated others. We were not dating. We genuinely enjoyed each other's company. It may sound strange, but it's not impossible. At no point after that were we in a R-we were simply good friends. And nothing was fuzzy about that.

You also work with xbf. Keep in mind that most would want to have a pleasant working relationship. Yes, you WERE in a R, however now you are business associates. It is not uncommon for business associates to grab lunch or a drink.

It just seems like you are clutching on for dear life. You can't move forward until you let go. You get such wonderful advice and I know you want xbf. He is NOT the only man on the planet. Focus on moving forward for your best self:-)

[sandi2]

. When did these all get added? I can't keep up.

[makingmagic]

Tx Sandi... I will think about what you are saying to try to understand before I start with my questions. I totally agree that he is always able to outwait me before I caved again. (See below)

G'belle & GM... I have friends that play sexual convo too. But, with Xbf its different, its with intention and showing his desires. Regardless, I shut it down.

GM ... can you expand on what you mean about getting my business stuff settled? how u think it would change things?? We made an agreement so, not sure what would be different if finalized? I WILL make moves regardless of R or not... to me its a done deal... Its at a lawyers office... although I do need to get back on top of this...(TOMORROW!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today on my way to work, I decided that I would text Xbf to see if he wanted coffee. His reply:

can't (minute later)
working with X (minute later)
pic of vehicle

I reply: ok

I am sitting here at work, figured out how to use my phone as a hotspot for internet (yay).

To me.. it appears as though he is game playing back to me as a mirror of yesterday. Punishment?? He does not NEED to be there working with X. The guy does not need him to hold his hand. This is stupid. We NEED to be here, selling inventory!!!

I need to be consistent.... and I think I did that last night & will keep doing it!