I wish you the best FY. Us standing H's are hard to find and everyone of us on these boards are good men who take our vows seriously and if all people took them as seriously as we do (and they should be) we wouldn't have the D rate or so many long, good marriages ending in so much pain for everyone involved. We have to remember that everyone we see here on these boards are the good ones. The ones who are trying, each in their own way too keep their vows. If only there were more of us out there!
You did in fact state that people who try to save their M are the "good ones". Implying that people who don't, or don't seem to, are not good.
When I first came here, I felt much like you do. That the promise should be honored come hell or high water.
And I held my X's feet to that fire...
And when he pushed back, I became more angry and bitter.
My core values haven't changed. I believe in working on relationships. I just have come to realize that MY way, isn't always the only option. It isn't always the best way for the people involved.
Do I think there are better ways to end a relationship as you suggested (ie, counseling, etc...)?
Yes.
However not everyone, my X included, feels that way. And that doesn't make me any more good than he is or isn't.
And I am not bitter or angry with him or at his actions anymore. Which in the end, makes for a much happier and kinder me.
Sometimes we have to look at things from all perspectives, not just the ones that fit with what we believe.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Hi Wonka, Making appointment today. The problem is money. I don't know how I can afford my own L as W is getting the funds for her's from her father and we just don't have ANY money for it. I'll find out at the appointment how much he will need for a retainer and I guess if I must, I can borrow the money from my parents. My dad has offered to pay for my D's school but doesn't have a lot of money. My FIL does have plenty of money and if it comes down to who can out spend to other he'll win for sure. I hate that my W is still saying that we can do this the cheap, easy way and doesn't want to understand that as soon as she had her dad pay for a L, that went out the window.
She wants to think I'm trying to drag it out or stop her from getting what she wants or worse, that I just want to hurt her for leaving. Believe me, none of that is true. For her part, she is fully into blaming me for every bad feeling she ever had over the last 25 years and still refuses to accept any part in our marriage troubles. She just doesn't feel the same, can't help that, it's either there or it's not. Scary to think that she really believes that you have no control over how you think or feel. Definitely a change from how she had always said she thought up until B-day but what is is. She will have to learn on her own that D isn't just a simple parting of the ways and everyone will win and all will be perfect once it happens.
Haven't seen much of her lately as she goes to see her father after work every day. He left to go out of town for the next couple days for his next chemo but will be back Friday night, early Saturday. I need to find another job either part time or leave my start up and get something full time. I hate to do that but I really have no choice.
On the positive side I am really seeing things as they are and not allowing myself to have hope that things will get better. I realize now that what my W says she is wanting to do, even about important things like how we handle the D, is subject to change on a daily (hourly) basis and I have to prepare for the worst. I also do understand that she is under a lot of stress with her father's sitch, her grandmother's going into the nursing home and her mothers not handling it well, along with our own sitch. She never handled stress well in the past and I don't think it's gotten any better now. I need to keep that in mind and just leave her be and let her handle things how she feels best.
I'm finally going to go out and get some GAL time in tonight. Going to a Karaoke bar with a meet up group that I've gone out with once before. They all were really nice people and I like meeting new people. I'm an awful singer but I'm sure that doesn't matter! I'm a bit worried about my youngest as she has been very angry at both me and my W lately but she's 14 and that is kinda normal anyway. Next up is me having to sign a wavier so the papers don't need to be served. Not sure how that works but my W asked me if I would be willing and I said yes but so far she hasn't given me anything to sign.
I am glad to see that you're making an appointment with L to see him. You can explain the sitch with L and instruct him not to respond to every little thing from W's side. Focus on the big picture and just have L simply write a letter to W that he's been selected to represent you as your L. The next step will be in W's court. She may or may not respond to L as she's got a ton of stuff on her plate.
You might want to ask him if he can take some payments instead of the retainer fee in one lump sum. It is critically important that you feel comfortable with your own lawyer. If you get a funny vibe after meeting with this L, then shop around for one that you are comfortable with.
I wanted to respond to your post separately so the focus is squarely on it. Off we go! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I hate that my W is still saying that we can do this the cheap, easy way and doesn't want to understand that as soon as she had her dad pay for a L, that went out the window.
That is W's belief system at the moment. Things will definitely change when the reality starts to hit her when she hears that you have a L representing you. She can think whatever she thinks about the process. It is typical thinking for a MLCer.
She wants to think I'm trying to drag it out or stop her from getting what she wants or worse, that I just want to hurt her for leaving. Believe me, none of that is true.
Will Robinson! You're mindreading here. No use in that, right?
For her part, she is fully into blaming me for every bad feeling she ever had over the last 25 years and still refuses to accept any part in our marriage troubles. She just doesn't feel the same, can't help that, it's either there or it's not.
What's new about that ^^? It is par for the course with the MLCer. Accept this and move on. You've been writing the same thing in nearly all of your posts. We KNOW this and get this. You're talking to the choir here, buddy.
I need to find another job either part time or leave my start up and get something full time. I hate to do that but I really have no choice.
Don't hold on to a job out of obligation. You need to look out for yourself and your daughters. Do what is the best for you and the family.
On the positive side I am really seeing things as they are and not allowing myself to have hope that things will get better. I realize now that what my W says she is wanting to do, even about important things like how we handle the D, is subject to change on a daily (hourly) basis and I have to prepare for the worst.
Yep. The MLCer will say one thing and do something else in the opposite direction. The sooner you accept this new "normal", then the better your emotions will be.
I also do understand that she is under a lot of stress with her father's sitch, her grandmother's going into the nursing home and her mothers not handling it well, along with our own sitch. She never handled stress well in the past and I don't think it's gotten any better now. I need to keep that in mind and just leave her be and let her handle things how she feels best.
Have you thought about asking W if she needed any support or assistance with this? Simply offer and leave it be. It will be up to W to decide whether to take you up on this. That is a lot for one person to handle alone under any normal circumstances.
I'm finally going to go out and get some GAL time in tonight. Going to a Karaoke bar with a meet up group that I've gone out with once before. They all were really nice people and I like meeting new people. I'm an awful singer but I'm sure that doesn't matter!
Good for you! I suck at Karaoke!
I'm a bit worried about my youngest as she has been very angry at both me and my W lately but she's 14 and that is kinda normal anyway.
Have you made any attempt to open the lines of communication with D14? By actions and words, you convey to her that you care about her and are concerned about her emotions. When I was 11, my parents were going through a D, my father arranged for me to speak with the school counselor and that helped me.
Next up is me having to sign a wavier so the papers don't need to be served. Not sure how that works but my W asked me if I would be willing and I said yes but so far she hasn't given me anything to sign.
Be careful there. As evidenced by FIL and W's actions, I wouldn't be too trusting when it comes to D-related matters. Be on the alert and you'd want to make sure that your L handles all matters related to D.
For her part, she is fully into blaming me for every bad feeling she ever had over the last 25 years and still refuses to accept any part in our marriage troubles. She just doesn't feel the same, can't help that, it's either there or it's not.
^^^^^^^
My h blamed for a traffic jam. Broke down sobbing saying it was my fault that traffic was bad and that I caused this on purpose because I knew he would be hungry. Really. He did. Detach. Stop worrying about why she says certain things or behaves a certain way. You cannot control it.
In regards to D14, I think you should approach her to ask her how she is feeling or if there is anything she would like to talk about. That is a difficult age. My s11 and d9 see a therapist and it is really helping. Like Wonka suggested, even chatting with the school counselor (I advised the counselor of changes at home too) could prove beneficial. I'm not sure if you have an religious or spiritual affiliation, but speaking with a chaplain, pastor, advisor, etc may also help your d.
Let your w go. She has to work on her stuff. Yes, it's difficult to explain the unexplainable. I love karaoke! Have fun. Stop focusing on FIL and W. Focus on you and the girls.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks Wonka and GB, Spot on, both of you. As far as offering to help her with her other sitchs I have and have taken her GM with me to church, helped explain how her husband who has been dead for 30 years isn't coming to get her and didn't leave her there alone, etc. I love this woman, too and I want to help in any way I can. As far as her dad, she knows that her father dislikes me and there is little I can do for her with that. I have taken care of our D so she can spend as much time as possible with him and not worry about her. Although my W seems to think at 14 she is totally self sufficient and doesn't need to even make sure she has dinner, I have made sure she has someone around as much as possible.
I have spoken to my D. My W still thinks she is almost clueless but just recently said she may "suspect" something is wrong! She has known for sometime that things were bad and not getting better. I have tried my best to be open and honest with her without going as far as we are definitely getting a D. Now, I will need to go that far with her. I talked to W about this as I think we should both be there and her sister too when we tell them that she has filed. My W has said she would be open to having that talk when my oldest gets back next week. School is out for her and she went to a private school and they don't have a counselor, but her teachers and principal are very close and would speak with her if asked.
I would like at least my D14 to have some IC but as my W doesn't "believe" in IC or MC even, that may be hard to set up. I think once it is out in the open that W no longer is happy with separation and wants to go the D route (D knows she has wanted time on her own but not the finality of D) how she reacts may help push my W towards C if it isn't like she thinks. You see my W thinks that she will be glad that her mom is going to finally be happy and will be glad because she will be happier so a "better mother". One of the things that has weighed on me since she said it as I doubt that will be the case.
It is time to let go completely. Focus on myself and my D's and how to min. the pain they will feel and the changes they will not like. My family may have one less person but we are still a family and I have always made sure they know I will always be there no matter what. That I love them both and want only what's best for them and I'm certain they know this. That's a good start but it will take much work to make sure they come through this with the least amount of damage.
Looking forward to getting out tonight and a couple hours of not thinking about any of this! Thanks again guys, you're the best. (GB, a traffic jam? Really? let me know how you pulled that one off! May come in handy some day! :))
As far as her dad, she knows that her father dislikes me and there is little I can do for her with that.
I think you may have misunderstood my earlier comments about FIL^^. It has nothing to do with him disliking you. What I meant was to offer to help W in taking some of the burden off her shoulders while FIL is undergoing chemotherapy. Just offer then let W decide to take it up or not.
Got it Wonka, thanks. Went out for some GAL time last night and had much fun! Went almost 3 hours without once thinking about my M sitch. I'm lucky in that I'm very comfortable around new people and everyone there was really nice. Even got talked into singing back up on "Don't stop believing"!
Got home to my W sleeping on the couch and complaining that she was trying to get to sleep. It was only 11:00 and I was trying to be as quiet as possible. This morning W got up early and didn't seem to like that I went out last night. I don't get that as she keeps telling me to do more of this kind of thing. Last time she accused me of lying about "something", not anything she could say but she "knew" I wasn't being truthful. Oh, well. Really doesn't matter what she says or how she reacts, I did this for me and I'm going to do a lot more.
The group from last night has two more events planned for next week and I plan on going to both. Feels good going out without worrying about what W will say or do to mess up the night. Every time we have gone and done things together she would seem to really enjoy herself but would always say or do something the next day to bring me down. No more of that!
