choosing door #2 - next part in my journey

[NotAgainPlease]

TL & G,

Great posts! Thank you!!

[BrightFuture]

TL, I love reading your posts too. I wish I would have the same attitude already… It will be 2 years for me next year, and I’m still not in acceptance phase. I think my H is not ready to “cut the cord” either. I’ve just had some friend’s opinion about that too. Will post on my thread shortly.

[cczamo]

TL,
I am still following all your posts, and agree that you WOULD be a fantastic moderator. I have been busy with my sister and niece moving in, and with their issues, but still feeling comforted by reading your posts and your progress.
I am like you in that I pray every day and give it to God to deal with the pain, which happens so often any little thing reminds me of H. There is a barrage of small "pings" of things that constantly, and I mean constantly remind me of our time together. I wonder how H does not share the same "pings" of memories. Has he been "reprogrammed?"
Anyway, I just want to say thanks for your posts, 'cause you DO express MY feelings and experiences SO ON TARGET, that's it's almost scary!
Today was my B-day and H texted "Happy Bday, I hope this is a great day for you....and I'm not bringing my dogs to your house. Will resume tomorrow!" Drats! I did want all my doggies to love on today. Oh well!

Hope your life keeps getting better without the ex! I'll be reading and will keep dropping in to say "Hi!"

[TL72*]

thanks CC, BF and notagainplease, you all are so nice!
I went out with my girlfriend last night to play pool. We usually play on weekends but it was nice on a weeknight to have a beer and play with less people around for practice. I finally won a game!! I was so excited. It is so much fun to find something you like to do that you didn't realize you liked before. And to go out on a weeknight and break the routine. I am feeling so much better these last few weeks. I'm really letting go of the rope, I can't believe it but it's just clicked. Yes I still think about him, especially with certain reminders - songs, commercials even, but it's getting less. I was invited to dinner on Monday before last with a nice man as FRIENDS only. He even reiterated it to me, that it wasn't a date, just 2 friends having dinner. Well I'm all about making new friends right now, and I went and it was a nice dinner. Problem is that he started texting me constantly every day over and over and smothering me immediately. We had one dinner and he texted me 10 minutes later asking me out again and hinting he'd like to come over and meet my dogs and help with yard work. what?! I went with my gut and told him look, i'm not over my ex I can't do this and I don't want to lead you on. He immediately thought he did something wrong but said ok. I deleted him from my phone and email and then last night he texted me (right when I thought he was going to leave me alone) and says "I miss you... just wanted you to know" how can you miss me? I don't even know you, we had one dinner. I did not respond and blocked him on my phone. Geez, my first experience did not go well, I hope he gets it. Makes me want to crawl back into my shell but I'm not going to. I almost feel like this is MY time now, my wound is healing, i'm no longer scratching at the scab... i'm at acceptance and the pain is subsiding. the anger is too. I'm in that growth period of personal growth and it feels so good. I wonder if this was placed in my path to get me to find myself like this and go in a different direction. I am trying to remember to just enjoy this time, live in the present. I haven't felt this balanced in years, really didn't realize how stifled I felt in the M. It's ok to be alone, it really is. I look forward to it at night with me and my dogs, just chilling - watching whatever bad tv I want haha. Not obsessing over the MLC anymore. well ok not as much, I mean it has gone down drastically. I think spring really opened my eyes, it was like a shift - all this bad stuff went down in the long cold winter we had and when spring came out, the sun was here, flowers, leaves, all the new growth - just inspired me to make that same transformation. I'm really liking the way this feels. Thanks for letting me journal

[Georgiabelle]

TL,

You amaze me. I don't watch tv but I do love sleazy celebrity gossip sites and magazines. Enjoy your pets (I love mine too!) and relish in this you time. You are doing so many wonderful things.

You are really "springing" forward in life:)You are experiencing much personal growth and that is wonderful thing.

[Matt165]

Hi TL,
Wanted to say thank you so very much for your well thought out post to me. You are such an inspiration to me and appreciate your thoughtfulness. I have a feeling that we're both going to find many people out there like the man who had you over for dinner. I'm 52, you a little younger but I have found that most of the non married folks out there in our age group have a reason they are alone. My W's best friend is a twice divorced woman who is in a relationship with a nice man who is always wanting more than she wants to give. Of course she complains about him all the time but keeps him around (she says) for the sex! I think the real reason is something is better than being alone and she is settling for what she can find. She still blames her ex's for how her life has turned out, never bothering to see how she may have contributed to her R problems. Do our ex's really think that there is someone else out there better for them? That they will soon meet the perfect person who they don't have to try to make things work with like a disney movie?

Of course my W says she's worried that she will turn into an "old cat lady" but that prospect is better than having to live with me the rest of her life. (Ouch!)To me, the fact that we have been given this chance to really look at ourselves and what part we played in our marriage problems instead of just hiding and blaming like our MLC S's, that when we're truly ready, we will have much more to offer someone of quality and won't replay our old R with someone new. Until our S's finally stop running and also take a real look at what went wrong, their part in the break down of such long M's, until they stop rewriting history to jibe with how they "feel" now and see the truth that things weren't always bad, they weren't perfect and us the bad guys, they will never find real true happiness and mature love.

I know I wasn't perfect. I know that I should have done things differently at times but I also know that I tried. I gave it my all and then some. It's a shame that the MLC S's can't see that once the LBS goes through the process of really looking inward and seeing what they need to change, they would probably be a much better partner and if they could do the same, have the marriage they have always wanted.

Thanks again, TL. You're the best! You too GB!

[TL72*]

Thanks you guys - love reading all your responses!
Matt it is a shame that they don't see it but like you said - I KNOW I tried my best and now I have really looked inside and have been doing the work on me. The grass is greener where you water it!!! I would have stayed married to him until death, but that's not what he wants so f*ck it. I finally feel 100% detached. My ex texted me last night asking if I had applied for a home loan because he received a phone call. I responded an hour later saying no i have not and that was the end of that touch and go. I completely try to take myself out of the victim triangle, I accept responsibility for my part in this failed marriage, and I accept that there were so many good times (they far outweighed the bad in my eyes) He can go on this journey and now I'm on my own and I LIKE IT. Definitely a lot of personal growth going on and it feels super. Like i'm back in control of myself. Not letting his moods or actions dictate my moods or feelings. Only I can control my feelings. I definitely feel like I'm dumping baggage along the path. I know I can't get rid of it all but I can slim it down. Not going to settle anymore, not going to replay the last R either - I had one of those "aha" moments and could clearly see I did the same things in 2 marriages myself and I had never realized that before. Things are clearer now that I know to look inside myself. Still much work to be done!! Just feels good to know you're on a path of purpose. I'm about ready to shut the door to be honest. Maybe just leaving a crack in the window

[T-boned]

Hey Tl - haven't been around for a while I know, but I have been very busy with work and rental property issues, etc... Just wanted you to know that I have gotten caught up with you in your posts - I can't believe how well you are doing!!! More power to you. I wish I had your ability to get through this in the same fashion. I have had, and continue to have,a difficult time cutting that last bit of tendon that keeps me bound to him. Just spent a wonderful 3 days in the Sierra's hiking with two good girlfriends, only to cry all the way home after dropping off one of my friends. Especially when I pass the part of town in which he lives which is 5 minutes, at best, from my house. Talked with him about a week ago - told me he is living with this gal who is married to a Merchant Marine or something, very secure in her marriage, blah, blah , blah . . .I don't buy it. Says it's great financially. He's also off to Spain for a month on the 20th. Gosh, why do I still love this idiot? Gotta tell you that the "Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends," book has been GREAT, but obviously I have a long way to go. Also got another HELPFUL book titled "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. Both of course address much of the same issues but in different ways. Highly recommend both even though I, again, have and obviously long way to go.
Haven't started a new thread yet, so TL, I am hijacking your spot. Sorry, my friend. But I wanted to let you know what I have been going through too and to get those book titles out to others since you have gained such an audience. I agree, you should become a moderator some day!!! You're truly an inspiration to all of us laggers. Sounds like you got through the anniversary quite well. I'm so proud of your. Yeah, the 'firsts' are a bit_h. But you are one tough cookie! Love ya, my friend. Keep posting - we all benefit so much! ((())))

[TL72*]

so good to see you Tboned!! I was looking for ya! Glad you are staying busy, that's the best thing. I have that book you mentioned in my amazon cart for purchase, just haven't done it yet. There has been a new development in my own journey, I was playing pool with my girlfriends - part of my GAL and I do love playing pool now... but when I wasn't looking, I met someone. Now I know that it's only been 5 months,feels like an eternity, but the way I see it is that if someone wants to be nice to me and we both enjoy each others company then i'm not going to say no to that. I feel like I deserve it and it feels so nice. I was totally up front and honest about my sitch - I wanted to be transparent from the get go. I'm all about living in the present right now. When something feels this good, I can't just say no and deny it. Just having a fun time. It feels so good to laugh again and feel alive. Very unexpected. The rope is dropped, moving forward, continuing to work on ME.

[Matt165]

Wow TL, I'm jealous! You are from what I can see from your posts, quite a catch and he is a lucky guy!
I got my W's D petition yesterday. Spoke to a L (and found out I need $2500 just to make sure I get to be in my D's life!). When I got home I was going to talk to my D14 (she still has no idea her mom filed for D!)and then go out for some GAL but I found the cat dead outside in the yard. The vultures had gotten to her and it was bad. So, instead of what I planned I had to take care of burying her. So very sad. One VERY bad day!

I wanted to say that I really am starting to feel different about my W and my sitch and I think you really helped. I see how she didn't even know what was in her petition (told me "I just thought it was standard stuff...") which tells me her dad was the one who did all the work. And, how shocking, he lied about separate property and tried to make my W the primary and the person who had final say on where my D14 lives when my W SWORE she would only ask for joint custody.

I realize now after talking to a few people who have been around for the last several years or more, my W really CAN'T make big decisions on her own. She didn't file before her dad got involved because she just couldn't bring herself to make such a big move on her own. She let him tell her what to do and did it for her. This is what she has been like for years. She would tell me she wanted X. I would make X happen and when it wasn't what she really wanted, blamed me for doing it. Even when she didn't tell me she wanted something if I didn't read her mind and do something she wanted done she would tell me it was my fault and I should have done it! I wish I had a buck for every time she said "You should have known.."!

Which brings me to now. After looking at her and talking to her again last night, I see her for what she really is, a scared little child. She wants her "freedom" but not have to pay for it. Now she thinks she has her father to catch her if she fails so now is ready to move. Until that was in place she was stuck in place but also unable to do the work on herself as she had me and her marriage to blame, no matter that she had the freedom to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted and felt no better, until that excuse gets crossed off her list, she will always blame it and me! It doesn't matter to her any longer how she is hurting anyone else, not even her kids. Sure, a part of her feels "bad" but not enough to stop her from doing ONLY what she wants for HER. Why wouldn't we all just be happy for her?

I saw all this and instead of getting angry, all I felt was empty. I couldn't look at her without seeing this broken person. This stranger who took over my W's body and doesn't know how to be her. She is going to drive over the cliff full throttle, eyes closed hoping to make it to the other side and go crashing down. The way she acts and talks, she really thinks I will still care about her after all this. She really thinks if it turns out that she is making a mistake, she will have a plan B in me. Would you really even think of asking a person who just got served D papers from you that day to do you a favor?

And I thought about you TL. How you have been such a rock through all your sitch. How you just let go and moved ahead. Never letting anything your H did get you down but also never hating him nor needing him back in your life. I no longer want anything from her in the way of relationship. I know she is a beautiful woman on the outside, I remember how we shared 25 years of our lives together and laughed and cried together. But she isn't that person anymore and it's time I became a new, better person myself. I'm finally dropping the rope and turning my back so I can move forward while she runs backward trying to replay a time that is dead and gone forever. I realized that while I was trying to hold on, she was pulling me backwards with her, like you, it's time for me to turn and move forward!

Sorry if I hijacked but I really thought about you and how you have handled yourself as my W walked out of the room, that never happened before and it really helped me focus. Thanks TL and glad to hear about the new someone! (How about the ending on last week's Game of Thrones??)