Help please

[mdu]

Maybell, sorry I have not read through your entire story but how would you say your M was before all this began? If you look at things very objectively were there things that you contributed to making your marriage vulnerable to this? Or is this really 100% on H?

In my case, the truth is I have not been the best wife. H certainly made his mistakes as well (pre-A and then obviously the A) but I could be pretty harsh, controlling, often rejecting of him. I most definitely have accountability. And that is a big reason why I feel driven to stand for the M and give him another chance. Really, he would be giving ME another chance as well if he recommitted to the M. While there is NO excuse for what he did I can see how I led him to the well, he chose to drink the poison and needs to take full accountability for that but I definitely had a hand in getting him there.

When H and I were in MC during our initial (failed) reconciliation attempt he said that what he really wanted was to feel with ME what he was feeling with OW. He used to feel for me what he felt with her. He was so clearly trying to recapture that, he even did a few things with/for her that he did for ME in our early very romantic days. Now obviously he should have been doing those things for/with me but I think he felt he had tried and was simply at a point of giving up. That the only way he could keep his family intact (which I know he loves) and be happy was to secrectly have this OW on the side to fill what was so sorely missing. It really makes me quite sad when I think about it.

Please know, I am certainly NOT making excuses for him, it's certainly a God awful mess he has created and a world of hurt he has inflicted. Often I think, the punishment does NOT fit the crime! But on some level I think I can understand it, at least in my case. And I guess that's why I feel like I probably can forgive if we ever try to reconcile.

Don't know if that applies to you at all...my two cents ;-)