You should think about taking what she's saying about her feelings about parenting seriously. Women have a lot of expectations on themselves with regards to how we parent, and there is a LOT of judging out there. She's telling you VERY strongly that she is not happy with the way her parenting situation is at the moment. You say your kids are struggling too.
You are in a bad place with her, with open OM, etc. I can absolutely imagine how awful that is and I feel for you. You validated that it's awful to be so unhappy, which is great. Is there ANYTHING she does well as a parent that you can praise as part of your validation? I have never met a mom anywhere ever who felt confident in her parenting; this is a Mars-Venus thing. Sometimes just reassuring her that parenting is hard and we all just do the best we can will do a lot to ratchet down the emotion and help bring rational thought back to the table. Moms who barely know one another would do this at any playground; is it something you can do for the mother of your children, in spite of your own hurt and anger?
I don't know how this fits with DB-ing, but to me it's the sort of kindness that can and ought to be extended to anyone, including any stranger. And pointing out your W's good points as a mother could give her the motivation to be a better support to your kids, too.
Just my two cents.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
