Help please

[Maybell]

Things are shifting and I'm not sure where I stand anymore.

I've gone pretty dim since Sunday -- asked him not to stick around on Sunday evening after he put the kids to bed, went out with a friend and got a margarita while he watched the boys on Monday, not texting or talking at all except when he initiates. But he has started kind of following me around a little. He looked surprised when I asked him to leave on Sunday, but I was so exhausted, I couldn't be around him anymore. It just took too much energy. He took the kids to Target Monday and sent me *15* texts asking where to find things, whether I approved his choices, etc. Tuesday we got an IRS thing in the mail that needed a signature, so I sent him a one-sentence email letting him know it was there, but it could have waited till he was next at the house. Instead he came over early from work, signed it, and then stuck around while I made dinner for the kids noshing on vegetables off the plate while I cut them, asking if I needed help with anything (I just raised my eyebrows at him), and then saying again, before he left, "I really want to be able to help with something." (OK, great, why couldn't you have HELPED take care of our marriage???) Wednesday he sent three texts letting me know he was stopping by the house to pick up something he'd forgotten and offering me his car while he's out of the country. I answered one, with one line.

Yesterday waiting in the car line to pick up my kids, I was playing around on Facebook and saw that he'd posted a link to a song. He hadn't posted anything but runs prior to that in almost a week. (prior to BD posted multiple times a day) His method of communication when he wants to be really eloquent is sharing song links. The song he linked was "Zigzagging Toward the Light." Curious.

So now I'm thinking all the following around, too much texting and wordy emails from this very uncommunicative guy, and the song link are messages for me. Perhaps.

And I don't know how I feel about it.

I mean, he said a lot of incredibly hurtful things (I only married you because everybody else was getting married; I don't remember being happy with you; I've been going through the motions for years) in the name of "honesty" and "authenticity" -- all the while he was carrying on an EA/PA with OW in another country. So not a ton of authenticity or honesty there. Nor has he been honest or authentic with anyone else in his circle.

My S8 this morning told me he didn't sleep well because it's hard to sleep when you're crying over how much you miss your dad.

Can I ever forgive or re-enter a relationship with a person who has inflicted this much gratuitous pain on me and on my kids? Why would I?

And of course it's probably too soon to even ask this question. But really, ought I to stand for a marriage with a person who is capable of all this? Would I want my kids to?

The truth is, that question, would I want my kids to, is trickier than it looks. Because I want my kids to be people of integrity, to stand by their commitments, to be strong enough to see the good in a person who has behaved horribly, recognizing that any of us are capable of phenomenally huge mistakes and deserving of forgiveness. On the other hand, where is the limit for what we should be willing to stand for? If my kids made mistakes like his, would I want the message to be "there is a limit to my love, there are circumstances under which I am justified in casting you off"?

I don't know anymore if I want him back. I don't want him as he is, but sometimes I see glimmers of his true self in there and that guy, yes, that guy I want back. But I don't know if that guy is still around, or if I will ever be able to see him without also seeing the guy who could tell me he only married me because everyone else was getting hitched.

HELP. Please.