Wife walking away

[sandi2]

Working on yourself is great. Some find it helpful to set personal goals to keep them focused. GAL is also great! I'm sure your kids keep you busy, but being with friends who like and support you is good for you.

Initially things were fairly friendly but the past couple of days she's gone pretty cold. I didn't say hi yesterday when she showed up and that seemed to bother her. Should I. Trying to stay dark when possible. What else should I be doing?

If you keep the kids at the place where she stays everyday, it is about impossible to go dark. Plus if she sees you and you are trying to ignore you, it kind of makes you look like a jerk by not at least speaking. Going dark is no contact of any kind (including sight). I personally believe in your case it would be better to just speak and keep it on a business type level for now. Don't hang out after she comes home, but don't act like you are mad, either. If there is nothing you need to tell her, just say something like, "Okay, I've got to go, see you later".

How is your physical appearance when she sees you?

I hope you keep up the good work. It must be awful hard on you.

[LBSinTX]

Sandy,

Thanks for the feedback. I have kept it friendly. School will be out soon so they'll be going to daycare and I won't see her or them daily. My appearance is the best it's been since we've been together. I was actually losing weight before we separated but continuing to work on it still. Bought some new clothes and cologne. Need to have better defined goals about my self work which includes being more confident and overcoming the insecurity that contributed to our relationship problems. It was a trying day today because we spent about 4 hours today at a car dealership together. I was only there because she asked me and we agreed that she would trade in one of the cars that we own mutually and I would keep the other. We probably talked too much. She was on the verge of tears because she wasn't getting what she wanted. She complained that she's no better off financially today than she was before we met and she's tired of settling. She doesn't see her own complicity in our situation. I truly believe she's depressed. She's been posting so much on Facebook lately about being excited about starting over and how happy she is but when I'm around her her body language seems to tell a different story. Maybe it's just when she's around me. I am going to go dark but keep it cordial and about business when we see each other. She's worried about her living situation and transportation. I'm not sorry for her but I do acknowledge that she's the kind of person who won't notice any change in me or miss me, etc... as long as those things are unsettled.

[LBSinTX]

I have a question. This is something that came up today. My wife complained that she didn't receive a gift from the kids for Mother's Day. I did however, have a gift for her. I explained to her on Mother's Day that a gift that we bought online was backordered and we didn't receive it. It was a few days after that we talked about the separation. The gift was never shipped and I cancelled the order. Since I've been out of the house I didn't make an effort to purchase a gift because I didn't now how it would be received. Should I buy a gift from the kids at this point? It really seems to be a sore spot with her but considering the circumstances I hadn't really thought about it. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Thornton]

If you can make it completely about the kids (let them pick the gift), I don't think this would be considered pursuing. Keep it simple and nothing over the top or suggestive.

[LBSinTX]

Thanks for the advice. I was worried that she might see it as pursuing but I think you're right. She still may be skeptical but it is really about the kids. I'd like them to do something that is uniquely them and shows their appreciation for her. It is righting a wrong that has nothing to do with your relationship.

[LBSinTX]

So,

My wife asked via e-mail if I could watch the kids tonight while she goes to look for a house. She wasn't specific about time. I told her I could watch them until my son and I were done with Cub Scouts which ends at 7:30 but I had made plans for after that and hopefully that gave her enough time to do what she needs to do. She usually responds right away in those situations. It's a few hours now with no response. How do I respond if she makes me out to be a jerk in this situation? What do I say if she doesn't respect my time? I'm fairly certain the icy treatment is coming.

[sandi2]

First of all, people use icy treatments to punish and/or control others. If it doesn't work on you, then why fret about it?

She may be trying to find someone else to keep them so she can stay out later......or maybe not, IDK. You have a couple of choices. You can text her to see if you are on the same page about later, or you can go about your plans as usual if there's no response. Did you give her a cut-off time to let you know for sure? You know her, so is she assuming by what you told her that yes, you will keep them till 7:30?

Keep it simple and don't make it harder than necessary.

[fade]

All advice here are suggestions except for one that is an order:

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE...until your attorney says you can.

You guys are in a rush to sell the house, but as soon as you are out, I can pretty much guarantee that will change. If you move out and she is there, then:

1. She has a massive advantage in determining custody, child schedules, and thus child support and alimony.
2. She can force you to pay child support + any spousal support + half the mortgage and bills.
3. There is nothing you can do to speed the sale of the house.
4. She can effectively hold out for years by refusing showings, or keeping it messy. As the resident, she probably will get to set the asking price too until you can get a judge to issue orders, which will take years of hearings and appraisals that you have to pay for.
5. She can stop paying the mortgage and still live in the house for possibly a couple of years, then declare bankruptcy, and the lender will come after your assets for their loss.
6. She can move her new boyfriend in, and you will not be able to do anything about it, and you will still be paying half of their living expenses.
7. She will never return to the marriage as long as her new relationship is better for her than what you offer - how do you think the balance will look when she has you paying half her living expenses as well as enough for a monthly getaway with her new boyfriend?

Don't think this will happen to you? I have seen this happen dozens of times, and none of those men ever thought that this would happen to them. You move out, and you are asking for these things to happen.

[LBSinTX]

She was home by 5:00. No icy treatment. However, really having trouble going dark and I keep getting sucked into conversations where I talk too much. I've been working on myself but having trouble detaching. Don't reach out to her but if I'm present I talk to her more than I should. I feel like I'm projecting happiness and confidence more than I have in the past but... I follow her on social media and check several times a day. Need to practice some self control. She posts selfies several times a day on Facebook and Instagram talking about happiness and starting over but when I'm around her she seems very unhappy. Maybe my presence evokes that response. She's nice and cordial and makes eye contact when we speak, and even smiles sometimes but she seems so beat. She obviously wants the rest of the world to view her very differently than what I observe. I feel like she's trying to justify what she's doing by proving to the world that I was some sort of albatross around her neck. It hurts but I have come to the realization that it isn't me. I contributed greatly to the problems in the relationship but the relationship was only one contributing factor to her overall unhappiness. I'm worried about her.

[LBSinTX]

fade,

The sale of the house will be completed in two weeks. She has already signed a lease and has been packing. That isn't what really concerns me. She's already written up the petition and is asking me to review it. There aren't any lawyers involved yet. I won't fight the legal divorce and I won't fight her on trivial things. I'm at the point where I care so much more about my own happiness than restoring the relationship. I've been focusing on myself but still not completely detached. I doubt there is any way for her to see that I offer anything better than an OM which may or may not exist. I see and talk to her every day. Until school is out for the summer at the end of next week that won't change. I don't expect any improvement until we can truly spend some time apart and when she is out of the house which is such a source of unhappiness for her. Additionally, I'm having second thoughts about whether or not I want it to work. Maybe that's just lack of patience.