own buz 30: My self-value, dropping the rope.

[job]

Magic,
Sandi's posting is excellent in describing dropping the rope. Here is a example of a posting from another forum that I frequent:

"I understood why people were telling me to drop the rope, I WANTED to drop the darn thing, I just had zero idea HOW to do it. And that was supremely frustrating.

At first, I pretended I had. I started using "STBXH" instead of "WH". I tried to fool myself. Then I started making decisions for me, without thinking of how he'd react. This was hard at first - it took me months to hire a contractor to finish the house because "what if he wants to come home and I've picked a color he doesn't like and then he'll be mad at me!" (seriously, I was initially paralyzed by that....now it just sounds pathetic) Making those decisions for me made feel more empowered, more in control of my life, and much less reliant on him. When he said something negative about the color I picked, I was able to say "I like it." and rather than be upset that he disapproved I was more irritated that he thought he had a say. The rope was allllllmost dropped.

For me, the final turning point was when I stopped having expectations. I stopped expecting him to react in X way if I did Y. I stopped doing things designed to get him to respond in Z way (temperature-checking). I stopped analyzing why he responded in certain ways. It doesn't matter. His brain is a black box (which sometimes I think is quite empty), and WHY he acts/reacts is his problem, not mine. I'm not going to change my actions to change his (except in coparenting - it's important to figure out a way to improve the coparenting relationship).

There's probably a few strands of the rope caught on my belt or on the sole of my shoe. It may take me a little while to root those out and sever them. But I'm no longer trying to/wishing to control him or his actions, and I'm not longer giving him the mental space in my head to control he or mine.

And no, he doesn't like it. He's tried harder to put me back in my place, trying to elicit reactions that he expects. The more I don't react in the way he thinks I would/should, the angrier he gets. That is his problem. I feel sorry for him that he has so much anger to carry, because it doesn't look like fun. But I feel no urge whatsoever to do anything about it beyond praying that he finds peace and happiness. I'd feel the same way about a coworker who acted like that. To me, that's the biggest sign that the rope is dropped."

How did you feel after making your decision not to go last night? Did it bother you? Where you second guessing yourself? Your decision not to go should be based on what YOU felt about the situation and whether or not it would have proven beneficial for you to go. Decisions can be difficult at times and that's why I told you that you had three decisions to choose from. My guess is that you made the right one for you at that time. Magic, stop second guessing yourself. If you were happy w/your decision, then it was the right one for YOU.