I re-read this thread a couple times, just to make sure what I was seeing and reading. I gave it overnight and read it again...
It could probably get misconstrued that you are being convinced to do something now...
And I want to make it clear that I am NOT saying that you need to act now.
What I am saying is, that you really need to be aware of what is around you, and to have absolute truth, and brutal honesty about your interactions. So that you are NOT giving yourself false information here.
And as painful as it may be, you need to place yourself according to that information....
As far as the touch ??
Look, I don't always agree with the coaching here, yet I won't go against it either...
To me, initiating touch to an MLCer, with a sexual abuse past, is absurd. Until she has dealt with those issues....
One of the things that I have heard from the many MLCers that have made it out of the tunnel, is that the integrity of the person on the other side is what has drawn them back to that person.
And that IF you are initiating touch ??
Just because she doesn't seem to be pulling away, or "seems" to be responding...does NOT mean that she is accepting it....
Touch to a WAW is VERY different, than touch to a MLCer. Especially one with sexual abuse in her past...
You wrote this on 3-3-2014
Originally Posted By: FY
3-3 "Last night W walked into the room carrying our dog, all the while kissing and goo-gooing the heck out of her. When I made a playful comment (something about that being an awful lot of goo-goo talk going on) W said “She’s special”. A few moments later I stopped W when she was walking past me, and asked her to give me her hand. “Why? I don’t want to!” she said, but I insisted. “Just do it, give me your hand, I want to tell you something” Finally she reached out. I took her hand and told her she was special too!
Just little stuff I’m trying because the time seems right. I know for sure it’s not hurting things between us, and I need to change things up around here… For me. If she likes it, good. If not, oh well! We'll see what happens!
Do you see the pressure here ???
To you, it may have been a simple act of holding her hand, and feeding her LL...
She expressed that she did not want to, and you insisted...
And just to know that I read everything...
This was your response when asked about it...
Originally Posted By: FY 3-3
I wish I had a penthouse version
There was no flinch, no nervousness, just a little bit of "perturbedness". Even so, I know she appreciated it, because WOA is one of her LL's. Mostly, I see it as a positive because in the end she DID reach out to me, when she didn't have to. She could have easily refused.
Could she have refused ????
You "insisted", right ???
How did you know that she appreciated it when you haven't asked ???
WOA may very well be her LL...
And if it was, then why the insisting of holding her hands ???
Isn't that a PT LL ???
It was certainly pressure on her, because she knew, that YOU wanted more than that...
On 3-19-2014, you posted this....
Originally Posted By: FY
The day after our movie date, I was feeling down for a bit. W hadn't reached out to touch me, hadn't joined me in our bed, and still closed up the bathroom curtain tight when showering/changing. Things were not turning for the better like I had hoped, I told myself, and maybe never would."
Like I said, I am not blasting you here....
I just want you to be honest with YOURSELF about what is happening....
THAT is a part of selling yourself for the Marriage...
You are wishing and hoping for this so badly, that you are willing to take ANY scrap off of that table...
IF you are comfortable with that, then go for it, and I will support that...
DB says to do what works....are your touches working ???
I would say that they aren't....
My advice to you was....
That given the circumstances (sexual issues), IF you are going to touch her with the intention of fulfilling a physical need, either in yourself, or to stir something up within her....
Then you need to have the talk...
Let me ask you this...
When was the last time that you read 5LL ??
Not being smartass or anything...
I always recommend reading it more than once. The first time is usually pretty early on in our stand, and it reads as more of a "how I F'ed this up" manual...
The second time is usually a very different view of it.
How do you GIVE love, in relation to how you receive love ???
It seems as if you give love in a PT way, which is a direct pressure on her just by your being there...
Not a slight at all, just something to be aware of....
Just my opinion though...and I hope that it helps you see things a slight bit differently....
