own buz 30: My self-value, dropping the rope.

[sandi2]

Good morning Magic. I wanted to refer to your post before the last thread had closed.

Starsky/job --I can go. I can keep my mouth shut. No problem. But why does most everyone lean towards me going? With the exception being sandi? I am surprised that starsky said go. If I bring duct tape. Is there a point/ lesson here?

As I recall, in just a post or two from the one about the event, you were frustrated by the lack of control over your mouth, and I think you had made a comment about putting duct tape over your mouth. Starsky has a sense of humor, and the way I see it, was simply referring to the duct tape (as you had done so previously).

Sandi-- oddly this is exactly the kind of first dates we had because going to am auction the first 20 times is new and exciting. He is not needing my assistance to go to this. Yes. I need to stop chasing this guy and thought I could do it starting a couple days ago, dropping the rope and not accepting this crumb today.

I would be interested in knowing how you interpret "dropping the rope". The way I see it in my mind is like you are literally holding onto a rope that has the other end tied to your xbf. If you ever played Tug of War with two teams pulling on opposite ends of the rope, that's the picture I'd like you to have, only in this case there are just you and xbf and he's facing the opposite direction....b/c he's trying to get away from you. (And before you tell me he's not trying to get away from you......just go along with me for a minute.). So, you really have your heels dug in and pulling as hard as you can to draw him back. But the harder you tug, the more he is resisting and watching everything else. Now, what would happen if you suddenly dropped your end of the rope......and left it laying on the ground? I can see him stumbling around, almost falling on his face! He wonders what just happen, so he turns around to LOOK at you to see what you are DOING. If you grab your end of the rope and start jerking it again, he'll proceed with what he was previously doing. But what if you don't pick it up?

Magic, if it did not at least make the man curious as to why you dropped the rope........then it was all a big waste of time, and you sure don't want to continue wasting your energy trying to pull him in.....when he doesn't care any more than that!

So whenever I refer to dropping the rope, that's the picture I have. Of course, the rope symbolizes "pressure". You use pressure trying to reel him in. But since you are not the one who walked away from the R, I din't think you realize all the things that are pressure to him.

Two days ago, I laid it on the line, asking for reconciliation. He said he needed time to think, and that he would tell me with clear words. I offered him all the time in the world, although I am struggling and was not sure how much more of me was left. I am not waiting.

Was that after you decided to drop the rope? B/c once that rope is dropped, you don't return to say, "In case you don't get it.......I really, really am trying to pull you in!". (My words of course). But that's essentially what you did. And the whole business of asking him if last night was a date? His reaction told me he tried to jerk that darn rope out of your hand. I mean, if I read it correctly, he was certainly not charming, and frankly, acted rude IMO. But that's how a WAS acts when pressured. Asking him (even in a light-hearted way) if it was some big date was tightening that rope and yanking hard.

With Job's advice : I made myself very clear. You do not need to clarify anything else. Leave him be to mull things over. Step back, leave the rope on the ground and go about your business. Actions speak louder than words...give him the time and space he requires. You can't rush this...

Right! When you leave the rope and get busy living/working/playing, then if xbf cares enough to really look at what's going on........that's what he'll see. But the biggest thing is he feels no pressure from you.


Maybe it was in the previous thread, you made reference how everyone seemed to lean toward you going to the event last night.....except Sandi. I suppose it goes back to how one interrupts b/c I thought everyone bent over backward not to tell you what to decide about it.

So communication may be challenging. I remember once writing a post with what I intended to show my sarcastic humor. But unfortunately, it was misunderstood. So it happens.

Put last night's event to bed, and don't feel you have to defend your decisions. You don't have to thrash out line by line of what everyone said......in an attempt to justify your decision to stay home. We can accept it. The question is.....can you?

I hope you have a good day.