A holiday here and its raining. I am recovering from a migraine and have that weird heavy head. The day looked like one I would spend crying so I texted 2 friends and invited myself out for lunch and invited one here for dinner. I journalled a bit and reminded myself about the futility of mind reading and magic thinking- where if I think enough about a situation being the way I want it then I can control it. I had arranged to telephone my H tonight but I am not going to.. distance really helps him be friendlier..I will leave it until Sunday. I have realised I was so caught up in my relationship with my H that I really neglected the friends in my life. Which means I was not the best I could be, too one dimensional. it was so claustrophobic for both of us. He used to say why don't you have a holiday with xxxxx I would think I would miss him too much and I did.I did not realise how good it should have been for both of us. Not a conversation to have but an action to show.
He did not say he needed the space, maybe he did not know.Now I know.. I can see why he resents that now I am out more, new contacts trying different things, taking risks with looking stupid,But it is better for me and if we get to reconcile then better for both of us. The trick would always be not to fall into those old habits. I hate being wise after the event... why didn't we come with a manual written in 25 languages so we didn't screw things up?
