Roller coaster and then some

[2BHappy]

Thanks for sharing the scripture, I had read it before but really needed to re-read it this morning.

It just helped me to not feel "stupid, foolish" about wearing my wedding ring when my H is not. And it helped to remind me of the area I failed in my M and where I need to continue working on so IF my H decides he is ready to work on M and R, I will be ready to do my best and be a better W then I was before. It also reminded me to forgive myself and focus on being better person.

[daring]

Talk about a classic MLC feeling- this was H's Facebook post yesterday:

"Some days I feel like my brain's center of gravity is outside my head and I spend all day chasing it. I can never slow down to catch it, I always try to speed up which just puts me further out of sync. Time to figure out how to change that."

So since the most recent announcement that he was going to finalize the D and moving back to his rented house, I have found a new level of detachment and peace. I did have some serious low feelings initially but now I am better. I still want my marriage to work out, but I am so over the indecisiveness and the roller coaster. I'm letting him go and moving forward working on me.
The one place I'm a bit stuck with though is the kids. When I see their hurt and tears over all of this ( especially my highly sensitive daughter who is actually a daddy's girl but very conflicted right now) I get really pi$$ed off at him.
It's one thing to put me through this but to be so selfish as to put kids through the fallout of adult problems just [censored]!
I suppose I just need to hope the aliens release him before it permanently affects his relationship with them.
Back to GALing....

[daring]

I'm glad the scripture helped some of you as well.

2BHappy- forgiving yourself is definitely key. I failed in the areas that scripture mentioned as well and I have worked on me to make that a non-issue should my M survive. No matter what I have become a better person even though this has been incredibly painful.

So I went to IC today and vented some of my anger about the sitch. I'm over the anger for the relationship but not when it comes to seeing the effects in my kids. My IC have me some good ways to "honor" my anger without taking it out on H or letting it affect me in an unhealthy manner.

So the strangest and sweetest thing that happened today was this text from H:
"It may not matter to you but I thought i should say it anyway. You have been amazing. The way you have focused on the positive, the way you have made yourself healthy in all aspects of your life, the ways you've supported me and the kids, the work you put into being emotionally and physical healthy, the changes you've made in your body... I am so in awe of you and the woman you are. You really are amazing. "

I'm continuing to let go and let him bake through his MLC- but it was definitely nice to know he recognizes my changes. Maybe they will help lead him forward.

[ForeverYoung]

That is so nice that you got that text from your H, daring! His acknowledgement is a testament to how well you are doing.

It is sad what your kids may have to go through. But one of the vets here that I truly admire likes to say that if they see you are doing well, they will too. Keep going!

[whytry]

Daring, that really is good to see your hard work is acknowledged in such a positive way. You have helped me keep hope. Thank you.

[daring]

Whytry I come here often to get doses of hope by reading others sitch- I'm glad I could provide the same- it's definitely important.

The last couple days I've felt pretty good- I still see my H all over the place emotionally. Tonight he told me again how well he thinks I'm doing, and that he's trying to work on himself but thinks he's failing, says all he can do is breakdown. I told him that it's a process and to be kind to himself as he will figure it out.
I'm hoping I can help be his pillar and help him move through his MLC. In the meantime I'm taking care of me.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

[daring]

Clearly we LBS' cycle too. After a few good days I'm back to being down with low PMA.

H was over all weekend as we had events and a party for the kids to kickoff summer. He was helpful with everything but a bit grumpy. Almost seems like he's going backwards a little bit- reminded me of when he was irritable and short with everyone a few years ago. Got stressed out by little things and was "ancy". I do know Heart's Blessing talked about cycling back through stages as they are on their journey so maybe he really isn't going backwards.

So anyway- I'm not sure if my mood is mirroring his or if I am just stressed. Was on call so didn't sleep well and have some house repairs and bills to get figured out that are dressing me. I also notice that when he is around more I get more tense- it shouldn't be that way but I feel like I have to put on a happy face I guess. He constantly was asking me this weekend if I was ok and I said yes just exhausted and stressed about house stuff. Which was true.
It's also hard b/c I want to set boundaries of you can't just come and go as right now it's like he's still there most of the time and just sleeps somewhere else. But I also know that would hurt my kids as they are not comfortable at his house and want to spend time with him where they consider "home". And he is still helping out, did dishes and laundry and cleaned our whole backyard for the kids party.
He hasn't moved forward anymore with the D as of yet, and doesn't seem to be as focused on it. My gut is telling me I just need to sit tight and not set any guidelines, as I think his mood has to do with feeling some of what he will miss if he goes forward.
Oh how I need to ungrump!

[daring]

So after last night I definitely feel like he is cycling back to a-hole stage. He is bring very controlling with our two teenage boys and in my opinion projecting his own issues into them. My oldest can handle it- he just blows him off. But S16 is also going through his own depression and I feel so bad seeing how the conversations with his dad effect him. I talked with S16 some last night and then I texted H with some thoughts on it all. He totally ignored me, but I know he had his phone b/c our daughter was texting him and he was actively responding.

I am so angry and hurt right now. I dont even want to work on the R, I just want him to get his $hi¥ together! He's such a good dad, I wish he could see where he is hurting them.....

[ForeverYoung]

Hi daring, how about an update? I hope you are doing well.

[daring]

FY- thanks for checking in on me. H has been traveling the last few days which gave me a much needed DBing break.

Shortly after I wrote my last post I sent a text to H saying I know he's busy with work but could we please set aside time to talk about S16 as he seemed frustrated with my perspective and I want us to find some middle ground. He said no problem. That evening we talked and it wasn't bad but he kept thinking I was focusing on all of his flaws instead of dealing with the issues related to S16. It's interesting as I was worried about his anger and his approach on some things but I wasn't thinking along the levels that he perceived. He even brought up some things from over 10 years ago that he did in interacting with our oldest, saying he would never say those things anymore.
I did relatively well, didn't try to defend myself, apologized that it came across that way and said I in no way was trying to focus on him. He said ok let's chalk it up to "$hi!!y communication". I said ok but then was teary and he asked me what else was bothering me. I kept it about any kid related concerns and it the conversation ended on a decent note.

During his work travel since midweek I haven't talked to him much and it's been helpful to not have to focus on everything so much and just go about my days. I have to figure out how to do that even when he's around a lot but it is hard.
He called today to say he was coming home a day early, sounded depressed/withdrawn. I asked him if he was down and he said yes. I told him I hoped things got better and to travel safe.

Then he sent me a text saying he's glad I've been able to find ways to be "complete" and he's sorry he failed me and us but glad to have me as a partner to raise our kids.
I didn't know how to respond and said as much, but also said I hope he finds the happy place he is looking for someday.
He said he's learning to understand that he won't find that place.
Not sure if that means he is realizing it's within him or he's just accepting a depressed existence......

In the previous months I thought he was on his way out of the tunnel so to speak.
I think he has run back there for whatever reason. I see him flipping through many emotions and stages.
Just trying to be a friend without getting on the roller coaster. It's a hard balance.