Stuck On You

[Raine]

Hey everyone! I'm sorry my updates keep getting further and further between. Things are really great, and because of that, I just don't find myself here. And it's not just here. I'm noticing that I rarely post to my RL facebook or even DB facebook. Life is basically work my tail off while the kids are at school and H is at work, and then family times, family dinner, get the kids to bed, and then H and I relaxing, spending time together, until we realize it's 2am again, and we are seriously neglecting our sleep. So this is going to be rushed and likely full of mistakes. Hopefully it makes sense

We still go out at least once a week, but usually it's 2-3 times where we get a babysitter and go out and do something fun, try something new. We're both foodies, so attending a concert and trying a new restaurant is probably at the top of the favorite things to do. We're always looking for new and fun things to go and do together. He has planned a lot of really fun nights. H feels like he just never has enough time with me. He is planning that once the kids are out of school, to start going into work early, so he can leave work around 4/430 and have more time at night with me and the kids. This is pretty shocking. I mean, this is a total workaholic talking, where I would have a difficult time getting him to come home at 6:30. Him working until midnight a few nights a month or every quarter was not uncommon. He took a full week off for our anniversary and planned out multiple nights for us, including a murder, mystery dinner theatre. He really went all out for both our anniversary and mother's day.

He is very open to me and anything I need. He will do anything he can to make sure I'm in a good place and whatever he can to help me if I get triggered or am having trust issue moments. There was one time I couldn't get a hold of him, and I knew nothing was up. He was with the two younger boys, of course nothing would be up. But hearing his phone in a grocery store with a 1 year old and 3 year old, just not going to happen. But, it was just that moment of trying to call him multiple times, so he would feel his phone vibrate, so I could tell him I got out early and that I could come and meet him, that triggered me. It triggered me to the moments when he left and I had no clue what was going on and I would call and call him and he would ignore it, because now I know now he was with an OW. So moments that should mean nothing, will just come back on me like PTSD that can cause a full blown panic/anxiety attack. H is super sensitive to it. He always makes sure to have his phone by him, respond right away. But I feel like that's ridiculous in a lot of ways too. I hate that. I really do trust him, more than I ever thought I could so soon. I'm ready to stop living in the past and being triggered back there. I know it just takes time, and the time between triggers is getting spaced further and further apart. New, amazing, happy memories are overfilling and fading out the bad ones.

He tells me he loves me all the time. He says the sweetest, most thoughtful things. He shows me in so many ways how much he cares about me. He does a lot of romantic things. He has put together musical playlists for us. Things are really great between us. There is a lot of work, fun, exciting, relationship building work going on. Forgiveness is ongoing, as well as reminding myself that this is my choice. Everything is my choice. How I feel about things how I react to things and how I hold onto things in the past, that is all on me.

We went to a Christina Perri concert (AMAZING!) and there was a song that just hit him so hard called Distance. It was like he was hearing it for the first time. And ever since, that song has meant so much to both of us, even though it was one that resonated so true for me long before it did for him, the saying I love you when I know he wasn't listening. It rings true for both of us at different times, but now the song is ours. Now it's a song that makes us both appreciate what we have now. Because there was a time for him, a time when he gave up everyone and everything on the outside just to keep a sliver of me. A time when he knew all he wanted was me, but he thought that he could never get that back. That period between dropping everything and then working up the courage to fight for me, to tell me he loved me. My divorced friend saw us together at that concert and it made her cry to see how we were together. She wanted so badly to have what we have and she was so happy for us.

I do feel like this has been a time for me to fully deal with things that happened. I never fully dealt with a lot of the pain/heartbreak that was caused by all this. It was a shock and survive period of life for me. He knows without a doubt what he wants. But, he still feels an incredible amount of guilt, remorse, shame. He has not forgiven himself and feels sick about what he did, the pain he caused, and how close he came to losing absolutely everything that mattered to him. He has no interest in other things, other people. He has turned off so much of what was a part of his life before. Even the shadow of things from before are no longer okay. And he's really not interested in friends and things that he did during replay. He has really grown up in ways that I never expected he would. In ways I would never expect from anyone. He has left his teenage/college days behind him.

I know that the sooner I can get to the place where I can close the door on everything, the sooner he will be able to move past it too. I know life will always have ups and downs, and I have no doubt we can handle whatever comes our way. The pain then is part of the happiness now.


Christina Perri - Distance

The sun is filling up the room and I can hear you dreaming
Do you feel the way I do, right now?
I wish we would just give up
'Cause the best part is falling, calling it anything but love

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Please don't stand so close to me, I'm having trouble breathing
I'm afraid of what you'll see, right now
I'll give you everything I am
All my broken heartbeats until I know you'll understand

And I will make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

And I keep waiting for you to take me
You keep waiting to say what we have

So I'll make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
And how long can we keep this up, up, up?

Make sure to keep my distance
Say "I love you" when you're not listening
How long till we call this love, love, love?