gabbysmom has a point, FY. I thought that because my W didn't leave, she was giving the M a chance when the truth was that as soon as she got a push and money help from my FIL, she wants not only to separate but a full D now. All of it changed the day her dad said he would pay for her lawyer and help pay for her own place. Up until that moment she was content to live apart see how that went, etc. Now, nothing but D will do. I really thought things had started to get better but she now says they never did. (doesn't matter that I saw her loosen up. All it takes is one wrong word or the right person to stick their nose in and it goes back to always being bad).
Just be careful, FY. I really want things to get better for you both as that kind of thing gives us all hope. Just be sure you are seeing thing as they are, not as you wish they are.
FY's W has absolutely no reason to stay. And she IS depressed, just that alone would make intimacy more difficult.
He has been seeing improvement, and from my reading and talking to people about MLC, included a couple who have been through their own, that s3x and intimacy is the last thing to come back in a lot of cases. All the other stuff he has been reporting had to come first.
I get why he is waiting still, his W and mine have several commonalities, one of which being they are SLOW to change or decide anything.
He is not done yet, and has stated that he is not interested in another R with someone new if this fails, so...what's he got to lose waiting some more before confronting/pushing the issue?
FY, the only thing *I* would gently "nudge" for right now is IC for her SA and depression, and then some MC.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
She has no reason to stay, such as financials, kids, lifestyle maintenance, debt, professional "appearances", etc.
She hasn't left yet, IMO, because she is not sure she wants to end the M, and/or, familiarity/convenience. Seems she is warming up, but not ready for full-on engagement just yet.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
FY, what they said about her knowing you are wanting more and it's pressuring is exactly on...one of the reasons W moved out, per her, was to get space to decide without "feeling" me wanting, and her feeling bad for me, and guilty. She wanted space to truly decide without any pressures from guilt, feeling bad, etc. And I wasn't even trying any physical contact, at all, nada. But she knows me, like your W knows you...they DO know.
Hang in there!!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
...what they said about her knowing you are wanting more and it's pressuring is exactly on...
Agreed.
Look, the less pressure you put on her the 'safer' you are to her.
Maybe a days comes when pressure is part of the plan of action, as in a hard fast boundary, this or that sort of thing, but that doesn't seem to be the case right now.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thank you for your thoughts everyone... and Jack, I am so honored that you popped out of retirement and posted in my thread!
Regarding touch: I was advised very early on by two different coaches to initiate touch. I remember posting with Linda, who had received the same advice: "Is the touching working out for you?" "No." "Yeah, me neither". So I put it on the back shelf. For a long time. And honored W's request to not be touched.
Then, as time went on on we both started becoming more comfortable around each other. Home life was not tense like it was in the beginning. Our verbal interactions were as intimate as ever. Best buddies, she even invited me out with her friends a couple times... And I was still frustrated with our near lack of physical touch.
I wanted to try initiating touch again, as a sort of temperature check, and to hopefully get the ball rolling on something that I knew may NEVER happen if I didn't initiate it.
Even with my coke bottle rose colored glasses on, I can honestly say it has not pushed W away. It was fun to write about and has given me hope.
GM: Yes, I'm sure part of the reason W never left is convenience. And familiarity and comfort. (which I'll take some credit for) Also because of uncertainty on bailing on wonderful me. But T is right. It's certainly not money or kids.
Why I am standing: Because I love my W and believe she still loves me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
It doesnt hold the meaning you are placing on it until she says it does.
Good luck.
Maybe it is time to ask some big questions. Just to confirm what I'm feeling about us. Not sure I NEED this right now, but I'm confident it won't hurt.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, the only thing *I* would gently "nudge" for right now is IC for her SA and depression, and then some MC.
Thanks for the support, T. I actually did drop some hints about IC last week. I told her I seen two different therapists (something she didn't know) and that I found it helpful for working out my feelings/thoughts. Unfortunately, IC is not on her radar at the moment.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
But T is right. It's certainly not money or kids.