Magic, Did he actually come out and ask you to go? From your previous posting he said he was "thinking of asking you". That isn't asking you. Why jump to conclusions before you are even asked? We've spent best part of today discussing something that may not even happen. As I recall, your xbf has said he's thinking about asking you on several occasions and never follows through...this could be another one of those incidents.
Also, I want to point out that YOU stated in a previous posting that this about a variety of food, mingling w/associates and high end auto viewing. I would say that this is a "business" social since your business is in autos. This is not a fun and games social, but a business social in the mix.
Until he actually point blank asks you to go, there's no need for additional discussion about whether to go or not. Bottom line, you'll know what you want to do if that time occurs.
It's time to put the focus back on you and what you are doing today. Are you super busy? Do you have a women's meeting this week?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes. He just asked me again...He just asked me if I'm going toniht. I said I did no know yet. Will Let him know later. But I jokingly said is this a big date.? He smirked but no real answer. I said u can do better than this can't you? He said he didn't know. Wtf?
And after that comment he received need that the other offer was accepted on the location. So now he won't be in the best of moods.
I'm not sure if I should go. I don't want to accept crumbs.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes. He just asked me again...He just asked me if I'm going toniht. I said I did no know yet. Will Let him know later. But I jokingly said is this a big date.? He smirked but no real answer. I said u can do better than this can't you? He said he didn't know. Wtf?
I admit, I am a relentless student/person.... it is that very persistence that makes me successful in business & through 20 years of relationship.
I have read where you describe yourself as relentless and compare yourself to a bulldog. You seem to take pride in it, however, I would like to suggest that this could be a place to start change. You see Magic, those traits are not attractive to a lot of people, especially when it's the female being renlentless. A lot of men see a relentless female as a NAG!! Do you know what men do when women nag? They shut you out! They do not see us being attractive or lovable when we are acting like a bulldog. Ugh, why would they want to get close with that?
Have you looked at the definition of the word relentless, it is not faltering. In one place it even says it's persecuting. Maybe he feels like you are persecuting him.
You say this has helped make you successful in business. Do you mean that you won't take no for an answer, or that you hound (another dog btw) your customers? Neither are seen as a feminine quality most people admire.
I wonder if you mean that you don't give up easily when things get tough? B/c applied in the correct way, this trait is necessary to maintain a successful 20 YR relationship and in business. However, I believe you should seriously stop being relentless in trying to pressurize your XBF to reconcile the R. By now, you surely see it's not working. Or do you? It's hard to see ourselves as others can.
I'm sure you are physically attractive, and based on what your XBF said, I think it is the physical attraction that held him in the R so long. However, you are wanting that connection with him that goes deeper than just looks.
Like a lot of people, you try to fix things by talking. You feel that if you don't get your way it is b/c you were not understood? Seriously? Did your parents spoil you that badly? If so, you must break out of it ASAP b/c nobody .........and I mean NOBODY likes being around a spoiled brat. How do you break yourself? By realizing there are several times (daily for most of us) where you don't get your way. You have to accept "no" in most cases (and I won't refer to business operations). It is up to you to decide if it is personal rejection or not, and even if it is......it is up to you how to respond. But don't keep chewing and nagging, thinking "surely I was not understood or I would have gotten what I wanted". You only dig your grave deeper with your mouth.
People who feel a need to please or to justify their actions also try to talk their way through to reach the OP and hopefully change minds. But if I could save a few heartaches, I would tell you that my experience has been that most people have predetermined ideas and will think how they want to think. No amount of clarifying ourselves will change things. The only thing to stand any chance is our actions. In time, we prove ourselves out.......good or bad. But it is still up to the OP make their own decisions, and it may or may not be in our favor. It is not our job to change their mind.
If you keep your mouth shut and come across as mad, cold, pouting, punitive, etc., b/c you didn't get your way........you are digging that grave again. And sweetie, I know b/c I have been guilty. But I have learned I am the one who suffers in the long run of things. However, showing a pleasant and sweeter side has much more positive results. Oh you may not get what you wanted the day before (I don't mean that kind of results), but working toward the bigger picture. Make sense? When you stay consistent with those actions, he and others will notice Magic is starting to change.
The next thing I suggest you start ASAP is to not engage in bickering. It is not attractive! Even if you enjoy it, it is not healthy on any R. Bickering is comparable to nagging. One man said it felt like being nibbled to death by a duck!
I hope you won't say, "But that's just the way I am.". B/c when a person says that, I know they have no intentions of trying to change for the better. Habits may be difficult to break, but certainly not Impossible.
You want to know what to do if he asks you out next week. Do what you want, as long as you think you can control your mouth. B/c your mouth is your biggest trouble. You don't know when to shut up and let it go. I'm surprised he hasn't told you to give it a rest!
You pressure him by being relentless and it's not working. Are you willing to stop being relentless? Yes or no?
Stop being relentless with XBF Stop bickering No punitive actions
I'm sure I can handle it emotionally as it's just a work thing. Nothing special. But why go? For free food? Or to show that I can handle it?
But idk if he will see it as that or that im just anxious to go with him anywhere.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
If you want to go to network, go. If this is not a great networking opportunity and you really are not interested in going, don't go. If you are going because YOU are viewing this as a "date" with xbf, don't go. Why? I think you would hope or want it to be something that it isn't. I doubt your xbf has changed much in the last couple of days.
If I remember correctly, your xbf has a tendency to say things like, "I was planning on asking you to go for pizza, but I realized it was 8:10" or some other caca response. If this event won't be fun or truly beneficial, just go for a walk or grab dinner with your d or friends. Let xbf think whatever it is he thinks about your not going.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I thought he just said he needed some of your time tonight, referring to the event. If you were not (or had not been) in a R with him, you would have never seen it as a date in any form or fashion. It not only was not how you would ask a lady on a date, but it didn't even sound like something you would say to your equal business partner, IMO. It sounds like something one would say to an employee, but whatever, you are wanting it to be a date and when he doesn't specify.....then you push by asking him if it's some big date. Well his answer said volumes!
Magic, you really need to get some old fashion spunk and stop chasing after this jerk! All these "answers" he has given to you about a possible R are what men tell women when they have no intentions of committing to a long-term R. He is simply holding you at bay b/c he has to work with you. (And I'm sorry if that tears down what any of the long time posters have tried to do on this thread.) Life is just too short to mess around on a guy like this! I grantee you if just the right gal walks into his office one day.....he will forget any of these hangups he has about commitment.
Yes, you are valuable. But he doesn't see appreciate your worth. He may not want some other guy having you, but he doesn't want you badly enough. And that goes for any stage in life. If he wanted it bad enough....you wouldn't be having to drop hints, and re-clarify yourself, pressurize, and make excuses for him.
I know how frustrating it is to be with a man who won't communicate the way you can understand.....or maybe not say what you are hoping to hear. Really, I do. But why should he make any attempt to change his style, when he knows you won't be able to leave it be.....and will try to get him to say/do whatever it is you want. (Back to getting your way again.)
I agree with what Starsky said, and I agree with Gabby said (actually, I agree with all of them). I think it is a game of sorts (whether you recognize it or not) and you do have very selective hearing. It is so selective, that even when you type what he says you still don't get it. B/c you are so desperate to see and hear what you want/hope. You make excuses for him. Like, you know what he "really" feels & wants but he's just scared. Please! If he's scared of committing to you, Magic, then that should tell you how the past 20 yrs were for him. I'm sorry, b/c I know that has to hurt, and I know you try to make the past two decades sound great....and for you it was.
Whether he is in MLC, WAS, or both... and the more you continue to pressure him......(and oh Lord, do you ever)the farther away you push him.
I don't think you can do this while being his business partner b/c you can't seem to separate it from your personal relationship. That's why deciding about tonight is such a chore for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Starsky just reposted Sandi's response to you and here's what I pulled from that posting:
"You want to know what to do if he asks you out next week. Do what you want, as long as you think you can control your mouth. B/c your mouth is your biggest trouble. You don't know when to shut up and let it go. I'm surprised he hasn't told you to give it a rest!"
There's your answer...do what you want to do from Sandi Again, as I have pointed out several times, you have three choices, go w/your business partner, go solo or stay home and brood about it and analyze the conversations over and over again until you drive yourself nuts.
Bottom line...three choices and only you can decide which one to select. However, whatever decision you make, you need to let him know what you are going to do and not wait until the last freaking minute.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
1) he asked. I am greatful he still wants to hang out with me 2) he has asked at least 3 times now. The last one was a few minutes ago and he is assuming I am going 3) I would be only going to be with him. Is this a good reason? 4) 2 days ago I dropped the rope. I am supposed to be letting him "think" and giving him space to do so. 5) he is using this as a forum to be friendly. He wants us to be friends 6) I am twisting over an hour of mild entertainment 7) shouldn't I respect myself more than this crumb? 8) this has nothing to do with our business. It's free food at best
Starsky/job --I can go. I can keep my mouth shut. No problem. But why does most everyone lean towards me going? With the exception being sandi? I am surprised that starsky said go. If I bring duct tape. Is there a point/ lesson here?
Sandi-- oddly this is exactly the kind of first dates we had because going to am auction the first 20 times is new and exciting. He is not needing my assistance to go to this. Yes. I need to stop chasing this guy and thought I could do it starting a couple days ago, dropping the rope and not accepting this crumb today.
I am confused ... Can u tell ? The way I read
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I know, and I'm sorry. For some reason you have a hard time understanding my advice style and/or substance. I'm going to let Job lead the way again, MM, as I'm only gumming up the works here. I'll chime in from time to time if I have something of value to offer.
Well his answer said volumes!