Oops, just noticed that I cut my previous post in the beginning. No wonder I didn’t have any response. The start of the story was about our postal carrier woman, who went with H to the vacation home place to visit her GF a while ago. She ended up staying in our condo, because her GF had some complications. And I was not there at that time. She was working on another route and just recently returned to deliver mail to my area again.
I’ve been very busy with work and other stuff, so didn’t have time to post. I’ve been reading other threads though.
I didn’t hear from H after he left last week, until yesterday. He texted me asking to send the updated company file. Said “thanks” at the end. I replied 3 hours later and received a text back right away saying “Thanks” again. What’ up with H? He is so polite…
I’m going to the vacation home today. Probably will hear more stories about his going away party. Oh boy…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Please travel safely and try to enjoy your time at your vacation home.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’m back from the vacation place. Had some fun with my friends and other friends who were there. Met some new people. Went to the sea with the dog and enjoyed myself.
There were some hard moments too. When I arrived at the condo I noticed some decorative arrangements on the table, plates with wine glasses and folded napkins in them. I thought it was weird for H. Too feminine for his taste. I was never pushing these things on him, we always decorated in kind of a neutral way. So, I went to see my friends that night and when I was taking them back to their house I asked about this. They told me that one of H’s drunken buddies did some decorations in the condo. I was furious… I blew a gasket… I told my friends that I don’t appreciate it at all and that I’m going to tell this woman to not touch anything in my condo. My GF said that she knew that it would upset me. But her H was trying to reason with me, saying that the condo is H’s now, because he pays the mortgage. I said that as long as we are officially not D’d and I’m still on the mortgage, I consider that condo to be my property.
When I came back to the condo that night, I removed all the strange decoration and while I was at it, I also the pictures of H’s family that were above the fireplace. He can put them back when he comes back at the end of the year. Meantime, I want to enjoy the place without being distracted.
I think I’m just tired of rolling over and be nice to H. My friends brought up some thoughts about H again. My male friend said that he thinks that he’s been thinking about the fact that H has not filed for D yet and didn’t cut all the ties. He said that it would be natural thing to do if someone would not want to be M’d anymore and would not want to live with his W. My friend said that he thinks that H is afraid to cut all the ties, and that he is cake eating right now. It is like my friend read this site, LOL. My GF asked me how often I hear from H and she was surprised to find out that he gets in contact with me pretty regularly, usually having some legitimate excuses about business. They both said that all H wants to do is party and have fun. He is obsessed with water volleyball. He gets upset when the male friend cannot make it to the pubs with him often enough.
I don’t know where I’m with my feelings right now. I get angry, and then I get indifferent, then I start missing the “old” H, then I get angry again…
He sent me an e-mail on the same day when I left for vacation home, thanking me for the company file (something he didn’t do last year – thanking me) and asking me to give him the info about the joint credit card that we use for business. I guess he wants to do his own expenses now. The funny thing is that the guy who is “working on getting rid of the computer” wants the online account info, so he could get the statements and pay the bills. I just sent him the info. Less work for me…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
That would have irritated me too - the decoration in the condo. You're right - it's still yours too as long as your name is on the mortgage. Just let it roll off your back, not worth the wasted energy that you could be spending on you. Glad you had a good vacation!!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
Bright, I understand your anger about the redecorating, but you have to let it go. They don't think about how things look or how we will feel when this type of thing happens. I'm glad to see that you removed all of the items and felt a bit better after doing so.
You are beginning to tire of his nonsense. My question to you is this...what are you going to do to change the dynamics of your situation? Is it time to advise him to have his mail and other deliveries delivered elsewhere? Is it time to set him free to grow up. Is it time to stop being so readily available to do things for him?
He relies on and sees you as a mother figure, someone who will take care of his needs if he needs to call home. Bright, you are not his mother or his employee and it's time to change that perception. He's living his life the way he wants to and yet, you are attempting to live yours, but you can't get very far because he's posting about what he needs you to do all of the time from afar. Bright, I've walked this path w/you since you came to the forum, it's time to try something new. Why? Because he's going to continue doing what he's doing because his world is nice and comfortable and he doesn't have to worry...Bright is right where I left her. It's time to think about what Bright wants and needs and not worry so much about Mr Bright.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
JOB: "He relies on and sees you as a mother figure, someone who will take care of his needs if he needs to call home. Bright, you are not his mother or his employee and it's time to change that perception. He's living his life the way he wants to and yet, you are attempting to live yours, but you can't get very far because he's posting about what he needs you to do all of the time from afar. Bright, I've walked this path w/you since you came to the forum, it's time to try something new. Why? Because he's going to continue doing what he's doing because his world is nice and comfortable and he doesn't have to worry...Bright is right where I left her. It's time to think about what Bright wants and needs and not worry so much about Mr Bright."
JUST described me too. idk- i think same thing- then i think only thing i can do to shake it up is leave & walk out the door. it's not that i thnk about what he wants so much - as i don't know what the heck i want . i want it all to be gone and to feel happy. aside from that- i can't even think of what i'd DO TO MAKE A POINT.
problem is, IF I LEAVE - then i've got to pay my own way- find a job(of any sort- nevermind with okay pay) and i lose the "company" half the time, (which some nights seems better than none of the time". being all alone is okay sometimes- but it really $ucks alot of the time. just kind of sad-ish.
it doesn't seem so cut and clear to me what to do. you're rite tho- he's got the perfect life- why change it.????
but then, what about ole mwd saying we're supposed to just gal, act as if- just continue on, no matter what the heck he's doing and let him reel it on out??? til he is "done" being nuts?
i'm lost pretty much about what the heck we're "supposed" to be doing some days. i guess i'm not the only one out here "stuck".
so bright- what're you thinking of doing? okay by me if you're stuck also on that stinkin fence - lots of company up here.
i just can't get off the mark. i have no energy or ideas or guts yet...
Nero, thanks for stopping by. “i'm lost pretty much about what the heck we're "supposed" to be doing some days. i guess i'm not the only one out here "stuck". so bright- what're you thinking of doing? okay by me if you're stuck also on that stinkin fence - lots of company up here.”
You described me pretty well here. I do feel stuck most of the time. I am kind of on that fence too. I probably have it easier than you, because your H is still doing things for you and with you sometimes. Mine is not so much.
Job, are you saying that I need to completely stop doing ANYTHING for him? I just don’t understand where is that line of detachment and having the door open. He is actually gradually moving towards doing things on his own and not asking me for help. Today he texted me, because he was trying to log in into online credit card account and they asked for identification code that was sent to my e-mail. So, I gave him the code. I just checked the account and he changed the contact info, the mailing address to where he works now and e-mail address. I was furious. I’m still a secondary on this account and I want to use the miles that were accumulated when I was using it. I put a lot of miles on this account.
So, he is gradually removing me from his life, right? Surprisingly he didn’t change the login name and password. But it could be coming next. I just called the credit card company to make sure I am still on the account. His mail is actually going to different addresses. I only have some junk mail here, and I’m not sure about his Playboy, but I think he will redirect it too. Oh, and his bank statements. I am waiting to see what happens with those after he changed the credit card info.
His life is actually not that nice. He has no permanent address in the US. He doesn’t have much money and cannot travel like we used to. He wanted to go to Brazil this year for the World Cup. But he cannot afford it on his own now. So, to me it looks like even with these disadvantages he still thinks that ending our M was the best thing to do. And it hurts.
I don’t know what my action to shake it up would be. I guess I have only one option to file for D.
Job, you ask me what I think I need to do change the dynamic of my situation. You tell me that I need to let it go about the condo decorations, and then you tell me to advice him about changing where his mail goes. I am very confused. I don’t know where I need to be silent and where I need to set the boundaries. I thought that the condo redecoration would be a boundary. Am I really out of options here?
Do I need to ask him about the account changes or let it go?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Sometimes actions speak louder than words. You removed the items from your sight at the condo and it's best that you didn't speak to him when you were upset/angry. There will come a time when you can address the make over w/him, but be sure you are calm when you do so. I'm sure that there will come a time when you both will be discussing the condo in the very near future and that's when you can let him know that the decorations have been removed and how you felt about coming there and seeing them on display.
From what you posted, it sounds like he's starting to move things over into his name and separate things out. This is very normal for them to do at some point. I suspect that your h is a very slow moving MLCer because most of them do this reshuffling of accounts, mail, etc. very early on in their crisis.
Bright, I'm very sorry that he's not been one that has been up front w/you or given you any indication of what he wants, but it's evident that he's been very comfortable w/his life the way it has been. He relies on you to keep things going and keep him apprised of the business. He knows you are there when he needs you and that you'll do whatever you can to help him. I don't know what he's thinking, but maybe he realizes now that you've gotten a job, your life is going to be changing, i.e., work, new friends, possibly some new activities and maybe this is why he's starting to change accounts, etc. Maybe he wants to take on some of the "burden". But the only way that you will have any idea what's going on w/the accounts is to ask. After all they affect you as well, i.e., access, balances, etc. I see no harm in asking him about the changes.
Boundary setting is something only you can decide what will or will not be a boundary. You have to be comfortable w/the boundary and can't let it slide or he will not take it seriously. MLCers love to test boundaries. One of the boundaries that I had thought about a long time ago for you is when he was having packages sent to your place and then you had to either resend them or take them to a relative's home or to the condo. But, if he's starting to change his mail and everything else, then this is something that is now off the table.
Please don't be hard on yourself. You've been doing a great job working on you, finding a job and living your life, as well as dealing w/a spouse who is MIA. There is no right or wrong way when dealing w/a MLCer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for responding to me. I really appreciate your insight.
He already separated some things before, like he has his separate bank account, so he stopped using our joint account and now calls it “your” (mine) account. He also redirected his VA mail, I guess he figured it was not so appropriate for me to ship his Viagra from my house to wherever he is. This was kind of the boundary taking care of itself.
I have the same feeling that he probably realized that my new job is going to change how things are done. I don’t really have anything to do with our business right now. So, he figured that it would be too obvious cake easting to still have me do his credit card bills for him. I realized that the new address is not going to be permanent, since it is his work address, the company his works for. I’m curious what he will change it too at the end of the year.
I’m glad I didn’t’ act on my anger yesterday. The only thing that still bothers me is that he didn’t inform me of the changes and just did it quietly. Does he think that I’m not interested in this, or he just wanted to avoid a potential confrontation or a contact with me? I don’t know. But, guess what, I went to the account and added my e-mail address as a secondary. And he got an e-mail notification about this. So, following his way so to speak.
Yes, if it is MLC, he is very slow. It has been a pattern. He sits on his @ss and does nothing for a while, then he starts doing things, like separating accounts or picking up stuff from the house. Then he disappears again, and it all quiet for some time. Only to resume what it looks like to be moving on. Sometimes I think that it takes a long time for him to actually bring himself to do another step away from me. It like he is trying to avoid the situation, and if I don’t push, he will do nothing, until it becomes too uncomfortable or weird. Part of me wants to continue to be patient and let him make his decisions. After all he needs to be responsible for his decisions, and I don’t want to make it any easier for him. The other part of me just wants it to be over.
Thanks for having faith in me and saying that I’ve been doing good. Some days I just don’t feel like it. But I keep going. The new job definitely helps.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright - I think you have a very cautious MLCer here. And I also feel that you have to totally let him go. Your new job will take you forward and away from him too, I sense, which may not be a bad thing either!
Your situation will be very different in a couple of years time, I believe. You are doing well - all that you feel is reasonable, but the problem is he isn't reasonable, although MLCer follow their own weird logic. I believe that you may well be one of those who in the end wouldn't take him back gold plated. Of course I could be wrong. He is a very very foolish man.
