WAW...Again, Part II

[Ggrass]

I think that's so normal, I'm toying with why should I be wasting my life waiting for h to go on his happiness journey, if he's never going to look back.

Why should I be alone? Why should I care? Given some of what's happening, I might yet be the waw, I feel physically sick at any man even him. The stress is killing me.

As for db I keep chanting " do what works" and checking for sings if its working.

[SemperFi00]

stumps, great to keep posting here to work thru some of this stuff.

Great that you are staying focused on the 180s and GAL for life - not sure I have any great advice for the rest.

I can tell you that I find myself at times headed in that same direction - not sure I want to keep doing "this" and wondering if at some level I am becoming WAS. So you are not alone in that experience.

I find that revisiting my values and why I started standing in the first place is usually helpful at times like this. Doesn't mean that some of those things can't change or be updated, just find it helpful.......

You are doing great, it took me a lot longer to adopt DB'ing than it seems to have taken you.

Anyway, stay strong!!

[MrCAS]

So, does that voice in your head sound like the ex-girlfriend's?

[labug]

Being unsure about your values can lead to being tossed about on the waves like a boat without a captain.

I guess I've never really thought about about my values in terms of an answer to the question "What are they?".

And now that I do think about them, they almost seem trite... But, having given it some consideration, and acknowledging that I've often fallen short, if I had to give an answer the short list would be Honesty, Fidelity, Kindness, Respect, and Compassion... and not just toward others but toward myself as well. Honesty and Fidelity have never been too much of an issue, but I can't say I haven't struggled with the others at times.

We all fall short, the win is in acknowledging that, getting up and trying again with our value-system intact. Having values doesn't mean you have to be perfect but they do give you a direction when you're feeling gob-smacked.

Many people never think much about their values and do go through life with no direction, no north star. Or they ignore their values when it become inconvenient to live by them.

There's a great little book that I think puts this topic in an accessible perspective, The Four Agreements. You might like it.

Your values don't sound trite to me.

[labug]

Great question, CAS.

There has been a small, nagging part of me that I don't want to give in to that says "well if that's what's going on maybe we should just part ways now"

You're reading the future and that usually gets us in trouble. We don't want to feel the uncomfortable feelings so we make up a story that gives us a way out.

That's just what most of the LBSs do, isn't it? "I'm not feeling happy today and you're the reason, so I'm leaving."

Sometimes we just need to sit with the discomfort and figure out what it is we're really feeling. Fear maybe?

Your W may in fact leave in a few months. If you live with that end in your head, it will most likely happen.

[stumps]

So, does that voice in your head sound like the ex-girlfriend's?

I understand why you're asking but, in all honesty, no. That's not the issue here...at least not on any conscious level (as an aside, I haven't talked to ex-gf since that phone call I got from her).

It's not so much thinking like "I deserve/want ______ and if I can't get it from W I should get it from someone else." It seems more like...I think what I'm dealing with is the stress and anxiety caused by the dissonance of these two separate scenarios that I have going on the front burners...the seemingly almost complete normalcy of my and W's relationship on the one hand, while quietly/privately preparing for separation and divorce on the other.

Despite my best efforts, it's really messing with my mind sometimes and when it's at it's worst it makes me feel like looking for an escape route. And I think the escape route takes the form of "let's not make the patient suffer any longer, let's just end his life quickly."

I don't want to end this marriage. Not in my heart, not in my head. But good lord the insanity of this situation sometimes feels overwhelming no matter what I do to try to ameliorate it.

[stumps]

Sometimes we just need to sit with the discomfort and figure out what it is we're really feeling. Fear maybe?

I think fear is exactly what it is.

[stumps]

Oh, and it's funny, this is the third time the 4 Agreements have come up in the past couple of weeks. The second time was last week when my IC brought it up, and the first was a week or so prior when some random person posted a photo of an abbreviated version on Instagram.

I think that's a sign to go buy the d@mn book...

[labug]

let me correct something:

That's just what most of the LBSsWASs do, isn't it? "I'm not feeling happy today and you're the reason, so I'm leaving."

Makes much more sense.

[stumps]

That does make more sense

Oh, and today I bought The Four Agreements...